The Googly

Sri Lanka take issue with Gilchrist innings

Following a complaint by the Sri Lankan cricket board, one of Mike Brearley's first jobs as MCC president in October may be, bizarrely, ruling whether squash balls are within the spirit of the game.  In an action that is not at all a case of sour grapes, the Sri Lankan secretary Kangadaran Mathivanan has lodged an objection with the ICC regarding Adam Gilchrist's squash ball in the glove, commenting that, "I am not trying to say it is illegal. All I am saying is that the game should be played in a better spirit."

Being English, I know all about excuses after the event - we've written the book on them over the years - but we usually just moan in the press and very rarely make them official.  I think this is in very bad taste by the Sri Lankans; Gilly's innings was one of the finest you will ever see, and I would suggest that they  let it rest as that and instead concentrate on why their bowlers could not slow him down.  One squash ball does not a great innings make. [image: Getty]

Cricket Snap of the Day

The crowd greeting Australia on their return from the Caribbean: proof positive that they are definitely not fed up with winning just yet. [image: Getty]

Ponting: McGrath finale "ruined"

Just when you thought there could no good news from the World Cup final for non-Australians, Ricky Ponting has gone and proved us wrong.  It turns out the shambles that engulfed the final overs of the contest meant that the ferret-faced captain could not bowl his retiring seamer in the last over as a fitting farewell. 

"I'd actually planned the bowling so that Glenn McGrath could bowl the last over of the match and his career, so I guess we were denied that opportunity as well," Ponting said on his return to Oz.  So, instead of watching McGrath bowl six balls with that smile on his face that we all grew to detest, we instead had a chance to nearly see some spinners bowling in the dark - which was much funnier I'm sure you agree.

Justin Langer - "Where have all Australia's critics gone?"

In his column for BBC Sport, Justin Langer has vented his spleen about the criticism the Aussie team faced after defeat in the CB and Chappell-Hadlee series', and is asking where the critics are now.  It's quite a long piece but can be summed up in text speak thus: "we won, all u hataz can x my ass, Buchanan 4evr!"

I don't live in Australia, so I did not see the kind of press they received there after the aforementioned drubbings.  But in the UK the thrust of most of the coverage was hope that those performances might mean we have a competitive World Cup, but that you can guarantee it was probably a blip.  That was certainly the Googly's view at the time.  So, one wonders whether Justin's rant says more about him and his own lack of perspective than that of the press. [image: Getty]

Duckworth and Lewis

Ever wondered about the secret life of Duckworth and Lewis (see right with their post-Ashes MBEs)? The Googly is indebted to Zephirine for her transcript of the boffins' breakfast the day after the twilight before and to MouthoftheMersey (whoever he is) for the video evidence. 

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: your team of the tournament

The votes are in and have been counted, it is now time to reveal the Team of the Tournament.  This has been voted for by you and only you, and yes all votes have been counted before you ask, there has been no Florida-style fixes in this fine democratic institution.

So here it is:

1. Matthew Hayden
2. Graeme Smith
3. Ricky Ponting
4. Scott Styris
5. Kevin Pietersen
6. Jacob Oram
7. Kumar Sangakkara
8. Shane Bond
9. Lasith Malinga
10. Glenn McGrath
11. Muttiah Muralitharan

Cricket Snap of the Day

Mahela Jayawardene looks rightly pissed off at the whole sorry situation in the Cricket World Cup final, while 3rd Umpire Billy "look at me" Bowden seemingly plays with his nipple. [photo: Getty Images]

Cricket World Cup: all's crap that ends crap

If ever a tournament deserved to end as this one did then it was the 2007 ICC World Cup.  I'm not talking about the winners, as Australia deserve every accolade that they receive following a masterful and brutal display of one day cricket.  And not just yesterday either, but for the entirety of this tournament. 

No, this tournament deserved to end with a couple of ICC officials bungling in a half-lit arena whilst the entire watching audience looked on in a mixture of confusion, outrage and misanthropy.  A more apt allegory for the whole sorry eight weeks you could not write if you tried.

At one point after the first rain break Mahela Jayawardena had to forget the small task of concentrating on his batting to ask the officials if there was any chance of being told what total his side was now chasing; he was met by befuddled looks for a little while and they a scoreboard showing a D/L par score of zero! Later on, after the Sri Lankans took the offer of the light, the umpires prevented Australia from celebrating, even though a blind man who knows nothing about cricket could see the game was over.

This final, crowning turd atop the shit-pile leaves a legacy for this tournament that ICC officials should, if they have any decency, resign over.  The de-brief presentation that will soon happen at their HQ in Dubai will no doubt be watched from behind their fingers, such is the crippling embarrassment of what they have presided over.  This is meant to be the pinnacle of the one-day game, yet it has grabbed about as much attention as a public reading John Major's memoirs by Al Gore.

Granted, some of it was not their fault, for example it was not the ICC's doing that there were so many one-sided matches; but most of it was.  Thank Christ it's over and we can now focus on some decent cricket in the summer, which for England means West Indies and India.

How to end a cricket match?

So how do you finish a cricket match? If all that mattered were the sorting out of winners and losers, that rarest of qualities "common sense" would prevail, but it's not just about winners and losers. Gambling organisations, entirely legally, offer markets on innings scores and margins of victory and such companies are very close to sporting bodies (as their sponsorship of events and clubs proves). Would the companies (or the gamblers) be pleased if the settling of the bet turned on an arbitrary decision to disregard the rules? I suspect not. Would such companies or gamblers sue in these circumstances? I suspect that they would.

He who pays the piper calls the tune. [The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup Final: Australia post pant-shitting total

Australia have given Sri Lanka plenty to be afraid of in this game after posting 281-4 in their 38 overs. They have also left us all petrified that this game is going to be the biggest non-event since Dollar reformed.

Adam Gilchrist (right: Getty) gave a masterclass, scoring a incredible 149 runs off 104 balls.  Given his recent poor form and the fact that this is a World Cup Final, it is probably in the running for the greatest one-day innings ever played.  It almost made the US$300 price for the final worth paying.  Almost.

Sri Lanka will take some succour from the fact that the pitch is a dream to bat on.  A lot depends on the 62 year-old Sanath Jayasuriya, as he is really the only bludgeon hitter in the line up.

ICC World Cup - Be careful what you wish for

What should the true fan of cricket hope for from today's World Cup Final? A magnificent match with a close finish crowning the careers of ODI Greats like Gilchrist, McGrath and Jayasuriya and heralding new ODI Greats like Malinga, Clarke and Dilshan? Or yet another misfiring, mismatch in keeping with so much or what has gone before?

I regret to say that I edge towards the latter - I simply could not bear for Malcolm Speed and his cronies to gain comfort from a spectacular climax. This World Cup deserves a dismal final. Cricket fans and players deserve a new ICC, a new approach to cricket's administration and a new World Cup in 2011.

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: The Final!

By contriving to have the two best teams in the final, somehow this bloated, poorly organised marathon of a tournament has managed to get something right; it is now up to the teams to ensure that the game matches the billing.  I'm pretty sure every non-Australian fan in the world will want a Sri Lanka win (as is the case for me) but more than that I simply want to see a proper, competitive, entertaining game. 

Australia obviously start as favourites, but the Lankans are a team with the tools to defeat them. They have the slinging, swinging Malinga; Murali's guile; Vaas' class; a batting line-up to compete with the best; and in Mahela Jayawardene, one of the form players of the tournament.  Australia meanwhile simply have some old blokes who just happen to be the best players in the world. 

Cricket World Cup - team of the tournament: choose your spinner

It's time for the final piece of the jigsaw in your team of the tournament: the spinner.  Yesterday, you chose Glenn McGrath, Shane Bond and Lasith Malinga as your seamers; and once today's vote is complete we can officially unveil your team. [image: Getty]

Cricket World Cup Final umpires named

The ICC have named Morgan Freeman Steve Bucknor and Aleem Dar as the umpires for the Final to be played tomorrow.  Rudi "New Glasses" Koertzen will be an off-field official, and will probably trip over the fence due to his uncanny ability to not spot definite contact with wood.

Bucknor will be standing in a record fifth successive final, while youngster Dar is in his first.  The fact that Australia have reached the final has ruled out the top rated umpire Simon Taufel, which is probably for the best given the shocker he had in the Sri Lanka vs New Zealand semi. [image: Getty]

Cricket World Cup - team of the tournament: choose your seamers

Discerning people that you are, you yesterday wisely chose Kumar Sangakkara as your wicketkeeper.

This means that your World Cup team currently looks like this:  Hayden, Smith, Ponting, Styris, Pietersen, Oram, Sangakkara.  They certainly bat right down to seven in this line-up.

Right, let's pick some seamers.  Click below to see the list and choose your  three favourites.   

Cricket Snap of the Day

Ricky Ponting is bowled by Andre Nel during Australia's cakewalk to victory vs South Africa.  Whilst the victory itself was nothing new, the sight of the Aussie captain being clean bowled has not been seen much in the Cricket World Cup. [lee calvert] [Photo: Getty Images]

Cricket World Cup - team of the tournament: choose your wicketkeeper

This great quest to pick the team of the tournament carries on.  Following your somewhat surprising selection of Jacob Oram yesterday as your top all-rounder, the time has come to choose your wicketkeeper.  Choose wisely now.. [Photo: Getty Images]

Cricket World Cup: Australia humiliate South Africa

The Googly has gained a copy of the South Africa game-plan for their thumping at the hands of Australia, and I think it explains quite a lot.

Semi vs Aus 25 April
Plan A: Win the Toss. Score more than 350. Get hayden out early. Get Ponting out early.  Pressure other bats.
If at any point this looks like not working, go to Plan B.

Plan B: Be totally and utterly shit

This really was an absolute sow of a game.  Once again everyone's hopes were raised of a close and inspiring match, and once again those hopes were smashed down early; like Graeme Smith's stumps.

After winning the toss, Smith opted to bat and South Africa very quickly foud themselves up to their necks in a pool of misery - also known as 27-5.  Herschelle Gibbs and Justin kemp did their best to glean some respectability but the innings ended on 149, and mind-screwingly rubbish total.

Such was their confidence, Australia came out looking like they were about to enter a running race against Les Dawson.  Their attitude was well founded, as they cruised to victory with such ease they could be mistaken for 11 Phil 'The Power' Taylors.

Sri Lanka now in the final, and whilst every non-Australian in the whole world will want a Sri Lankan victory, what everyone wants even more is a competitive match.  Is it really too much to ask? [lee calvert]

The Australian Juggernaut

Like Mark Gertler's terrifying representation of the headlong dash to destruction in World War I (see right) the Australian merry-go-round keeps turning ever faster with no opponent able to stop it before being cast off by the mad horses (for which read Tait, McGrath, Hayden, Ponting etc).

Contemplating this Australian team shares many characteristics with contemplating great art like Gertler's painting. You admire the skill, the discipline, the execution, the self-awareness, the sheer bloody other-worldliness of the talent before you.

But if I want to look at great art, I'll visit a gallery. Great competition is what I want from my sport, and Australia have had no competition in this World Cup - the sport is poor, even if we admire its leading team. [The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup, semi-final 2: South Africa win toss and bat

Graeme Smith has managed to achieve the first of my demands from earlier by winning the toss, and SA will bat on a hard, true, lots-of-runs wicket. 

Not wanting to overly pressure openers Graeme & AB, but the first 10 overs of this innings will probably decide this entire game.

South Africa Smith, de Villiers, Kallis, Gibbs, Prince, Kemp, Boucher, Pollock, Hall, Nel, Langeveldt.

Australia Gilchrist, Hayden, Ponting, Clarke, Symonds, Hussey, Watson, Hogg, Bracken, Tait, McGrath.

Cricket Snap of the Week

A fitting end?  Brian Lara trudges off after being idiotically run out in his last ever international innings by team-mate Marlon Samuels.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Cricket World Cup: a plea to South Africa

The second World Cup semi-final today at the Beausejour Stadium presents South africa with a chance to finally lay their demons to rest.  Following the outwardly inflicted 22 off 1 ball fiasco of 1992, and the very much inwardly inflicted run out fiasco of 1999, the Proteas have much to bury.

They are, however, the one team capable of beating Australia in this tournament when they are on their game; for the sole reason that they can score big when the mood is on them.

Australia have not been put under any kind of pressure in this tournament, and so being given the task of chasing a big score today may be their undoing.  I also fancy that their bowling has been flattered by weak opposition batting, rather than superlative performances by the bowlers themselves.  It will be interesting to see how the likes of Bracken react if they are being tonked all round St Lucia by Graeme Smith.

So, in short:
Win the Toss
Score shit-loads of runs (350+)
Get hayden out early
Get Ponting out early (you may have to run him out)

That should give you a fighting chance.  [lee calvert] (photo: Getty Images)

Cricket World Cup: Sri Lanka sweep Kiwis aside

Why oh why can't two teams turn up for big games in this tournament?  The only truly close games we have seen, and there haven't been many, are those that have nothing riding on them.  And so it was with this semi-final also, with New Zealand surrendering more meekly than the Meek family of Meekville, Illinois.

Cricket is a very simple game, your batters score runs and your bowlers & fielders try to stop the other team's batters doing the same.  Today, New Zealand could do neither of these things and it is notable that the Blackcaps have folded in every pressure game they have played. Shane Bond was woeful; the other bowlers mediocre at best; and the batting suffered an 'are you England in disguise' sickening collapse. 

Unfortunately for them, Sri Lanka proved to be extremely proficient at both, including a breathtakingly good 115 from captain Jayawardene and a stunning display from Lasith Malinga with the ball.

All in all this game probably sums up the whole tournament: plenty of potential but ultimately disappointing; like David Tennant as Doctor Who. [lee calvert] Images by Getty

Murali and the doosra

Murali (right, Getty Images) is a force for good in the game - he loves his cricket and communicates that love to all who watch him live or on television. As a Tamil, he is also an important symbol for that troubled, beautiful island.

No player in the history of the game has borne a more concerted whispering campaign than he, nobody has been more analysed, more discussed, more undermined. No bowler has taken more international wickets. He is a Great.

But his doosra, like everyone else's doosra, is thrown. [The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: it's all about to kick off at Sabina Park

The time has come. After what feels like about 2 and half years of this feeble tournament grinding our hopes and desires into the dirt, there is actually a proper cricket match happening.

Sri Lanka have won the toss and decided to bat.  Fleming remained impassive, but I'm sure he was thinking "You lucky bastards" on the inside as the pitch is a cracker.  Mind you, I've said that every game and then about 6 wickets have fallen in the first 12 overs; apart from when Australia are playing of course.

Sri Lanka: WU Tharanga, ST Jayasuriya, KC Sangakkara, DPMD Jayawardene, LPC Silva, TM Dilshan, RP Arnold, WPUJC Vaas, SL Malinga, M Muralitharan, CRD Fernando

Kiwis:  PG Fulton, SP Fleming, RL Taylor, SB Styris, CD McMillan, JDP Oram, BB McCullum, DL Vettori, JEC Franklin, SE Bond, JS Patel

Cricket World Cup - team of the tournament: choose your middle order

You have spoken, and decided that the opening bats for your team of the tournament will be Matthew Hayden and Graeme Smith. 

Now it's time to pick the middle order, please click below and choose three batters from the following selection; or if you feel I've left anyone out then add your own "other"

Cricket World Cup: England win in thriller

England ensured that Brian Lara's career finished with a defeat, gaining a one wicket win, secured by Stuart Broad with the penultimate ball of the run chase.  England may have been generally awful in this tourmanent, but with this and the Sri Lanka game they have been involved in the two most exciting games of the Super 8s.  Which is a bit like winning the Fair Play award in the the football world cup: nice, but pointless.

West Indies managed to reach 300 runs in their innings, leaving England with the kind of run chase that has caused them to implode of late.  Lara managed 18 runs in his last ever international innings, and looked in good touch before he was criminally and pointlessly run out by Marlon Samuels.  There's a pub quiz question in there for the future methinks.

In response England lost Strauss early, before Bopara (batting at 3) and Vaughan took the attack to the Windies.  Vaughan actually got some runs, a sparkling 79 off only 68 balls - but as Johnny Mathis once sang it was "too much, too little, too late".  Pietersen hit another century of supreme effortlessness before being clean bowled; Piggy Dalrymple once again proved about a useful as a pair of sunglasses on a chap with one ear; and it was left up to the Badger to try to steer us home. Which he almost managed with a fabulous 38 before he was completely fooled by a Bravo slower ball, soon followed by Plunkett.

The nerveless Stuart Broad, on his World Cup debut, then hit the winning runs to give England an utterly futile but neverless thrilling win.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: you choose the team of the tournament

Starting today we want you to choose your team of the tournament. 

First up, choose your opening bats.

Cricket World Cup: Australia splatter New Zealand

I grew very bored with writing about Australian victories earlier this week, so I'm giving you the abridged version of this one.

Australia bat first, score lots and lots of runs in a quite breathtakingly easy manner.  New Zealand bat like Ray Charles holding a herring.  Australia win by 215.

Australia now play South Africa in the semi-finals.  Australia have still not had anyone smash an imposing total against them yet, and if there is one team capable of doing that it's the Proteas.  But then again they are also capable of losing to Bangladesh, so perhaps not.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: West Indies win a game!

Bangladesh have followed Ireland's lead of saving their worst performance until the last game of the tournament, losing by 99 runs to the moderately impressive West Indies.

Batting first, the Windies survived some early jitters and wickets to reach a total of 230 with Ramnaresh Sarwan posting an impressive 91, no doubt inspired by the knowledge he will be the next captain.  Bangladesh offered about as much in return as a tramp in a not smelling like urine competition, bowled for paltry 131.  The talent is definitely there for the Tigers, and if their largely young side can learn some discipline, they could have the makings of a decent side in the future.

The future is far less certain for West Indies in the long term, but in the short term the team (and Lara's career) sign off against England on Saturday.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Ireland walloped by Sri Lanka

That it should come to this for Ireland is a real shame, they have shown in this World Cup what disciplined cricket can do for teams of lesser talent.  This is not meant to be patronising in any way, as it is a fact that they are of lesser talent, to which they would no doubt agree.

However, their talent is not so feeble as to justify their total of 77 all out in this game; they simply capitulated; to Farveez Maharoof mostly (10-3-25-4).  Just as England should never have been run through by the likes of Andrew Hall, no team should be run through by Maharoof.  Murali also picked up 4 wickets, as you would expect.

Sri Lanka won with ease, despite the early loss of Thuranga to the ever impressive Boyd Rankin -  watch out for him at Derbyshire this year, if they can get more consistency in his action this lad could be some bowler.  They finally cruised to 81-2 from 10 overs to wrap up victory. [lee calvert]

GOOGLY VOTE: Who will win the Cricket World Cup?

Now that the semi-final places are decided, it's time to put down your marker as to who will win this so far soporific tournament.  Surely it will get more exciting in the knock-out stages?

Cricket World Cup: England lose the game (and their dignity)

South Africa have hammered the final insulting nail into the coffin of England's World Cup, securing a 9 wicket win with contemptuous ease in 19 humiliating overs.  As I predicted, their binary pattern meant today was a good day.

England's total never looked enough, and their hideous innings managed to allow the workmanlike Andrew Hall to return full-pomp Curtly Ambrose like figures of 10-2-18-5.  It could maybe have been explained away by the pitch, but the Proteas clubbed that excuse into the stands with every boundary they hit off the English seam attack.  Graeme Smith was the star of the show all day, a brooding giant full of scorn, wound up by Kevin Pietersen and accusations of boozing; he made England pay in the field and then bludgeoned 89 runs of 58 balls.  South Africa now march deservedly on to the semis.

The phrase men against boys is overused, but it could not be more apt for today; this was a feeble, cowardly performance by England (Bopara & Strauss excepted) and the post-mortem will no doubt begin very quickly.  [lee calvert]

Eng vs SA - England's innings crumples like a cheap concertina

As Damien Rice said in his faux folk AOR dirge 'The Blower's Daughter', "And so it is, just like you said it would be, England's have ballsed up yet another innings" or something like that. 

Vaughan won the toss and decided to bat, which was about as good as it was to get for the hapless England who finished on 154 all out.  The opening pair went cheaply, then the golden goose Pietersen was skittled, leaving Strauss and Collingwood to fashion something like a partnership; albeit totally unconvincingly.

England then managed to lose 5 wickets for 10 runs in an astonishingly bad 5 over spell, leaving the innings in more ribbons than were used at the now foolish looking Ashes parade in 2005.  Ravi Bopara was the only batsman who looked remotely comfortable reaching 27 not out- this lad could be some find - and Panesar played stoically for his 2 off 27 balls, displaying a technique that some of the top order could do with studying.

In partial defence of the England travelling comic sideshow, South Africa did bowl very well, and there is a glimmer of hope in that the ball is seaming and swinging.  But England are now going to lose and going home from the Cricket World Cup, make no mistake.  I wonder how Vaughan's media bullshit will spin this one in the press conference? [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Eng vs Sa - time for the big one!

By "big one" I of course mean moderately interesting, unless of course you are English or South African.  But this really is probably the one real crunch game in the whole of the never-ending Super 8.

England cannot afford to lose.  However, if South Africa's binary pattern of performances are to continue they are due to play very well today, which usually means a forbidding total which renders their lack of a spinner academic.

England desperately need a good performance from Funboy 3 at the top of the order, as KP cannot take all the pressure. Also Flintoff is batting like he has his feet nailed to the ground and a drumstick in his hands.

Cricket World Cup: Aussies win, again

I am so bloody bored with the Aussies constantly winning at a canter, that instead of writing a report I am simply going to post the lyrics of "Here I Go Again" by the legendary Whitesnake.  Don't you think Nathan Bracken looks a lot like the one on the left?

I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
[lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: welcome to the league within the league

As predicted at the very start of this Ulysses-like quest to find four semi-finalists: Australia, New Zealand and Sri Lanka are through.  This leaves three teams scrapping for the final slot, my money was originally on West Indies, but that was before they decided to riddle their play with Raspberry Ripple type streaks of incompetence, and so I fear they are out of it.

This leaves the final slot to be given to either the frighteningly inconsistent South Africa, or the frighteningly mediocre England.  Therefore the match tomorrow between the sides is probably the first really meaningful encounter of this coma-inducing stage of the tournament, and I for one am praying to every god I believe in that it is entertaining match.

England simply have to win tomorrow, and if they win well then they will be level on points with SA, but with a better run rate, meaning they could then lose to the Windies and still go through. 

Can England do it?  Well, if SA bat to their potential then no, but if they bat like they did against Bangladesh, then yes.  Much will depend on getting Smith, Gibbs and de Villiers cheaply.  Also, one thing that England showed in the recent CB series is that they can win when it really matters.

Either way, four weeks of underwhelming cricket has led to this: the one match that matters. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Ireland win a game!

Bangladesh seem almost as inconsistent as South Africa, the difference being that Bangladesh have an excuse for it at their stage of international development, and Ireland beat them on one of their frequent bad days when the Tigers attitude appears baffling. 

Take nothing way from Ireland though as they have been fairly consistent in this tournament: their fielding and bowling has been up there with the best teams; their batting has not.  In this match, however, the batting finally showed up as they managed to get above 220 for the first time - finishing on 243-7.

Bangladesh then simply crumpled under the sheer professional application of basic cricket by the Irish;  they had no answer to the sharp, dynamic fielding and the consistent line offered by the bowling attack.  The Tigers started slowly and then lost wickets quickly.  They never recovered from being 48-3 and finally fell, all out for 169. 

Crfedit must be given to Trent Johnson, who has captained the Ireland team superbly in the Cricket World Cup.  This victory will no doubt mean that Ireland will be given full ODI status by the ICC, and I see many an embarrassing defeat for England in the future.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup - In praise of bits and pieces

Trent Johnston is cricket's version of Jack Charlton - a foreigner who has taken an Irish sporting team to unprecedented heights, through as full an understanding of the Irish culture as a man born on O'Connell Street who habitually carries a copy of Ulysses under one arm leaving the other free for the Guinness.

But he is also a fine example of the much-maligned figure, the Bits and Pieces Player (BPP).

The King of the BPPs for my generation was Jeremy Coney, now an er... distinctive broadcaster. He was almost a carbon-copy of Trent, bowling strictly medium pace, batting down the order, and captaining very shrewdly indeed - Trent even looks like JC! His Test record is almost perfect for the BPP: batting average 37; bowling average 35. Sitting next to JC alphabetically is another fine BPP from New Zealand, Bevan Congdon, who batted 32 and bowled 36.

Other countries have their own versions of BPPs. For Pakistan, Mudassar Nazar averaged 38 with both bat and ball, whilst India's Manoj Prabhakar turns in 33 with the bat and 37 with the ball. Even Australia have flirted with the BPP. After 53 Tests (the Manchester Test of 1993 - you know, Warne to Gatting), Steve Waugh averaged 37 with the bat and 45 with the ball - but he did improve!

All these players look like all-rounders, but they're not really, as neither of their skills is quite good enough to nail down a regular place - nevertheless, the top drawer BPP is a very useful member of any team. Duncan Fletcher likes them (he calls them multi-dimensional, but they're BPPs really). Ashley Giles has made the 50 Test club as an out an out BPP with figures of 21 with the bat and a shocking 40 with the ball. I reckon Ravi can beat that, don't you?

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: New Zealand in semis, South Africa in trouble

Sometime back in 2005, when the Super 8 stage began, nobody expected South Africa to struggle so much to be in the top four of the table.  The Kiwis have simply continued their strong form from the group stages, having only one poor performance against Sri Lanka - but most teams have come up short against that lot.

South Africa on the other hand seem to be playing cricket in some form of binary system, but instead of zeros and ones they are awful or good; New Zealand got them on an awful day.  Worryingly for England, who play them next, this means they will be good next game.

Put in to bat first, the Proteas reached a poor 193-7 with Gibbs top scoring on 60.  It was never going to be enough.  New Zealand saw this off comfortably to win by 2 wickets. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: batsmen should sledge too?

Watching McCullum shouting non-stop (in the style of all keepers these days) whilst Mark Boucher stood silently leaning on his bat, The Trumpet speculated on the nature of sledging. Were the roles reversed, so too would be the mouth open / mouth closed. Why is that so? The Trumpet is at a loss to explain.

The Trumpet waits with interest for the first batters to sledge the fielders. Whilst the bowler is dawdling back to his mark, or, better still, during an interminable captain / bowler conference, batters could banter. "C'mon mate, this fella's got to go for boundaries". "Let's drop it and run mate - these fools can't throw" etc etc.

KP and Nixon would do it well.  [The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: Australia beat Ireland

This turned out to be a joke-shop of a game in an increasingly joke-shop tournament. With Ireland being bowled out for a pitiful 91, it meant that Australia could send their entire team in batting wrong-handed and still win the game.

The Aussies did the next best thing and scrambled their order, sending in Mike Hussey to open, followed by Symonds before polishing the game off in 12 overs. They probably felt it was too cruel to unleash Matthew Hayden. Are you watching England? That's how you dismiss a poor total.

The Ireland innings could not be in more stark contrast it was so bad; indeed if it had had Kids TV style comedy noises as each wicket fell it would not have seemed out of place.  As great as it was they got here, is anyone apart from Ireland fans actually glad anymore?  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Sri Lanka end New Zealand unbeaten run

My tip for the tournament, New Zealand, have lost their unbeaten run against the first really decent team they have faced; unless I count England as a decent team, which of course I don't; losing by 6 wickets to Sri Lanka.

The  Kiwis won the toss, and that was about the only thing that went right all day, as other than Scott Styris once again getting a big score with his 111, this was a poor performance. 

In contrast, the Sri Lankans coped with the absence of Lasith Malinga fantastically, managing to reduce the Kiwis to a total of 219, with the old stager Vaas bowling wonderfully.  They then chased the total down with 29 balls to spare to seal a fairly convincing win. [lee calvert]

ICC Cricket World Cup and the Twenty20 World Cricket Championship

What better advert for September's inaugural Twenty20 World Championship could be devised than the balls-achingly dull New Zealand vs Sri Lanka snore-fest? Although yet another pudding of a pitch made it difficult for any players to shine, Styris, Jayasuriya and Sangakarra can take credit from their performances, but where was the spectacle, where was the edge of the seat suspense, where was the fun? And there's a lot more to come!

Too many 100 overs format ODIs are too dull. Twenty20 is the way forward, either in its current format, or as a full day's play with two Twenty20 innings per side. [The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: England's hard earned win

England's ODI team's problems are manifest - too slow at the top of the order, an all-rounder who is all bowler, Tresco and Jones frightening club cricketers instead of playing with the Big Boys - but it's time to praise them for developing a relatively rare talent in English cricket, indeed English sport.

Through the back-end of the interminable CB series in Australia and again yesterday vs Bangladesh, England found ways to win. Let's look at how they did it.

Winning the toss, Vaughan summed up the pitch correctly and (bravely) opted to field. The obligation was placed on the bowlers to get wickets and prey on the inexperience of the dashing Deshers. At 65-6, England's bowlers had done all Vaughan could have asked.

The Bangla Boys fought back (in these days of 8, sometimes 9, proper batsmen in ODI sides 65-6 isn't a decisive match position), but Monty chipped in with 3 wickets and England were looking at a very gettable target of 144 to win.

After losing an early wicket then losing out of form players for out of form scores (Vaughan 30, Strauss 23, Flintoff 23), England had to find a way to win. Colly and Nixon, men from the far North East and far Noth West of England respectively, places where for generations a living was wrenched from the earth, assessed their resources and must have thought about the three Number 11s to come. Colly's performance in grinding out the role of sheet anchor reminded this writer of Michael Bevan - Colly is not in his class, at least not yet, but the uncanny similarity in strike rates (Colly 74.15, Bevan 74.16) is not the only thing they have in common.

If anything, Nixon was more impressive - and wasn't it good to see him striding to the crease at 6 down and not Read or Jones? He played himself in, kept an eye on the overs, then started to improvise and knock the bowlers off their lines and lengths with that hideous backhanded sweep, and even had the good sense to belt an boundary to finish the match and give the crowd something to cheer about. His celebration was as unrestrained as you would expect, but showed that the match was a hard one against worthy opponents. Any mealy-mouthed whinging from journalists expecting England to smear the 144 runs needed in 20 overs says more about their jadedness and lack of respect for the Bangla Boys than it does about England's excellent win. 

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: do England deserve to progress?

On an incredibly balmy night here in Scotland, with the sea blue and flat and dolphins frolicking in the bay, I could almost be in Barbados for the England v Bangladesh match.

Except, I followed the first innings with gradually deepening despair whilst the fans at the Kensington Oval seemed to think that England were doing quite nicely. At one point, we had taken 6 wickets for only 66 or so runs, and it looked under control. Of course, that couldn’t continue, and 80 or so for the final 4 wickets meant that Bangladesh would have something to bowl at.

And they certainly had a good start. Bell gone for a duck. Strauss out for a pitiful 23, and in the 21st over, Vaughan made a hash of it and was caught off a mis-timed sweep. In the 23rd over, Pietersen was  equally inept and went for 10 – not at all what the doctor ordered. Yet again, it all came down to Collingwood – the totally undersung hero of the England side for many a month now.  But, knowing how precarious their position was, they seemed to forget about the run-rate, and allowed Bangladesh to pin them down to singles and twos in the middle overs, when they should have been aware of the mathematics, and put on a surge. Flintoff did manage a few boundaries, but it was stifled stuff. At one  point he had only 10 runs off 33 balls. With Collingwood on 12 off 34, this is not stuff to excite or suggest that England can do anything against South Africa. When Flintoff was bowled for 23, it just cemented my belief that England are holed beneath the water, and will not progress despite the win tonight. [mimitig]

Cricket World Cup: England stutter to victory over Bangladesh

Just when you think that the England submersible has hit the bottom of the Great Ineptness Ocean, they somehow manage to find another abyssal trench to fall into.  Today, that trench was Bangladesh, or more specifically the batting against Bangladesh.

England were set the mind-bogglingly easy total of 145 to win, yet somehow managed to labour towards their goal with such maladroit toil that you could be mistaken for thinking they were the British Leyland workforce in the 1970s.  It was so appalling that my brain cannot bring itself to transmit the details to my fingers as I type this; needless to say it was a foul tasting cocktail of stupid shots, lightning slow run rates, inability to read spin and questionable ability and attitude, leading to them crawling past the required total in the 44th over.  THE 44TH OVER!!

Australia would have finished this off in about 15 overs, yet we look like we are batting with a peg-leg bat. Have a look at the scorecard for the full horror. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: bat speeds and scoring runs

Bat speed is a constant subject of debate in baseball with stats available on screen the way we can see Shaun Tait's 90mph yorker. Input "bat speed" and "baseball" into Google and back come 139000 hits; do the same for "bat speed" and "cricket" and back come... 985 hits, suggesting that bat speed is 140 times less important in cricket than in baseball. Of course, it's not, and on these pudding pitches of the Caribbean, bat speed has never been more crucial in setting or chasing targets.

Now, sit back and think of England. Vaughan's extra cover drive is a thing of beauty, but so much more suited to the WACA or the Gabba than Antigua or Guyana. Vaughan's bat describes a beautiful arc, unblurred by excess speed, meaning that the pace must be on the ball as it rises from the pitch. Alas there's no pace to work with in this World Cup. Ian Bell is as light on his feet as anyone, but consistently reaches the pitch of the ball only to pat it to mid-off. Both, perhaps, are wary of being labelled with that most withering of insults to A Proper English Batsman - "Slogger".

Meanwhile the rest of the world are happy to see the bat swung like a Tiger Woods driver. I didn't particularly enjoy AB de Villiers 4 sixes in 5 balls vs the Windies, but that bat was quick and effective. More aesthetically pleasing is the crack of Jayasuriya's square cut, but it is also dependent on extreme bat speed.

Bat speed is necessary on these pitches, but it's very useful on any wicket - ask Adam Gilchrist or, closer to home, KP.

But here's what really drives me mad - bat speed can be coached! Look at some of those Google hits for baseball and there are coaching videos aplenty - for kids!. England took ten years to catch on to reverse swing and even then relied on a foreign coach to perfect it, then used it for England's greatest ever series. Will it take another ten years for England to catch up with the bat speed revolution?

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Cricket World Cup: West Indies are out

Oh the humanity!  Hosts West Indies have lost their fourth game on the trot in front of a soulless, three-quarters empty cricket ground; a more perfect metaphor for this World Cup you could not find.

The Proteas were not going to be made to look silly again and were back to their menacing best with the bat as they racked up an imposing 356 in their 50 overs; aided by some of the  most nonsensical tactics ever seen by Brian Lara.  AB de Villiers scored his maiden test centry despite suffering cramp, dehydration, and probably yellow fever in the Grenada heat.  Lara delayed the final powerplay until the 44th over, at which point Gibbs and Boucher gorged themselves with runs in the wide open boundary spaces.  Lara will no doubt awake at night in a cold sweat about this decision for many years to come.

West Indies were never going to catch that total as their batting has not been up to it, and their mental attitude has been even further behind.  They fell 67 runs short on 289 after a brave effort by the ever diligent Sarwan and impressive Powell.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, dressing room tapes: England, Easter Sunday evening

After an extraordinary series of events over the past few days when we have seen our moles and hobbits chased from the hotel by Duncan Fletcher and Michael Vaughan swearing that they'll "(expletive deleted) kill anyone who leaks", it is miraculous that yet again our heroes have found a way to infiltrate the England dressing-room and gain some insight into how the team is feeling.

With the threats hanging over us, we should take this opportunity to make it clear that none of our reports have been authorised in any way, and we are not in the pay of any press barons. I thank you. We just feel, as all England fans feel, that we are entitled to use whatever underhand means are at our disposal to bring you the information you need.

(much hissing and background noise - gradually the tape becomes clearer)

Michael Vaughan:  that was bad, boys, that was really bad. We're really up against it now, and if it weren't for that freak result with the Bangla boys yesterday, we'd be long gone. I don't know what to say.

Kevin: Hey, Mikey - don't get so down. I did bloody well. I got my ton (slight hissing, probably Flintoff) and f***'s sake, I caught a stonkingly great catch - bugger that it didn't count, but that was just the  umpires getting the rules wrong. You know I did good, and I know that too. I'm a bloody hero, and you can count on me. (Muffled comments only word discernible appears to be "figjam").

Paul C: and me too, I did my bit (except with the bat is heard muttered by more than a few of the lads), and bowled like a good'un. It's not my fault we lost.

Bell: and Mr Captain, Sir, you told me to get a good total, and I've done that. Please can I go back to my room now, I'm not a naughty boy this time.

MV: yeah OK, Ian and Kev, you can go. You've followed the plan, and there's nothing more I need to say to you. Colly - I need you to stay, you're my right-hand man and we've gotta try and do something before we're out, down, and totally gone.

Ravi - You did okay with the bat, but we need more from you for the team. Don't you bowl at all? If you could be a bit more like Colly, we'd have a player in you son.

Fred - The bowling I like, but what is it with those feet batting? Even when you move them, you put them in the wrong place. After all those tapes Duncan made us sit through, you still couldn't pick Hogg. I've seen the dismissal and even I was laughing. Those Press buddies of yours might not be so kind I tell you. (Muffled - gets a bit of heat off me though).

Straussy - I know you want to be like me and everything, but don't play exactly the same shot to exactly the same bowler unless I'm hitting it for four... (well I have hit fours before you know). Big chance Straussy - blew it.

Badger - Sit down. I've still got the headache now and hopefully so has Punter. Can't remember anything you did at all.

Jimmy - Just needed a bit of luck there.

Saj - I'll talk to you privately.... Where's Liam?

Monty - You look tired lad - too many nets maybe? Knowing Duncan, he'll tell you to take the season off. Joking Monty, joking... don't get upset.

God knows who made the rules up for this tournament, but my agent says we're still in it (so you can't book your flight home yet Jamie). We just need to beat... er... whoever we play in the next three games. Probably the Saffers, India and Scotland. Straussy - can you check please and find out where we're going too and for God's sake make sure the driver doesn't go to the old ground first, then insist we use the park and ride.

[The Tooting Trumpet & Mimitig]

Cricket World Cup: New Zealand roll on past Ireland

Ireland no doubt had a look at the Bangladesh result the other day and thought, "We'll have a bit of that".  Unfortunately for them, New Zealand were also watching and obviously thought, "We're not having any of that".  Ireland duly lost by 129 runs, chasing the Kiwi total of 263.

New Zealand played as well as they needed to, with Shane Bond once again very impressive (may I remind all readers that he was my tip for player of the tournament), supported by the ever dependable Daniel Vettori.    Ireland's batting was woeful, with the only pearls in the shit being the admirable O'Brien brothers.  The England selectors will be taking note as wicketkeeper Niall qualifies to play for the three lions in October. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: umpires let England down

After an absurd "not out" decision awarded in reply to Jimmy Anderson's appeal for a plumb straight first over delivery to Matthew Hayden, one rather felt that the umpires would give England nothing and nothing is what England got.

Perhaps the most galling incident happened just as Andrew Symonds launched the Australians' final assault. KP took a spectacular catch at deep mid-wicket, carried the ball for three or four paces, before throwing it away to avoid carrying it over the line. It was spectacular and deserved a reward, but look in the book and all you will see for that ball is, Symonds 2 runs.

Law 32 states

"3. A fair catch

A catch shall be considered to have been fairly made if

(a) throughout the act of making the catch

(i) any fielder in contact with the ball is within the field of play. See 4 below.

(ii) the ball is at no time in contact with any object grounded beyond the boundary.

The act of making the catch shall start from the time when a fielder first handles the ball and shall end when a fielder obtains complete control both over the ball and over his own movement."

I would argue that KP was in control of his movement and that's why he was able to throw the ball back into the playing area.

But there is an argument which says that KP could have carried the ball over the boundary jubilantly celebrating the catch. Ironically the man who enjoyed this interpretation looked on to events with interest as he may well have been next man in. For it was Brad Hodge playing for Leicestershire in the first edition of the Twenty20 Cup who performed that very celebration.

Here's what he said at the time. "I caught the ball yards inside the rope and I was simply showing the ball to the crowd in celebration. I had no idea of whether I stepped out of the arena because I wasn't watching where my feet were going at that stage, and that is what I told the umpire. But, in any event, the catch had been completed probably three or four seconds before and, as far as I am concerned, I could have done a handstand in the meantime." KP completed the catch and did not do a handstand, but chose to throw the ball back into play should any doubts arise.
[The Tooting Trumpet]

To read more, see http://content-www.cricinfo.com:80/wc2007/content/story/129984.html

Cricket World Cup: England lose again

Australia last night beat England by 7 wickets with 16 balls to spare to see themselves virtually through to the semi-finals.  Ponting's team talk obviously worked.  England now have to beat South Africa, Bangladesh and West Indies if they are to have any hope of getting through; and on this showing by the batsmen it is going to be a big ask.

The same problems that were all too present in the Sri Lanka game were here also, like an albatross around the neck of the England team: too many batsmen not getting enough runs.  England were at one point 161-2 and cruising for a total of 300, but then found themselves 247 all out after another collapse.  Flintoff failed miserably again; the recalled Strauss was woeful not just with the bat but in the field also; Vaughan's failures are now so regular that they are becoming tedious; and, worryingly, Collingwood appears to have lost form. 

A half century by any one of the failures would probably have won this game for England, but once again they managed to throw away a very promising position.  How very depressing.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Bangladesh tonk South Africa

If this game and the last game are anything to go by, then this World Cup may finally have come to life with tense match-ups and startling upsets.  However, England play the Aussies today so I doubt it.

Bangladesh finally put in a performance to cheer the soul of all cricket fans amid the mediocrity that has been offered up so far, and their fabulous young players offer a great deal of hope for the future of their team.  South Africa by contrast were a disgrace; fined for their lamentably slow over rate and clobbered by 67 runs, they got exactly what their arrogant and uninterested performance deserved.

Maybe, just maybe, we have something to look forward to in the remaining 27 weeks of this seemingly unending tournament. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: England vs Australia - Ponting’s Team Talk

With the ICC preoccupied with stopping five-year-olds bringing bottles of Kia-Ora into the grounds, and people watching cricket for free, it seems oblivious to the bugging of the captains’ meetings. In a new development, a tape of Ricky Ponting’s team briefing prior to the Aussies taking on England has been acquired by The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig and is transcribed below.

Ricky Ponting: Right fellas sit down. Aw look mate, put the bicep away Symo, we know you’re okay now, you don’t need to parade it, especially in the morning - and Haydos, you shouldn't be encouraging him.

Okay we're not in the semis yet and it's those Poms on Sunday, so if any of you bastards felt like coasting, just have a look at this slide on the powerpoint - (massed booing, swearing and the breaking of glass). That's right Sir Paul Collingwood MBE – or that’s what he thinks he should be after his performances in the CB series. But all that's in the past now (sotto voce "like Mr Cricket's 100 average") so it's Tough Shit Tough Guy from here.

Glenn, concentrate will you, not many more of these for you so stay with the programme.

Shane - how's the shoulder? Or is it the arm? Or leg? Whatever? Do you feel up to a two over spell, 'cos that's all I'm giving you anyway.

Brads - Which one of you two will get the nod? Well, I'm going with you Hodgey – er… hang on (sound of paper being unfolded). (Muffled - Jeez, why do they sit together?). Hoggy, Hoggy - it's you I'm going with against the Poms. We all know they can't play back of the hand stuff, even yours, and KP doesn’t even read Murali's doosra (quiet hissing) - everyone knows that's the one that starts behind his ear. Hodgey - stay loose for the dead rubbers to come.

Pup? Pup? - Where's Michael? Well come out from behind it then. Don't see why you need to bring a surfboard in here anyway. Any texts from Shane? I heard he's back with his wife...(Muffled - Okay, someone else's wife then). Symo, that's not funny - sort him out Haydos. Anyway, did Shane mention anything about that stuff he's promised me? No, not his Mother's pills - the er... hair stuff. Haydos - for Christ sake, take the tinny off him and get him to sit still.

Gilly – Can you stop looking at the phone for a moment? I know the kid’s just been born and all that, but you’ve got two others and any other bloke would give his right arm to be here instead of nappy-changing.

Right lads, for those of you playing golf or er… surfing, when England last lost, Buchanan has made up this video for us. Well don’t sigh. It’s all bullshit except this bit at the end. That’s Chavi Bopara (muffled – that’s right isn’t it?) and he played like one of us at the death vs the Lankans. Okay – he got a bit lucky, but he’s only 21 so I want you Haydos and you Symo to get in his earhole from the off - right. The rest of the Poms were rubbish, but you knew that anyway.

Bowling? Just the usual stuff will do for the Poms. Vaughan can’t bat, Bell can’t get it off the square, that Irish lad has hit the only hundred he’ll ever make, for KP bowl at the ego – can’t miss it – Flintoff’s forgotten how to bat and then it’s the tail. Just watch that Colly and the new lad.

Okay – that’s it. You can go now, except Michael. (Muffled – it’s that hair stuff. Well it worked for him and Gooch. Course I’ll pay. Just tell him to hurry up with it.)

Tape ends.
[The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig]

Cricket World Cup: Fernando's awesome dummy

Dilhara Fernando seems like a nice bloke, however inside the smiling countenance beats the heart of a cold-blooded viper, as proved by his spectacularly blatant piece of gamesmanship with the last ball of the Eng vs SL Super 8 match to Ravi Bopara. Check out these highlights of the last 30 balls for the full horror of it all.

ICC Cricket World Cup: England resort to sports psychology

Once more a tape has fallen into the hands of Mimitig and The Tooting Trumpet (see this blog for earlier breaches of team security). Experts have confirmed the identities of the voices on the transcript below.

 

Thursday April 5, Antigua

 

Michael Vaughan: Lads, lads. Let’s pick this thing up shall we? Okay you can put down your shiny new Wisdens - thanks Monty – and listen. Jamie - you can stop reading it to Liam now too.

 

It was always going to be a tough game against the Lankans – they may only be a small island off a much larger land mass, but we all know that they are good (especially you eh Straussy after the 5-0 last Summer). It’s only a few days since that fine win over (muffled - who was it Straussy?) Ireland. Come Sunday, we’ll see if I can continue my resurrection of English cricket won’t we?

Bit of a change of tack now (that's what you should have done it that pedalo Fred), because I'm handing over to one of Duncan's mates, Jeremy Snape (yes, get the Professor Snape gags over now please) who some of you may know from County Cricket (that’s you Jamie). He played some ODIs when the likes of Matthew Fleming and Mark Ealham were getting a game, but he's a Sports Psychiatrist these days

(muffled - well that's what I said...) Sorry, he's a Sports Psychologist these days and Duncan wants us to listen (muffled - Duncan wants his head testing).

 

Professor Jeremy Snape: Thanks Michael. I've prepared a powerpoint (Straussy - would you be so kind - thanks) and I've some handy cards with slogans on them for you to take away. (Muffled Flintoff - Didn't we do all this with Bumble and his Churchill stuff?)

 

Goal setting - Who can tell me what their personal goal is for the next six months? Okay Liam, I'd want to be back driving too, but I'm looking for something related to cricket. Straussy - Good, good. Back making runs for England. Ed – don’t look so glum – let’s keep the glass half full shall we? (Not you Fred).

 

Improving self-confidence - Look how confident Fred, Straussy, Michael and Colly sound here after winning the Ashes all that time ago. Well, even if it is the beer talking, it's still confidence isn't it?

 

Concentration and focus - Just have a look at Fred's focus here. Okay, it's his interview after his booze cruise, but you have to admit, that's impressive.

 

Relaxation techniques – Calm, quiet breathing is essential here. Can you hear me Paul? Do you have to wear that gum shield? Relaxing will get you into “The Zone”.

 

Mental toughness – The Aussies show this facet of the game so well. Straussy just tap “Australian Captain’s Press conference” into youtube and let’s see how they project that toughness… (muffled – not Kim Hughes… isn’t there anything of Ponting?)

 

Visualisation – Prior to executing a skill, it’s crucial to visualise the whole process from start to finish if you are to perform it to your potential. In your mind’s eye, you should see off stump cartwheeling out of the ground – not you Ed, I know that’s what happened against the Irish, but you’re a batter. As he was running in, don’t you think Fernando visualised Ravi’s stumps shattered by that last ball? I know I did.

 

Communication – All of you should aim to communicate like the best talker on the field. Okay, not like him – maybe the second best talker. Oh for heaven’s sake, surely you can hear somebody on the field other than Nixon?

 

Leadership skills – How important is leadership to the side? Well, don’t jut sit there looking at Fred, let’s hear some answers. Paul showed excellent leadership skills throughout that partnership with Ravi, until he blew it at the end.

 

Team dynamics – Everyone must know their role and their colleagues’ roles. Turn to the person next to you and tell them what your role is. (Muffled – Okay Liam, I don’t know either, but let’s try and stay positive eh?)

 

Any questions?

 

Yes Jamie - I have got a degree in this. Is it relevant which team I’m supporting in the Boat Race on Saturday? Oh, I see. Well, yes, the degree is from a proper university.

 

"The Zone" Ravi? I was talking about getting into "The Zone". It means the mental space in which a player is completely relaxed and at ease with their game. No, I didn’t mean that nightclub in Ilford.

 

Well it’s a nice enough beach I suppose when you’re in Sydney. Sorry, thought you said Bondi. Bonding is key yes, but it needn’t involve alcohol even for men. Yes, even Englishmen.

 

Okay, well think about what I’ve said tonight and read your cards. I’ll be in touch with you for one-to-one sessions over the next week. No – No – Of course I don’t do horoscopes.

 

Tape ends. [The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Sri Lanka beat England in thrilling match

My prediction about this match was right, but I did not expect it to be so close.  My first thoughts off the back of the game were that it was a good performance to reduce the fine Sri Lankan team to 235 (after being 160-2 at one point), and we were unlucky not to win.  But then my hubris died down.

Here is a bald fact: England made only 233 in their 50 overs, and it is simply not good enough.  It is pointless for the apologists to say "but Sri Lanka only got 235"; Sri Lanka had an off day, their batsmen have proven in this tournament that they can make big scores, England's have not.  All it would have taken to win this match was just one of our top order to deliver to their potential: Vaughan and Bell were unlucky; but Joyce, Pietersen, Collingwood and Flintoff were all out either timidly or stupidly.

Pietersen is the worst culprit, he is currently ranked No. 1 in the world as an ODI batsmen, that he should hole out when fully set on 58 is a disgrace.  Still, it will keep his average healthy eh?

Bopara and Nixon (I'm forever sorry Paul) were the true heart and soul of this innings, and for that to be the case is a damning indictment of the England top order who time and again are failing to give any platform of runs and confidence.

We now roll on to Sunday, where we will have our arses handed to us by the Aussies, and then we can think about returning home with a mixture of disappointment, disgust and misanthropy.
[lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: England win toss and will field

Michael Vaughan has called correctly and England will have a bowl. 

On TMS, Angus Fraser is suggesting that last night England were all set to bat if they won the toss, but all reports I have heard suggest that this pitch is, as Tony Greig would say, "hord and forst". Therefore this may be the correct decision. 

Not that it will make any difference to the crushingly inevitable result.. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: England in for a Sri Lankan thrashing

Sri Lanka are a strong team with dangerous batsmen and cunning skilful bowlers.  England are not very good at all; with KP, Colly, Freddie (with the ball) and Panesar the few notable exceptions.  England will lose today, and this will hopefully be another nail in the coffin lid of the Fletcher era.  Thanks for the Ashes Dunc, but your pig-headed intransigence is getting very tiresome; nearly as tiresome as every one-day game England play at present.

England's game plan is simply not working, yet Fletcher is unwilling to change his innings formula of: building block openers, KP, Colly, Freddie, mediocre bits & pieces all rounder, tail-end.  This tactic has failed again and again and again, yet Fletcher plods on like a monkey constantly grabbing an electric fence in spite of the pain and humiliation.

A change is needed now:  Joyce should be dropped and either Flintoff or KP pushed up to open, or even Bopara as a gamble. England are simply not scoring quickly enough at the beginning, and the opening bats are out so early, due to their staggering lack of form, that KP is in after about 6 overs anyway.

The bowling needs a rethink as well.  England's best two bowlers are Flintoff and Panesar and they should open the bowling; Panesar is good enough to bowl with the new ball and Freddie is Freddie - rock solid dependable.

Of course, England could shock the world and win today and I will be happy to look stupid in those circumstances.  But I think my dunce's hat will still be safely on the shelf this evening.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: South Africa complete routine victory

The endlessly dull merry-go-round that the Super 8 has become continued on its uninspiring journey to a predictable semi-final line up as South Africa beat Ireland, as predicted, by 7 wickets (D/L) in a rain affected 35 over match.

Ireland made a half-decent fist of an innings to reach 152-8 from their 35 overs, but were simply not good enough against a class team coming into form .  Ireland and their fans may not like it being said, but the fact is that they have already won their World Cup in getting this far, and they should be beaten convincingly by the top teams.  England made hard work of it, but they are not a top team are they?

South Africa then reached their total with eye-wateringly boring ease.  Tune in tomorrow to see England also lose convincingly to a top team.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8 preview: South Africa vs Ireland

Ireland frightened the life out of the Proteas in their warm-up game by getting perilously close to winning before an all-consuming batting collapse put paid to the Irish dreams.  Can there be a repeat today, or could Ireland go one better?  The answer is no.

Ireland will bowl as well as they have done all tournament, and no doubt reduce South Africa to a reasonable total of somewhere around 250-300.  With the bat it is a different story.  Ireland's top score in the World Cup is 221, in the epic tied game with Zimbabwe, and in all of their matches have averaged an innings total of 189. 

The figures speak for themselves, and only an unexpected batting collapse by SA will give Ireland a chance, and given the way Smith and Kallis are batting that chance is currently running off round the corner.  [lee calvert]   

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: New Zealand clobber Bangladesh

As lovely as it was to see Bangladesh beat India and get through to the Super 8 stage, it means that there a lot of games like this to sit through for us neutrals; and as an England fan I sit through enough embolism inducing mediocrity watching my own team thankyou very much.

This game actually looked like it had a chance of being marginally interesting when the Bangladesh openers, having been put in to bat, reached 55 without loss - albeit slowly.  Following the loss of the impressive 17-year-old Tamim Iqbal the inning slowly came apart to reach 122-4, and finally disintegrated faster than a bomb test van that was only meant to have its bloody doors blown off to finish on 174 all out.

New Zealand took only 29 overs and the loss of one wicket to reach 178 and a 9 wicket win, with captain Stephen Fleming accelerating to a marvellous total of 102.  Fleming is a perfect example of what Michael Vaughan is doing wrong, in that he seems to actually use his eyes to see the ball and his hands and bat to hit the ball.  Simple really.

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: West Indies lose again

For the first time since the opening match of the tournament a large crowd packed in to a ground to see their home side hopefully pick up a win against the recently defeated Sri Lankans.  It was not to be, as West Indies were blunt with the ball, slow and feeble with the bat, and lost by a shocking 113 runs.

Having been put in to bat, Sri Lanka made hard work of the first overs and found themselves on 35-2 having lost Thuranga and Sangakkara cheaply.  But the Windies did not remove Sanath Jayasuriya, 56, who went on to club a glorious 115 off 101 balls in a innings brimming with class and quality.  Partnered by his captain Jayawardene, the pair carried Sri Lanka from 35-2 to 218-3, and some lusty hitting down the order allowed them to finish on 303-5.

West Indies need a bright start to be in with a chance chasing this total.  What they got was an abysmal start, ending up 42-3 inside 11 overs with the loss of Gayle, Lara and Bravo.  It seems Chris Gayle has given up attempting to score runs and is instead trying to win a prize for hitting the ball highest in the air as he was once again was caught off a rank skied shot.

Chanderpaul (76) and Sarwan (44) did their best to rally, but they were doomed. The Sri Lankan attack was simply to good and the Windies hitting to poor to make any real in-roads on the total.  Their all out total of 190 was as depressing as it was inevitable.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Australia humiliate yet another team

This rain-delayed 22 over match allowed Australia to dish out a good hiding in half the usual time, which was probably better for Bangladesh than spending all day watching their dignity being slowly pulled apart.

Bangladesh managed to use their batting time to allow Glenn McGrath to break another record, as with his three victims he became the highest wicket-taker in World Cup history.  They ultimately reached 104-6 in their allotted overs.

In response Gilchrist and Hayden came out for the Aussies and treated the bowling like Bruce Lee's feet treated Han's face at the end of Enter The Dragon, clobbering 106 runs in only 83 balls.  Their average strike rate of 127 served as an object lesson to the England joke shop of how to open the batting. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Shoddy England beat Ireland

England grabbed the expected win in their first Super 8 match but were about as convincing as Clive Lloyd in a Peter Such look-a-like competition.

Having won the toss, Michael Vaughan opted to bat and Ed Joyce fell very early to a Boyd Rankin ball he decided to leave that then jagged back and removed his off-bail; so not only is Joyce unable to hit the ball very hard or with any conviction, he has now forgotten where his stumps are.  Vaughan then spent a little while probing at a few more balls like a teenage boy at a girl's buttons before he weakly fended a ball to the wicketkeeper, which at least put himself and everyone out of their misery.  Special mention though goes to "Lightning" Ian Bell whose 31 runs from an anus-clenchingly boring 74 balls ploughed as yet uncharted depths of tedium.  The average strike rate of the opening 3 bats was a feeble 35, which against a team of Ireland's calibre is frankly a disgrace.

England then fell back on the old reliables of Pietersen (48) and Collingwood (90), two players who actually look they know how to play one-day cricket, with some able assistance from the pedalo-maithering Flintoff (43).  They finished on a woeful 266-7, a score that was as mediocre as their performance deserved.   Credit to Ireland as their bowling was disciplined, but it was no better than what the England would face week in week out in county cricket and be expected to deal with appropriately.

The total may have been disappointing, but it was still going to be too high for Ireland as their 218 all out demonstrated.  England however still toiled, and just as the batting was propped up by the class of KP and Colly, the bowling was notable for the performances of England's two class bowlers: Flintoff and Panesar.  Panesar was particularly special, with figures of 10-1-31-2.

A disappointing performance by England in a match that was harder on the eye than Beth Ditto.  Neither of these teams will go through, and no-one will care.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Malinga's four ball wonder spell

Lasith Malinga made history with these four wickets in the the recent Super 8 match, unfortunately he could not prevent Sri Lanka losing the game.  Have a look at his first ball to Pollock, it's an absolute cracker. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Ireland vs England preview

England today face an Ireland side that they should beat with greater ease than a pissed bloke can fall off a pedalo.  But we've heard that before about England teams in every sport ever playes and it is not always the case, and the enormous spanner in the works here is that England must win to realistically have a chance of reaching the semis.  England don't do pressure very well, as Adelaide 2006 proved, and I fear the worst.

Ireland, as a counterpoint, have absolutely nothing to lose.  They can simply revel in all the patronising overtures about "pluckyness" and "fighting spirit" etc etc before setting out to throuroughly enjoy the game and the event.

Having said all that I think England will win, but only after resticting Ireland to a modest total and then creaking past it like a rusty pram, 8 wickets down.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: New Zealand humble West Indies

New Zealand remain on course as my tournament favourites after this almighty mauling of West Indies.

The Kiwis won the toss and entered the field with the knowledge that the Windies batting line up currently has two modes: shit and mediocre.  And so it proved.  Chanderpaul once again went cheaply, Sarwan and Gayle both got starts but then fell, and Marlon Samuels once again hit one lusty boundary before edging behind off the lightning slow medium pace of Jacob Oram.  West Indies were by this point on 81-4, and the writing was on the wall; and it said "You Are Going To Lose".

Lara once more offered come classy resistance, but the Islanders' runs were throttled by the accuracy of the Kiwi attack, before being robbed of wickets by the pace of Shane Bond and the guile of Daniel Vettori to finish on 177 all out.

The Kiwi innings was a cakewalk, although they will have some worries that the injury replacements Fulton and Marshall did not show up well; it hardly mattered.  Stephen Fleming got them underway with a classy 45 before being stupidly run out, but that man Scott Styris did the damage once again with his 80 (a third half century of the tournament), as the Blackcaps sauntered to 179-3 and a seven wicket victory.

West Indies need to find some form with the bat sharpish, whilst New Zealand simply need to carry on like this to make at least one of my predictions come true.  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup Kitwatch: Ireland

Ireland take on England tomorrow in the opening Super 8 match for both teams. 

England are odds-on to win the game, but it would appear they have already lost the kit battle as this Kukri-designed Ireland effort spanks the pants off the Admiral England disaster.

Kukri rarely venture into high level sport, but I find they often make very good Rugby shirts for second tier teams also.  [lee calvert]

Lasith Malinga: hair apparent

There has been a steady and regretful decline in the number of players with very big hair in recent years.  So it is refreshing to see current hero Lasith Malinga carrying the baton that Bob Willis dropped and sporting the kind of barnet that could unbalance a tortoise. 

Only one other Cricket World Cup player may qualify in the big hair stakes, namely Andrew "Predator" Symonds, however his hair is in dreadlocks which are a different follicular matter entirely.

Let us know your favourite giant-haired players. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: West Indies vs New Zealand preview

The West Indies players, fresh from a night of weeping quietly in their beds after the spectacular humbling they took off Australia, must today put all that aside and saddle up to face New Zealand.  Hopefully Lara will move himself up to number four in the order to give themselves a chance.

New Zealand have lost Lou Vincent to injury, just after his century in the last match meant he was finding some form and they will also miss his incredible fielding in the circle.  However, Shane Bond, who injured Vincent in the nets, is back in the side and I have him to be the player of the tournament come the close. 

West Indies could go one of two ways here, either their confidence is completely shot and they lose or New Zealand will find themselves on the end of an almighty backlash from the Aussie defeat.  I predict the former, but what the hell do I know?

West Indies (probable): Chris Gayle, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Ramnaresh Sarwan, Marlon Samuels, Brian Lara (capt), Dwayne Bravo, Dwayne Smith, Dinesh Ramdin (wk), Daren Powell, Corey Collymore, Jerome Taylor.

New Zealand (probable): Peter Fulton, Stephen Fleming (capt), Hamish Marshall, Scott Styris, Craig McMillan, Jacob Oram, Brendon McCullum (wk), Daniel Vettori, James Franklin, Michael Mason, Shane Bond.

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: South Africa defy Malinga heroics to win

This game is memorable for two things: it made my predictions look stupid, and an extraordinary feat of bowling from Lasith Malinga, taking four wickets in four balls.

Sri Lanka, much to my surprise, won the toss and decided to bat.  How Jayawardene must wish he read this blog.  The Sri Lankans had one of those funny innings were no-one looked to be struggling particularly and yet no-one managed to get hold of it either; evidenced by the fact that six of their top seven bats managed to reach double figures without kicking on.  Jonty Rhodes will no doubt have been at home admiring Herschelle Gibbs' spectacular run out of Silva as a carbon copy of his in 1992.  Sri Lanka eventually reached the largely inadequate total of 209 all out.

South Africa had a slightly shaky start, losing AB de Villiers for an easter egg in Vaas' very impressive opening spell.  But any hope was extinguished by a steady 94 run partnership between Kallis and Smith, only for it to be reignited by Malinga the Slinger at the death. 

Malinga had a very poor opening spell, going for nearly 9 runs per over as he struggled for accuracy.  However, as is the nature with bowlers of his type, in his second spell he accounted for Kallis, Pollock, Hall and Ntini in consecutive balls to give Sri Lanka a glimmer of hope.  A glimmer is all that it proved to be, as Peterson and Langeveldt hacked enough runs to see SA home on 212-9.
[lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Australia tonk West Indies

The Australian total was always going to be tough, but surely not as tough as West Indies made it look.  The Australian team, however, were incredible from the outset with tight bowling and a intensity in the field that crackled in the morning dew and West Indies simply had no answer to the onslaught.  They couldn't get runs, Chanderpaul crawled  to 5 before being trapped lbw by the rapid Shaun Tait, closely followed by a monumentally stupid skied shots from Chris Gayle and Marlon Samuels. 

Sarwan and the old master Lara did their best to dig in, but ultimately the innings was doomed.  In fact it was doomed from the minute they were 20-3 very early on and eventually reached 219 all out in 45 overs.

The Aussies march on and their bowling, the one thing that may have been a slight weakness, seems to have sorted itself out to say the least.  Having said that, the Windies looked nervous and indecisive as soon as they lost Chanderpaul.  Please let this tournament not be yet another Australian parade to victory, as the last two were. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Sri Lanka vs South Africa preview

It's been hammering it down with rain in Guyana for the last three days, hopefully it will stop in time for this potential cracker to get underway.   The toss will be a very good one to win here as both sides will want to field first with the dampness on the pitch and moisture in the air following the downpour.

Sri Lanka are the form team here after beating India at the weekend, while the Proteus, in the only match in which they have faced top opposition so far, were mauled by the Aussies.

Sri Lanka to win, as their slow bowling options with Murali and Jayasuriya will keep the SA total relatively modest.  [lee calvert]

South Africa (probable) Graeme Smith, AB de Villiers, Jacques Kallis, Herschelle Gibbs, Ashley Prince, Mark Boucher, Justin Kemp, Shaun Pollock, Andrew Hall, Charles Langeveldt, Makhaya Ntini

Sri Lanka (probable)Upul Tharanga, Sanath Jayasuriya, Mahela Jayawardene, Kumar Sangakkara, Chamara Silva, Russel Arnold, Tillakaratne Dilshan, Chaminda Vaas, Farveez Maharoof, Muttiah Muralitharan, Lasith Malinga

Cricket World Cup, Super 8: Australia post impressive total before rain

The first Super 8 match has been truncated after the first innings due to heavy rain in Antigua with Australia about to start the defence of their daunting 322-6.  The game will conclude on the reserve day tomorrow (27th March).

West Indies must have fancied themselves when they got shot of Gilchrist, edging behind for 7, and Ponting relatively cheaply.  Luckily for the Windies Ponting was run out, as they looked about as likely to bowl him as the ICC are to make a remotely sensible decision.  However, they did not account for the reborn Matthew Hayden who went on to clobber a morale-sapping 158, featuring a particularly brutal onslaught at the end  with his last 50 runs coming in only 27 balls.  He was ably assisted by Clarke (41) and late in the innings Shane Watson (33).

West Indies now go to bed knowing that they need to hit at least 6.44 runs per over to win this match, a mighty ask given that the Aussies will be bowling at them in the morning damp rather than the dry afternoon as would have been the case today. [lee calvert]

Super 8: West Indies vs Australia preview

Australia are favourites for this game after their clinical demolition of South Africa at the weekend.  Since the opening day victory over Pakistan, West Indies have been solid without being overly convincing.

Hayden and Gilchrist are striking the ball very sweetly for Australia, and if you manage to dislodge those two you have the small matter of Messrs Ponting, Clarke, Hussey and Symonds to deal with.  If the Aussies have a slight weakness it is on the  bowling front, as Smith and de Villiers showed in the last match, but frankly with their batting I think it hardly matters.

West Indies have the potential to cause the Aus batting line-up more problems than SA did: they have a young, nippy seam attack and Chris Gayle's priceless off-spin to call on, as well as a top order that have all been in the runs in the group stage.  They will need to push on today.

Brian Lara scored both his record test high scores here in Antigua, and the Windies completed their record run-chase against the Aussies here in 1993.  Lara will hope that his and the team's happy history in Antigua will continue into the present in today's match.

The curtain raiser for the Super  8 stage promises to be an intriguing match. [lee calvert]

West Indies (probable): Chris Gayle, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Brian Lara (capt), Ramnaresh Sarwan, Marlon Samuels, Dwayne Bravo, Dwayne Smith, Denesh Ramdin, Ian Bradshaw, Daren Powell, Jerome Taylor.

Australia (probable): Adam Gilchrist, Matthew Hayden, Ricky Ponting (capt), Michael Clarke, Andrew Symonds, Michael Hussey, Shane Watson, Brad Hogg, Nathan Bracken, Glenn McGrath, Shaun Tait.

Super 8: Current status

The Super 8 starts tomorrow, and seeing as nothing is ever as simple as it seems there is already a league table, due to results from the group stage being carried over.  This means that Sri Lanka, Australia, West Indies and New Zealand already have two points as they beat their group runners-up last week.

Each team will now play six matches each in a round robin format, with no team playing the side they have already faced, e.g. England will not play New Zealand again as they were in the same group (thank Christ!).

With me so far?  No?  Mever mind, click below to see the current state of the Super 8 table and it will all become clear.

		P	W	L	T	N/R	R/R	Pts
1	Sri Lanka	1	1	0	0	0	4.3	2.0
2	Australia	1	1	0	0	0	1.66	2.0
3	West Indies	1	1	0	0	0	1.04	2.0
4	New Zealand	1	1	0	0	0	0.94	2.0
5	England	1	0	1	0	0	-0.94	0.0
6	Ireland	1	0	1	0	0	-1.04	0.0
7	South Africa	1	0	1	0	0	-1.66	0.0
8	Bangladesh	1	0	1	0	0	-4.3	0.0

Looking at the above, I think it is fairly certain that Australia, Sri Lanka and New Zealand have enough to go through as they can all afford to lose a game, and they have been the best teams so far by a country mile.  So it is is basically perm one from five of the remaining teams as to who will have the other semi-final spot.  My money is on West Indies.
[lee calvert]

Super 8: Fixtures

With relative formalities of the group stage out of the way, the competition proper begins tomorrow with the start of the Super 8.  There are some very exciting fixtures in there, and some not so exciting (England vs Bangladesh anyone?), and I can't help feeling that the competition will be poorer without the homeward bound sub-continent superpowers. 

As an England fan I'm not sure how to feel about the opener against Ireland on Friday; one view to take is that it is probably the easiest match to ease yourself in with, but it could also be a banana skin so huge the like of which has not been witnessed since King Kong's lunchbox was opened.

Follow the link below for full fixtures.  [lee calvert]

March, Tue 27      West Indies v Australia, Antigua
March, Wed 28     South Africa v Sri Lanka, Guyana
March, Thu 29     West Indies v New Zealand, Antigua
March, Fri 30     Ireland v England, Guyana
March, Sat 31     Australia v Bangladesh, Antigua
April, Sun 1     West Indies v Sri Lanka, Guyana
April, Mon 2     Bangladesh v New Zealand, Antigua
April, Tue 3     Ireland v South Africa, Guyana
April, Wed 4     England v Sri Lanka, Antigua
April, Sat 7     Bangladesh v South Africa, Guyana
April, Sun 8     Australia v England, Antigua
April, Mon 9     Ireland v New Zealand, Guyana
April, Tue 10     West Indies v South Africa, Grenada
April, Wed 11     England v Bangladesh, Barbados
April, Thu 12     Sri Lanka v New Zealand, Grenada
April, Fri 13     Australia v Ireland, Barbados
April, Sat 14     South Africa v New Zealand, Grenada
April, Sun 15     Bangladesh v Ireland, Barbados
April, Mon 16     Australia v Sri Lanka, Grenada
April, Tue 17     South Africa v England, Barbados
April, Wed 18     Ireland v Sri Lanka, Grenada
April, Thu 19     West Indies v Bangladesh, Barbados
April, Fri 20     Australia v New Zealand, Grenada
April, Sat 21     West Indies v England, Barbados