The Googly

Trueman's Ghost: gas leaks

Nah then!  Fred here, in from the ether to give my thoughts on what's going off out there in the cricket world of the living. It seems this week that there's been a bit of argy-bargy in some hotel with the players having to leave because of a gas leak.

This reminds of the time that I had one of my many run-ins with authority on a tour of Australia in the 1960s.  After the first test Jim Laker said he could smell something funny in his room, at which point the tour manager went bloody bananas and ordered everybody out the hotel fearing a gas leak of some kind, but when no gas leak could be found he automatically assumed that it was my pipe that had caused the smell!  I told him it can't have been as I didn't start smoking a pipe until 1974, but as usual they wouldn't have it off me and I was fined half my bloody tour fee and made to write 100 lines.  I later discovered that the smell was caused by Boycott's filthy clothes that were stinking because he didn't have his mother there to wash them for him.

I'll sithee! 

Trueman's Ghost: The World Cup

Nah then!  Frederick Sewards Trueman here, the finest fast bowler that no longer draws breath.  Next week sees the start of the World Cup in the West Indies and the young 'uns here at The Googly have brought me in from the ether to tell you what I make of all the teams in with a shout.

England: My own true love, they are however not very good and haven't been since Ray Illingworth was captain.  They've also lost that daft Steve Harmison because he's retired, at 29! But he wasn't any bloody good anyway, then again there have only been two proper bowlers in history, me and Ray Lindwall.

Australia:  Apparently they've got some bugger playing for them called Mr Cricket, in my day that would not have been allowed as it would be disrespectful to the game, Boycott once tried to call himself that, but I preferred Mr Tight-Arse.  Anyway, this lot are no good either, and that Glenn McGrath is not half the bowler my old mate Brian Statham was.

South Africa: While I'm on the the subject of Brian Statham, he was better than Allan Donald as well, I know he's retired, at a proper age mind you, but the point still stands.  I never played these that much in my day so I have no frame of reference to know that they are all rubbish but they probably are.

Pakistan: A cherub told me the other day that Shoaib Akhtar has been done for taking drugs.  There were no drugs in my day, just tobacco and alcohol - I took 307 test wickets without drugs whilst wearing a long sleeved shirt and fighting authority.  This lot are no good either.

India: Bishen Bedi could bowl, but not as well as me, even though I didn't bowl spinners my greatness spanned bowling styles.  Tendulkar is alright for a tubby lad as well, but generally they are no good.

New Zealand: Sir Richard Hadlee could bowl, Shane Bond can't.  Have there been any decent teams since I retired?  If there has then this isn't it.

Sri Lanka: This shower are no good.  I'm tired now, and the news is on.

I'll sithee!

Reader questions:

Dear Fred,
My wife and I are going through a terrible time at the minute, she wants a 32" telly and I want a 42" one.  I love her but don't know what to do, can you help? 

John Polyfilla, Wednesbury.

John, Relationships are hard. Not as hard as taking 307 test wickets at an average of 21 a piece though.  My first wife Enid was a model, a real corker.  Fred

Trueman's Ghost

Nah then!  Fred Trueman here, the finest fast bowler who no longer draws breath.  I've come from beyond the grave to give my views on what's going off out there in the cricketing world, answer your questions and let you know of the goings on here in the real Lord's ground.

Being in heaven is not so bad, although the other day I did have to have a word with God about his latest selections for the Angels XI. He'd decided to put in 3 harp players and not a single short guardian to prevent the sneaking of quick sins whilst the cherubs were in the ether.  He didn't bloody listen though and we took a right pasting off Vishnu's lot!  Alas, it seems my problems with the powers that be have followed me into th'afterlife.

I'll return next week for my World Cup preview of a Thursday, get your questions in the comments and I'll answer them in fine fashion!

I'll sithee.