The Googly

10 cricket rules we wish were real

1. No gum chewing on the field of play or in post match interviews.

2. All sledges must end with “no offence”. E.g. “You can’t bat for shit mate, no offence”

3. The word 'batsman' to be replaced with 'bastard' in commentary and on scoreboards etc. E.g. “Here’s Ian Bell, an undoubtedly talented bastard, but not a dominant enough bastard to occupy the crease in the way that the likes of Graham Thorpe did.”

4. Catches by the crowd will count, meaning players would have to be more accurate with their six-hitting by aiming for people who were asleep, old ladies, children under five or Alan Mullally.

5. Park rules apply when lesser nations such as Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and England play against the Aussies. I.e. a jumper placed halfway down the wicket so the crap players don’t have to run as far; if an Aussie hits the ball onto the roof, he’s out; each Aussie must retire at 50 runs; underarm bowling only; etc etc etc.

6. England batsmen apparently always look good in the nets, so runs scored there will count towards match totals if they get out for below 50. All unused nets runs can be carried over to the next Ashes

7. Test Captains can play a joker card at any time when their team is batting, meaning that they get Martin McCague bowling at them for five overs, both ends.

8. Any bowler that bowls more than five no-balls in an innings must spend the rest of that innings wearing a Dunce Hat, even when bowling.

9. A la dodgeball, any fielder hit with the ball on the volley who fails to catch it must leave the field. They may only return when another catch is taken.

10. The ball can only be returned to the wicketkeeper by placing it in his hand gently; anything else will be seen as an act of war and the match will be called off immediately while the heads of state meet to discuss it.

Ten things that might happen in 2008 (or not)

Here are my not altogether serious predictions for the coming year, have you got any?

1.  Malcolm Speed will call a press conference in which he will dissolve into tears as he tells us how truly sorry he is for everything.

2.  Freddie Flintoff will solve his ankle problems by using Oscar Pistorius style blades on his feet.  His 30-yard run up will take only two steps and the ball will come down at the batsman from about 15 feet up.

3.  Simon Jones will employ similar tactics with his knees by bowling in calipers.  He will still bowl less wides than Steve Harmison.

4.  Shane Warne will start up a mediation consultancy to heal every rift in international cricket with his zen-like calm and diplomacy.  The business will fail after its first assignment: Chappell vs Botham.

5.  Mahela Jayawardene will finally go the whole hog and spend the entire year not speaking.  He will still be a more effective communicator than Graham Gooch.

6.  Michael Vaughan will stop referring to himself in the third person, instead speaking exclusively through an interpreter via the medium of dance.

7.   England will not drop Ravi Bopara (please, please, please, please)

8.  The pink ball will be scrapped after a bizarre incident involving Geoffrey Boycott and a strawberry ice cream.

9.   Lancashire will be 50 points ahead going into the final week of the County Championship yet still contrive to somehow lose out on the prize.

10.  India will become the best test side in the world, finally.

10 reasons why Anil Kumble is the right man to captain India

Leg-spinner and borderline Goochalike Anil Kumble has been appointed as Test captain of India, here's why he's the man.

1.  He works harder than probably any other Indian player in the last decade

2.  He has played 118 tests and is genuinely liked by the whole squad

3.  His name in English is Air Rug.

4.  Despite his mellow disposition he is absolute nails.  As proved when he bandaged up a fractured jaw in Antigua in 2002 and not only played on, but bowled a cracking spell.   

5.  The unfettered joy displayed by both him and his team when scoring his maiden Test century at The Oval in August was one of the finest moments I have seen in cricket.

6.  For years he had a moustache, and all the most effective leaders had 'taches.  Eg, Zapata, Stalin, Allan Border.

7.  He wears glasses, proving beyond doubt that he is intelligent.

8.  He was born in Bangalore, which comes from the Hindi "benda kaal-ooru", or "town of boiled beans".  Which must count for something.

9.  He's retired from One-day cricket, so he's got loads of time to think about game-plans, strategies and numerous methods of telling Sree Santh to shut his mouth and calm down.

10. He has been dropped more times than Brian Close, yet still remains invaluable

Hallowe'en Top 10: Frightening cricketers

Grip your pillows tightly in clammy hands, go pale, inhale sharply and gasp in terror as you cast your eyes on 10 of the scariest men to play cricket.

1.  Merv Hughes
With a 'tache as ridiculous as his gut was large, Mervyn cut an imposing figure on the field.  Could stop a clock from 18 yards with one of his legendary stares.

2.  Sylvester Clarke
A Windies fast bowler at the time when they had greats of the game in their starting XI, Clarke did not play many tests (11). But he was fearsome man, as many who faced him in his Surrey pomp in the 80s will testify.  Bounced with more regularity than Zebedee on a trampoline, and with great nastiness.  Was not averse to lobbing the odd brick into the crowd either.

3.  Curtly Ambrose
Said little, but his stare combined with that terrifying run up put paid to most bats before he even release the ball at a frighteningly fast pace.  A batsman once asked him to remove his famous white wristbands, and nearly died as a result.

4.  Dennis Lillee
Looked like a pornstar, bowled like a cannon.  A pornstar cricket cannon.  Intimidated opponents, used metal bats and even had rows with his own captain on occasion.

5.  Gary Pratt
A short willowy man, so terrifying in the in-field that an Aussie captain was mesmerised by his cat-like moves.  And then had a massive strop about it.

6.  Martin McCague
Not so much scary in himself, but terrifying in what he represents: the willingness that England had for a time to select anyone Australian who fancied playing for them - no matter how obviously rubbish they were.  (see also: White, Craig)

7.  Roy Gilchrist
There are many words to describe West Indian Gilchrist, but "unhinged" is probably the most apt.  Gilchrist had a litany of on-field incidents: deliberately overstepping his mark and bowling beamers from 18 yards; knocking India's Kripal Singh's turban off with an overstepped bouncer; and uprooting a stump in a Lancashire League match to wallop an opponent with it being but a few.

8.  Sree Santh
Looks like a computer science student, but it's the geeky ones you have to watch sometimes.  Beamers, arguments, verbals - this fella does it all.  Even managed to get involved in a load of aggro when 12th man in the recent Australia series.

9.  Shahid Afridi
Boom!  Boom! Afridi can dismantle most teams with bat and ball.  But it's his manic smile and the fact that he is from the mountains that gets him on this list.  The cricket version of a Star Wars Tusken Raider

10.  Matthew Hayden
Dismantles attacks with his nuclear opening style. But the truly scary thing about Matt is that he could then show you how to do a canard pot au feu with green vegetables before drinking 12 beers and throwing his leg behind his head.

Cricket Top Ten: Scrapes with the law

Cricket is, by and large, a game of decent chaps who only occasionally fight, take drugs or murder people.  But let's have a look at the ones that have.  Have I missed any of your favourites?  Let us know in the comments.

1.  Leslie Hylton
Fast-bowler Les played six Tests for the West Indies in the 1930s, averaging a not unimpressive 26.12, before fading into first class obscurity.  He is, however, forever remembered for the nature of his death: hanged in 1955 for killing his wife, perhaps after she told him he should have tried bowling more off-cutters, but probably not.  He is the only Test player known to have been executed

2.  Roy Gilchrist
There are many words to describe West Indian Gilchrist, but "unhinged" is probably the most apt.  Gilchrist had a litany of on-field incidents: deliberately overstepping his mark and bowling beamers from 18 yards; knocking India's Kripal Singh's turban off with an overstepped bouncer; and uprooting a stump in a Lancashire League match to wallop an opponent with it being but a few.  But it was his off the field attack on his wife, branding her face with a hot iron in 1967, that sealed both his notoriety and a three-month sentence of probation

3. Navjot Singh Sidhu
Former Indian opener Sidhu had a booming post-playing career, incorporating politics in addition to plentiful TV and media work.  This all came to an abrupt end in 2006 when he was sentenced to three-years in chokey for the culpable homicide (manslaughter) of a 65-year-old man in 1988 over a parking space.   Nice.

4.  Geoffrey Boycott
Legend Boycott was arrested for attacking his then girlfriend in 1996 while in France, a claim he has denied to this day, even after two failed appeals in the French court.  Because of this he was ostracised by the mainstream media for a time, and only the diagnosis and subsequent survival of throat cancer being deemed enough to bring him back into the fold.

5.  Shivnarine Chanderpaul
What's the quiet man of Guyana doing on here I hear you ask?  Well, in 1998 he shot a policeman. Fair enough, he thought it was burglar and was subsequently let off, but he still shot a copper nonetheless.

6.  Peter Roebuck
Former bog-standard Somerset player and captain Roebuck made a few waves in his playing days, notably for not renewing the contracts of Sir Viv and Big Bird at Somerset in 1986 and hastening the exit of Ian Botham.  His greatest shame came in 2001 when he was found guilty of common assault after caning boys he was coaching in 1999; he received a suspended sentence.

7.  Runako Morton
Bit of a livewire is Runako, he is often seen chuntering away at slip or attempting (usually unsuccessfully) to carve the bowling all over the pitch.  Just be thankful that knives are not allowed in the field of play is all I can say.  The West Indian strokemaker was arrested in 2004 for stabbing his cousin in the chest during a family dispute and received a reprimand from the police.

8.  Liam Plunkett
Poor LIam will not be able to while away the time driving while his international career disappears. The Durham man is currently banned for 20 months after crashing his car pissed on the way home from a nightclub earlier this year.

9.  Ricky Ponting
Yes, even Ricky is on here.  Ponting was involved in a Sydney nightclub brawl in 1998 that landed him with an arrest and a A$5000 fine.

10.  Stephen Fleming, Matthew Hart, Dion Nash, Wasim Akram, Mushtaq Ahmed, Waqar Younis, Herschelle Gibbs, Andre Nel, Justin Kemp, Paul Adams, Roger Telemachus, Shane Warne, Maninder Singh, Ian Botham etc etc
All done for drugs of some form at one time or another.

10 reasons why Anil Kumble is the right man to captain India

Leg-spinner and borderline Goochalike Anil Kumble has been appointed as Test captain of India, here's why he's the man.

1.  He works harder than probably any other Indian player in the last decade

2.  He has played 118 tests and is genuinely liked by the whole squad

3.  His name in English is Air Rug.

4.  Despite his mellow disposition he is absolute nails.  As proved when he bandaged up a fractured jaw in Antigua in 2002 and not only played on, but bowled a cracking spell.   

5.  The unfettered joy displayed by both him and his team when scoring his maiden Test century at The Oval in August was one of the finest moments I have seen in cricket.

6.  For years he had a moustache, and all the most effective leaders had 'taches.  Eg, Zapata, Stalin, Allan Border.

7.  He wears glasses, proving beyond doubt that he is intelligent.

8.  He was born in Bangalore, which comes from the Hindi "benda kaal-ooru", or "town of boiled beans".  Which must count for something.

9.  He's retired from One-day cricket, so he's got loads of time to think about game-plans, strategies and numerous methods of telling Sree Santh to shut his mouth and calm down.

10. He has been dropped more times than Brian Close, yet still remains invaluable

Hallowe'en Top 10: Frightening cricketers

Grip your pillows tightly in clammy hands, go pale, inhale sharply and gasp in terror as you cast your eyes on 10 of the scariest men to play cricket.

1.  Merv Hughes
With a 'tache as ridiculous as his gut was large, Mervyn cut an imposing figure on the field.  Could stop a clock from 18 yards with one of his legendary stares.

2.  Sylvester Clarke
A Windies fast bowler at the time when they had greats of the game in their starting XI, Clarke did not play many tests (11). But he was fearsome man, as many who faced him in his Surrey pomp in the 80s will testify.  Bounced with more regularity than Zebedee on a trampoline, and with great nastiness.  Was not averse to lobbing the odd brick into the crowd either.

3.  Curtly Ambrose
Said little, but his stare combined with that terrifying run up put paid to most bats before he even release the ball at a frighteningly fast pace.  A batsman once asked him to remove his famous white wristbands, and nearly died as a result.

4.  Dennis Lillee
Looked like a pornstar, bowled like a cannon.  A pornstar cricket cannon.  Intimidated opponents, used metal bats and even had rows with his own captain on occasion.

5.  Gary Pratt
A short willowy man, so terrifying in the in-field that an Aussie captain was mesmerised by his cat-like moves.  And then had a massive strop about it.

6.  Martin McCague
Not so much scary in himself, but terrifying in what he represents: the willingness that England had for a time to select anyone Australian who fancied playing for them - no matter how obviously rubbish they were.  (see also: White, Craig)

7.  Roy Gilchrist
There are many words to describe West Indian Gilchrist, but "unhinged" is probably the most apt.  Gilchrist had a litany of on-field incidents: deliberately overstepping his mark and bowling beamers from 18 yards; knocking India's Kripal Singh's turban off with an overstepped bouncer; and uprooting a stump in a Lancashire League match to wallop an opponent with it being but a few.

8.  Sree Santh
Looks like a computer science student, but it's the geeky ones you have to watch sometimes.  Beamers, arguments, verbals - this fella does it all.  Even managed to get involved in a load of aggro when 12th man in the recent Australia series.

9.  Shahid Afridi
Boom!  Boom! Afridi can dismantle most teams with bat and ball.  But it's his manic smile and the fact that he is from the mountains that gets him on this list.  The cricket version of a Star Wars Tusken Raider

10.  Matthew Hayden
Dismantles attacks with his nuclear opening style. But the truly scary thing about Matt is that he could then show you how to do a canard pot au feu with green vegetables before drinking 12 beers and throwing his leg behind his head.

Cricket Top Ten: Scrapes with the law

Cricket is, by and large, a game of decent chaps who only occasionally fight, take drugs or murder people.  But let's have a look at the ones that have.  Have I missed any of your favourites?  Let us know in the comments.

1.  Leslie Hylton
Fast-bowler Les played six Tests for the West Indies in the 1930s, averaging a not unimpressive 26.12, before fading into first class obscurity.  He is, however, forever remembered for the nature of his death: hanged in 1955 for killing his wife, perhaps after she told him he should have tried bowling more off-cutters, but probably not.  He is the only Test player known to have been executed

2.  Roy Gilchrist
There are many words to describe West Indian Gilchrist, but "unhinged" is probably the most apt.  Gilchrist had a litany of on-field incidents: deliberately overstepping his mark and bowling beamers from 18 yards; knocking India's Kripal Singh's turban off with an overstepped bouncer; and uprooting a stump in a Lancashire League match to wallop an opponent with it being but a few.  But it was his off the field attack on his wife, branding her face with a hot iron in 1967, that sealed both his notoriety and a three-month sentence of probation

3. Navjot Singh Sidhu
Former Indian opener Sidhu had a booming post-playing career, incorporating politics in addition to plentiful TV and media work.  This all came to an abrupt end in 2006 when he was sentenced to three-years in chokey for the culpable homicide (manslaughter) of a 65-year-old man in 1988 over a parking space.   Nice.

4.  Geoffrey Boycott
Legend Boycott was arrested for attacking his then girlfriend in 1996 while in France, a claim he has denied to this day, even after two failed appeals in the French court.  Because of this he was ostracised by the mainstream media for a time, and only the diagnosis and subsequent survival of throat cancer being deemed enough to bring him back into the fold.

5.  Shivnarine Chanderpaul
What's the quiet man of Guyana doing on here I hear you ask?  Well, in 1998 he shot a policeman. Fair enough, he thought it was burglar and was subsequently let off, but he still shot a copper nonetheless.

6.  Peter Roebuck
Former bog-standard Somerset player and captain Roebuck made a few waves in his playing days, notably for not renewing the contracts of Sir Viv and Big Bird at Somerset in 1986 and hastening the exit of Ian Botham.  His greatest shame came in 2001 when he was found guilty of common assault after caning boys he was coaching in 1999; he received a suspended sentence.

7.  Runako Morton
Bit of a livewire is Runako, he is often seen chuntering away at slip or attempting (usually unsuccessfully) to carve the bowling all over the pitch.  Just be thankful that knives are not allowed in the field of play is all I can say.  The West Indian strokemaker was arrested in 2004 for stabbing his cousin in the chest during a family dispute and received a reprimand from the police.

8.  Liam Plunkett
Poor LIam will not be able to while away the time driving while his international career disappears. The Durham man is currently banned for 20 months after crashing his car pissed on the way home from a nightclub earlier this year.

9.  Ricky Ponting
Yes, even Ricky is on here.  Ponting was involved in a Sydney nightclub brawl in 1998 that landed him with an arrest and a A$5000 fine.

10.  Stephen Fleming, Matthew Hart, Dion Nash, Wasim Akram, Mushtaq Ahmed, Waqar Younis, Herschelle Gibbs, Andre Nel, Justin Kemp, Paul Adams, Roger Telemachus, Shane Warne, Maninder Singh, Ian Botham etc etc
All done for drugs of some form at one time or another.