The Googly

Lasith Malinga's increasingly silly hair

Lasith Malinga is an exceptional talent with exceptionally silly hair.  Let's take a look.

1.  The Hugh Grant.  Early in his careers this one, and the the young pace ace is trying to affect the foppish look that served to make the English actor a millionaire simply by being able to appear wet and insipid.

2. The Cleopatra Jones. Pam Grier with pace

3. The Anton Ferdinand.  Only with talent, and without the lazy brother and his awful prank-based TV show

4. The Home Cut. Obviously done by his mum with garden shears

5.  The Funky Mick Hucknall.  Without the overwhelming desire to punch him, naturally

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 12: Brandon Flowers

Your Goochalikes keep coming in, and thanks once again this week to Richard O'Hagan for suggesting the lead singer of The Killers and all-round good mormon boy Brandon Flowers.

Despite being a cheery Mr Brightside on TMS since he retired, during his playing days I would often will Gooch to Smile Like You Mean It, also Somebody Told Me that he often felt a loss in his Bones. 

(Can you see what I did there?)

The Cricket Show: has Darren lost his dazzle?

Last night's Cricket Show had none of its usual sparkle, and it wasn't until half-way through that I realised why. The list of guests was as extensive as always - starting with Paul Nixon (pictured right), and one might have expected with the Badger up first that a rip-roaring fun night was on the cards. However, despite the opening topic being that of "jelly-beangate" - which you would have thought would have provoked some laughs, it was all very low-key.

Then I clicked: Goughie didn't have a co-host to bounce off. No Tuffers and no Corkie made for very few laughs. I'm sure R5Live presenter Vassos Alexander was doing his best, but sadly he brought no fizz to the party - perhaps he'd been briefed to keep a grip on potential anarchy.

Still, Nixon was good value and it was good to hear him enjoying his captaincy at Leicestersire and having a good time in his benefit year. The sweetie issue was, obviously, raised, but neither Nixon or Gough wanted to spend much time on it. Dazz revealed that he "can't get his breath around it" which was a suitably sweet thing to say, and a lot of sense was talked about the difference between jokey banter at the crease and real abuse. Sree Santh came in for a few harsh words - mainly about the beamer. In 20 years Gough reckons he's never bowled one and that a cricketer shouldn't be playing at the highest level if he can't control the ball.

Geraint Jones joined them and agreed that it had all been blown out of proportion. He reckoned Chris Tremlett and Sidebottom had done really well but that India had just controlled the ball better (apart from Sree Santh, obviously!) and won because they were the better side on the day. It was all rather flat.

Talk moved on to Twenty20 Finals day - Alex Gidman spoke for Gloucestershire and Mal Loye for Lancashire. Unsurprisingly all were really looking forward to the occasion and all reckoned they were in with a chance of the win. Perhaps it was asking too much for any revelations - after all, no-one was going to say that their team was useless with no chance of doing anything and the whole day was going to be a fiasco! One of the few things I learned was that Kent have signed Lasith Malinga and they reckon he'll be playing tomorrow.

This was about as good as it got - when the last minutes of the show were taken up with discussing the Twenty20 team mascots, I felt that there was a bit of barrel-scraping going on. So that was pretty much it in a week that cricket overall has failed to deliver much excitement. I'm hoping that The Cat will be back next week and zany humour and hysterical laughter will set the airwaves humming again.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 11: Pringles bloke

Many thanks to Googly fan and member of our wonderful Facebook group Richard O'Hagan for sending us this cracker for this week's Goochalike.

"Once you pop, you can't stop" they say about Pringles, and Goochie was much like that: playing on and on and on before finally retiring at the age of 78 to send us all to sleep on TMS.

Once again this blog is first with the cricket reportage that really matters!

Shit Cricket Lookalikes - Chris Tremlett/Green Goblin

Many thanks to Googly fan Paul Tovey for sending this one to us.  Tremlett's superhuman performance in the first Indian innings suggests that perhaps he has taken the Norman Osborne route of swigging some serum to boost his powers. All we be reveled if Chris starts cackling maniacally in the field on the fifth day and/or flying about on a hoverboard and/or turning green.

The Cricket Lexicon

Returning, like doubts over Colly's place in the England team, is the book you need to guide you through all those websites of the week. Yes, it's the Cricket Lexicon, with five new entries listed below.

Ganguly (n) - A thing that shows great initial promise, but descends into a long, slow decline. Usage - "I liked Chamber of Secrets and Goblet of Fire, but since Order of the Pheonix it's clearly turned into a ganguly." 

Bell (v) - To maintain oneself in a game, but no more. Usage - "When holding middle pair on the flop, a good Texas Hold'em player doesn't raise or fold, but just bells until the turn card is revealed.

Tremlett (v.i) - To display unconvincing aggression. Usage - "Bonfire of the Vanities was a good book, but the film was ruined by Tom Hanks' tremletting as Sherman McCoy".

Sidebottom (v) - To fail at something, disappear, then return doing exactly the same thing again but succeeding. Usage - "I guess I was a bit surprised to see Take That sidebottoming".

Jaffer (n) - To be obviously not as good as an inexplicably rejected alternative. Usage - "Des Lynam's at a bit of a loose end these days. Did you see Lineker doing the Open Golf last week? What a jaffer!"

Dhoni (n) - A hairstyle that garners more publicity than the talent deserves. Usage - "In the early days of MTV, there were dhonis everywhere: A Flock of Seagulls, Phil Oakey, Pete Burns".

[The Tooting Trumpet]

It's that time of the week - Goughie's Cricket Show

Since I last surfed the airwaves chasing the Darren Gough mega-ride, things have been more than a bit grim. In sport Le Tour has been plunged into an awfulness that knocks the Festina affair and Operacion Puerto into a cocked hat: Vinokourov, Moreni and Rasmussen have been sent home in disgrace. Bradley Wiggins has been sent home because his team abandonned. Denny Menchov has given up. I am distraught about my cycling. Formula One has been on trial for spying charges levelled against the ultra-honourable Ron Dennis's team McLaren by Italians Ferrari. Apparently no charges are proven and no sanctions issued by the FIA today, but McLaren race on under a cloud. In life, floods devastate the  Midlands and South-west - Gloucestershire and Worcestershire are in dire straits. In Oxfordshire - I saw it - fields are under water, the Thames has burst its banks and I flew away from all this to return to the North and safety.

So with all the chaos ruling, what an escapist joy to find the Dazzler on the little radio again tonight. Though not all far removed. Floods still played a part - New Road under water, again and what a lot of controversy being generated. Rob Key feels bitter about it, but as he says " there we go Goughie". It's a hard call for County grounds, and everyone just wants the most cricket. Big chats about our Googly pick Joe Denly - 114 before another Googly hopeful Rashid bowled him. Gough admitted that he hadn't taken a bead on Joe before this, but now he's a marked young man.

Bit of a discussion about KP - Kevin is Kevin was about the most insightful comment. This was where I got tired, so very tired. It's hard sometimes to keep the spirit going. Chris Adams  (pictured) was called upon to talk about the problems at New Road - replaying matches is a really dodgy issue. The ECB has tried to help, but as Chris says - don't set precedents.

Jeremy Snape was called upon to join the discussion, but couldn't offer many insights. Talk of Trescothick was interesting, but no-one wanted to say anything revealing. Snape obviously found it hard to talk of England picks and their hardships while being in his role at Leicestershire. Jon Lewis joined the crew to talk about Gloucestershire - tales to tell about floods rather than cricket. A few words about the new boys in the England team - nothing revealing, but nice to hear Jon not bittter, just keen on his county. There was a lovely moment when a listener phoned in and asked Gough who his favourite cricketer was, and very nice words about Shane Warne "a diamond geezer" - I think this is true in County cricks - friends who take their children to the Rose Bowl have nothing but good words to say about Warne.

The last guest on was Mark Butcher - a great servant of England and County cricket. Surrey is reaping rewards this year in County Cricket for nurturing young talent, and good to hear Mark and Dazz joshing a bit. Honesty about Dhoni - that was good and what we tune into this show for.

It wasn't the joyful show that I had hoped for, but that's probably because there's little joy to be taken from any sport right now.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Mediawatch with Bell, Prior and Strauss

It's been a while since I trawled the pages - print and websites - for the presence of our good old England cricketers and their columns but with some time on my hands today, and in possession of a cutting passed to me from a Sunday newspaper, I settled in for the dubious delights of reading what the lads are saying. First up for scrutiny, Andrew Strauss (pictured right with Matt Prior) on Sunday - the Telegraph is not a paper happily received in this house, so it was the first time I'd read Mr Strauss's Test Match Diary and to be honest, I didn't find it overly illuminating. Yes, Andrew told us that he was "unbelievably excited" to be back in the side, that he missed being part of the One-day team but that the break was probably needed. All very much toeing the party-line, or "on-message" as they say these days. That he'd spent time with coach Andy Flower is only to have been expected after a run of such poor form and to learn that "Planning is always essential" before the first Test against India was not an insight I needed to be told. I'd be worried if the team weren't planning! His diary ended after the first three days of the match, and I don't think I'll be rushing to read more from Mr Strauss.

Over at the BBC, St Paul of Collingwood has given way to Matt Prior as the "Cricketer in the media", but sadly nothing much has changed. Prior is as predictable as Colly was - frustrated not to win the Test with only one wicket left to take, thrilled about the new-boy bowling attack, Monty is fab, Vaughany (sic) is fab, KP is fab, the mood in the camp ("the environment in the team") is fab. Everything is just gorgeous - except of course they didn't win. Bit of a bummer that! Just when I thought it was going to get interesting:

"There has also been a bit of talk about the on-field goings-on between the sides of the last Test..."

Mr Prior tailed off and told us it was "just a bit of fun". Damn, would have liked to know the details. So two rather dull incursions into the media and it was left to my own little Belly-Boy to uphold the honour of cricketers with his Guardian column. Sadly, I didn't think it was quite up to his previous high standards, but at least he started from the heart being deeply disappointed at the result against India. Perhaps the downbeat tone of the piece simply reflects how Ian feels and in contrast to the other two articles, there is definitely a feeling that Ian's column is not entirely ghosted. It has engendered an interesting debate on the GU Blog, and personally I'd much rather read a B++ piece from Bell than bother with most of the other guff.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Simon Jones: Welsh god, England cricketer

It doesn't happen very often, but every now and then a sportsman trancends the back pages of the newspapers and finds himself in a very different place. Simon Jones is one such. He played a vital part in the Ashes winning England side in 2005 before the cruel mischance of injury saw him in an oxygen tank desperately trying to get fit for the final match, and of course, we have not seen him in the whites since then. However we have seen him in Cosmopolitan. Hum, nearly naked, and delightfully delectable, but did this help his rehabilitation into international cricket. I don't know, but as he is making his way, slowly, back to First-class cricket, it seems to be a good time to assess his career thus far.

In 2002 he was carried off the Gabba in agony having ruptured the anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee - an injury which not only sounds career threatening, but also sounds like something that would happen in a Harry Potter book - "The cruciatus curse" - cast on the threatening wonder fast-bowler by perhaps an Oz Wizard. In 2005 I bet those Aussies wished they'd had the magic, because Mr Jones (Simon that is) crucified them on the pitch and he ripped through them at Old Trafford. Looking at his figures now, it's scary - 6 for 53 in the First innings - it laid the foundations for the weather affected draw that culminated in the Trent Bridge win and ultimately regaining the Ashes at the Oval.

So what of Simon since then - apart from the photos? Well he's making his way back into County Cricket, nothing stunning, but nothing hugely scary on the injury front in the last few weeks. Tomorrow will give a clearer picture as he takes to the field in Abergavenny as Glamorgan do their stuff against Leicestershire.

[mimitig]

The Thunder Downunder: Walking with Dinosaurs

Debate has raged down in the Dungeon about the walking non-issue. These types of arguments rarely rage at the Shed. Davo reckons it’s a complete waste of oxygen. The Marylebone Cricket Club’s Official Laws of Cricket are clear. Law 27 is explicit. In layman’s terms what it essentially says is that a batsman can give himself out if he wishes, but isn’t inclined to (27.1). Additionally, an umpire has the power to order a batsman back to the crease, if in his opinion he disagrees with the player’s misplaced morality (27.7). It ends with the incontrovertible phrase, “an umpire's decision, once made, is final” (27.9).

In light of this debate and with a parched palette, your correspondent hitched a ride in Davo’s ute and headed down to the Wattle and Swan to have a beer with local umpire Dickie Cowans, a man that played and officiated in Lancastrian League cricket for over two decades before being seduced to emigrate to Australia with the love of his life, local sculptor and Quarry Road Cricket Club scorer Rhonda Barrett.

An excellent Celtic flautist who once played at Buckingham Palace for the Queen Mother, Dickie began umpiring locally as soon as the Tasmanian Cricket Association allowed. With a veteran’s knowledge of the English game and six years experience in Australia, the Shed sought his views on walkers. Below lies the unedited transcription.

Nesta: G’Day Dickie.

Dickie: How are you old mate?

Nesta: Paddling upstream but she’ll be right. I was wondering if I could gauge your views on cricket for the website I write for occasionally.

Dickie: Googly isn’t it?

Nesta: That’s right.

Dickie: OK but it’s your shout. I had a read there the other day and saw that toff Martin-Jenkins taking the high moral ground.

Nesta: We’re in harmony today Dickie because that is precisely what I’ve come to talk about. Before we begin could you start off and tell the readers how you were given the name Dickie when you first arrived in these parts?

Dickie: Well you know this story because you’re the bastard who gave it to me. And it has stuck to me like a bad smell. Where’s that beer?

Nesta: It’s coming. And it wasn’t me it was Bluey. Go on tell the story. You know what? I’ve just realized that I don’t even know the name your Mother gave you.

Dickie: It was my Father and it is Brian.

Nesta: Easy mate. Come on Dickie,  just tell us the story. This is your chance to air your side of the tale.

Dickie: Yeah. OK. Well it was my first match umpiring down here and after being put through the wringer by the TCA, I was finally allowed to get back on the field.

Nesta: What happened with the TCA?

Dickie: They treated me poorly when I first arrived. They made me sit a beginners exam even though I’d already been umpiring back home for a dozen years. All’s forgiven now.

Nesta: Sounds fair. What did they say when you told them you were experienced and licensed in England?

Dickie: That I wouldn’t have any trouble passing the test!

Nesta: You probably thought he was joking! Hey Dickie, now what about that nickname?

Dickie: Yeah. Well I strolled out to the toss where you and Bluey from Sorell were waiting and you both started sledging me.

Nesta: That wasn’t sledging Dickie. And anyway, it was your own fault for wearing that silly white coat.

Dickie: Yeah well, if you let me finish.

Nesta: Sorry mate. Continue.

Dickie: As I was saying, you and the other captain were calling me Dickie and giggling like schoolgirls.

Nesta: Steady on Dickie. It’s a form of affection. You know that, don’t you?

Dickie: Well I do now but I didn’t then.

Nesta:  Is that why you gave me out leg before to a ball missing leg by three feet?

Dickie: It was swinging back and hitting middle! And you batted all bloody day didn’t you?

Nesta: 112 before that dodgy decision if I remember. Rhonda would have the book. It’s hard to forget centuries on the first day of the season. I know you didn’t mean it. It was late in the day and you were sweating buckets in that coat of yours.

Dickie: Are you printing this?

Nesta: I’m joking mate, we all know that umpires are bastions of integrity and honesty. Anyway, what do you think of walkers?

Dickie: Well, since living down here it's been pointed out to me that historically walking was a way for upper class Poms to assert their moral authority over everybody else.

Nesta: That’s exactly what Martin-Jenkins was doing then?

Dickie: What do you think, Nesta? Putting shit on the rest of us is a British ruling class tradition.

Nesta: Seen much walking down here?

Dickie: Never. I was told by old Tom Hawkins, he’s umpired for 40 years, that the real cheats are the walkers.

Nesta: What do you mean?

Dickie: Fellows that walk don’t do it all the time. So they plant a seed in the umpire’s mind that they are above suspicion. That way they are often given the benefit of the doubt when they do nick one.

Nesta: Not by old Tom, I bet. You're right, you don’t see too many blokes walking on 99. Did you see much walking when you umped and played in England?

Dickie: Remarkably Nest old man, I did.

Nesta: What was your job then? Walking coathanger?

Dickie: Not exactly.

Nesta: So walkers are not moral crusaders but con men. Is that right?

Dickie: I never thought so until I came to live here but I think that is a correct assessment.

Nesta: Should we suspend them for bringing the game into disrepute?

Dickie: Enough bloody questions Nesta. Where’s my ale? Being a celebrity is hard slog on a Sunday afternoon. Where’s your guitar? Let’s go out on the verandah, sit in the sun and play some tunes.

Nesta: Sounds like a plan, Dickie. I’ll get the beers.

[Nesta Quin] [Image: Getty]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 10: Peter Bowles

Peter Bowles is the English actor who is perhaps most famous for portraying upper-class characters often caught in hilarious situations, such as being in hospital in Only When I Laugh. Oh my sides!

Graham Gooch, of course, once found himself in the hilarious situation of being England captain when absolutely no-one really wanted him to be, even his team mates.  He is in no way upper class though.

A bit of Dazz, a bit of Phil, a lot of cricket

Limbering up for my coverage of tonight's Dazz show, I tuned in to the Twenty20 coverage last night (after writing up my Tour report) and found my favourite, Phil Tufnell on the airwaves. As I joined, "The Cat" was describing someone "smearing it all over the pitch". I didn't know who was smearing what, and to be honest I'm not sure Phil did either as soon after he asked not only what the scoreboard said, but where was the scoreboard! Isn't that so the spirit of Twenty20? Mad, confused and exciting. It was just as well that I had that little limber, as tonight, Tuffers was with Goughie for the Cricket Show, and it was another hectic and hysterical affair. A good job that experienced broadcaster Eleanor Oldroyd was there to keep a semblance of control, as otherwise, we'd have had nothing but laughter. Which whilst therapeutic fun would not have been the point.

Gough again managed a stellar line up of guests, starting with Chris Broad - much talk of the selection policy that saw Chris Tremlett get a Test debut ahead of son Stuart (bless him), and a good discussion of Strauss's 96 at Lord's today. All seemed to agree that it was a fine knock and it was only a very typical batsman's wish of making the ton with a four or six that got him out. No criticism at all. After a very interesting discussion of the use of Hawkeye in cricket as opposed to tennis - Chris feels it has a place but there's no substitute for experience in dodgy decisions where even the machine is reduced to guess-work, we had next guest. What an absolutely delightful and charming man Harbhajan Singh is. No bitterness about missing out on the Indian Test side, hopes to get a call for the One-Dayers and answered all questions with openness and a sort of innocence. Questioned about Dhoni's resignation from Surrey - he just said he didn't know details but somehow this was just honest and not avoidence. Also when asked about his non-selection for the India side he told us he'd heard it on TV - but there was not even an undercurrent of unhappiness. He'll be a great addition to the Surrey side and seems to be so pleased to be here.

Next up was David Hussey - the younger brother of Michael, and again another delight. Quite open about his desire for the Baggy Green, but very happy to be here. Then came the Corkster (pictured). To be honest there was so much laughter that I found it hard to keep track of the serious discussions, but there were some. Sensible words about how England disregard players past 28-29, and at 30 you're past it. Fun stuff about heckling from the crowd. Apparently Dom got a bit of crowd-sledging about his waistline recently and riposted with "hey Kojak, pack it in" on seeing the heckler was bald. Well, maybe not top-notch stand-up stuff, but as Dazz said, it's all in good fun.

I had to leave the show before Geoff Lawson's spot, but will try and find that in the ether for another time. All in all, this was another entertaining and informative show - a great introduction to the game for new fans, and a real filip for the old and jaded. There is an utter magic between Dazz, Dom and Phil that puts some other cricket broadcasters to shame.

Join them next week and if you can't I'll do my best to bring you highlights.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 9: Video Special!!

An homage to the moustache by many, many people.  Even a cat with one at about the one minute mark!

Darren Gough's Cricket Show

I was pleased to hear trailers on Radio 5Live earlier in week confirming that Darren's show is now a fixture on the airwaves from 8pm til 9 on Thursday evenings, and even more pleased to learn that, taking advice from The Googly (Dazz and Ramps at fantasy Wimbledon), he had invited Mark Ramprakash to "cha cha cha" into the studio. A dash down the road from my Book Group - I live in Scotland, it's a way of life - clutching my copy of Neil Gaiman's wonderful Mirrormask accompaniment to his film for this week's reading - thank goodness Dazz didn't show up on the radio til 8.05pm. His opening was a typical Goughian chuckle of "yeah, heh, heh" as he introduced the man in the sparkly vest (Ramps) and The Analyst, Simon Hughes (pictured right). Now Simon may not have made much of a mark in his cricketing career, but is the voice of reason and fact in broadcasting and is much missed by many a viewer since the demise of Channel Four's live coverage.

There was a good debate about the rights and wrongs of the Kent/Worcestershire match being replayed. General feeling seemed to be that this is not a good decision. As Ramps said, everyone suffers the weather and the teams should "take it on the chin". Moving on to the selection for the initial England squad for the Twenty20 World Cup, the Dazz once again, only had to pick up the phone to have Tim Bresnam and Adil Rashid on the other end. Tim admitted to being shocked at his inclusion, but he's looking forward to bowling and batting against India. Adil is still feeling pretty fresh and chuffed after Man of the Match in the Roses game, and it's his dream to bowl to Sachin Tendulkar.

This wasn't the knockabout Cricket Show we had last week with Tuffers, or the fantasy one that I produced some weeks ago. Maybe a different dynamic of studio guests altered the tone. But this was a serious show and when they started on how young bowlers should be allowed to develop, Gough as usual provided some real insights. He's been there, done that, and isn't so far away himself from being recalled to the England squad as a death-bowler. When he says that young men are not given enough time to develop the groove and learn from experience how to vary their approach, I think there are selectors and coaches out there who would do well to listen.

We had chat about KP's latest statements about being "half asleep at Edgbaston" because he is "mentally shot to bits, not at the races". Now Goughie, a great chum of KP's didn't have a lot of sympathy, but then admitted that bowlers always had injury to claim and get a bit of a break. As the Analyst explained: "England have played an international game every four days since last October". That's a hell of a toll on anyone.

Could you, I or any of the couch-seeking slobs we know, manage to do anything like that?

As I said above, this wasn't the laugh-a-minute stuff of Gough last week, but new stuff that is not just regurgitated rubbish from other sports feeds. Keep at it Dazz - we're listening.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 8: Burt Reynolds

There are a lot of things you don't see any more: Test matches with a 2.5 per over run rate; Simon Jones; decent programmes on ITV; and, perhaps most lamentably, pictures of moustachiod film stars naked on a bearskin rug. The Googly is hoping to redress the balance with this week's Goochalike.

The Googly and its parent Shiny Media apologies to anyone who may have been eating while reading this post.

Cricket Look-a-likes: Paul Collingwood

After a poor week for the England team, things only got worse yesterday for St Paul of Collingwood's long-lost brother, Jonas Bjorkman. There I was sitting quietly in the calm after yet another great Australian victory (Robbie McEwen blazing up the blind side to steal the first sprint of Le Tour in Canterbury - I just love those men in lycra!), and out of the corner of my eye, I swear I thought Paul was wielding a racket down in SW19. Shock! Then I realised it was another loser.

Not a good time for the strawberry-blonds. Jonas lost out to the least-famous Scotsman of tennis - that'd be Andy's brother Jamie then. And England swept to a magnificent defeat on Saturday to what is virtually a scratch team from the West Indies.

It's hard to see how England can pull themselves out of the mire to face India in the One-day game. Maybe Paul and Jonas should swop trades?

[mimitig]

Mediawatch with Bell and Colly

Another Friday came and went as I trawled the airwaves and web pages for some exciting insights from cricketers in the media. A pretty fruitless activity, and I wished I could turn back the clock just a little and hear again the almost hysterical laughter of Dazz and Tuffers as they ended their broadcast on Thursday. That would have been more entertaining than the everlasting yawn that is Paul Collingwood at the BBC. We all know that the thorn in England's flesh in this current One-day series is Shiv Chanderpaul and if England didn't have "theories as to how we might get him out" it would be more than a tad concerning. Sadly Paul continues "we'll get that bit of luck or a magic ball which gets him out early". Sounds like a good plan, Paul! If Shiv's ankle comes up well, and it's looking good, and he plays today, no doubt Paul will be hoping Harry Potter can hang around Trent Bridge with his wizarding wand.

That was about as good as it got from England's captain this week. We learned that Monty is still a part of England's One-day plans - no explanation of why he'd been left out at Edgbaston. We also discovered that England is still "learning and experimenting and finding out which (sic) are the best players in these certain conditions and situations ... getting the balance right in the side." Predictable rubbish all, really, and disappointing from a man who we know can speak fluently and interestingly on his sport.

No wonder I went to bed on Friday eagerly awaiting a Bell column in today's Guardian only to have my hopes dashed. The Bell-Boy's gone missing, and I for one can't wait for his return.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

The Dazzler's back

Well what an evening! First off, my carefully crafted draft of this piece disappeared into the ether, so I'm afraid, dear reader, that you only have my second attempt. I think I started last time bemoaning the weather-disrupted Twenty20 matches and being glad that after a few weeks absence, we were going to be treated to another evening of Dazz on the radio. It would have been nice to have an explanation of what happened to DG's show in the past couple of weeks, but we weren't so I must draw the conclusion that indeed the boys were dancing and watching the tennis. Back now, and tonight Mr Gough brought us a truly dazzling array of guests. Phil "The Cat" was with him in the studio, and they were joined by such stars of stage and screen (well, maybe pitch and park) as Kevin Pietersen, Owais Shah, Robert Croft and Vik Solanki.

It is a testament to Gough's standing within the cricketing world, that with only one complete show under his belt, it only takes a phone call and perhaps that persuasive voice, to convince chaps that it's worth spending their time on his show. KP was positively charming as a guest. He has so changed this fan's view of him in the past months. There was a very sweet exchange between him and Goughie about the Dazz being his best man in the forthcoming nuptials and on the cricket front, much openess and sense talked of the under-performing but keen new England One-day side. A lot of admiration for the Australian side was evident - and why not? They do bloody beat everyone, or as KP said "when the Australians turn up, they all do it" referring to the team spirit that we have seen so much of over the years. When asked about the England spirit, we had this from KP: "Colly's good, fantastic. Everyone can talk to him... such a good vibe in the dressing-room."  Now I could be flip and suggest that a captain should be good, but this sounded heartfelt and reminded me of Ian Bell's comments last week. I found KP surprisingly eloquent and when asked about his shout at captaincy a couple of weeks ago I totally believed his "Mate, I would be proud and humble to be captain in the future".

To be honest, there were rather a lot of "mates", "no worries" and "aw looks" from all of them (except Robert Croft, who could never say a word that wasn't gorgeously Welsh in tone) - at one point I wondered if I'd tuned into Channel 9 by mistake! But all in all, this was a show with plenty to recommend it - discussions with Croft particularly on the crowd problems in Twenty20 and the situation that Glamorgan are in having chosen to bring on their own young talent and not go down the Kolpak route were genuinely interesting and fresh.

It's a great return for Dazza and thanks so much Phil for reminding us of that classic sledge: "Lend us your brain, we're building an idiot!" These chaps, Gough and Tufnell are natural broadcasters - both with the ability to convey the smiles on their faces across the airwaves. Love 'em - hope the Cricket Show now has a regular spot.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 7: King C. Gillette

King C Gillette was the man who founded the Gillette razor company, and thus paved the way for imbecilic people to be sucked in by them and their ever-expanding blade numbers ever since.   Their latest one has six bloody blades.  Six!

However, his company probably had more of an effect on cricket than you might realise.  It was of course Gillette that were the initial sponsors of what is now the Friends Provident Trophy, which paved the way for one-day cricket tournaments in England and ultimately led to Twenty20.

Also, he invented the "razors and blades" business model, in which he sold the razor to you at a loss and then rear-ended you by overcharging for the blades. This is the same model used by Sky TV when they give you a set-top box and dish for nothing and then fleece you for the rest of eternity with subscriptions to their channels; and it is this very model that allowed Sky to basically buy the game in the UK.

You see, you don't get tenuous and unconvincing links between Victorian razor manufacturers and cricket such as this on rival sites do you?

The Thunder Downunder: Facing the Music

The hypnotic polyrhythms of Blackstar were emanating deep below the surface in the dank and funky UK Googly dungeons when the Editor phoned this week to request a follow up to last week’s Thunder Downunder column.

It appears that the mere mention of Australia fielding Ponting’s dream opening attack of Lee and Tait, hurling 150 kmh thunderbolts at English throats, has caused a climate of fear and a deluge of emails in the Old Dart. There was some idiotic defiance by a few with short attention spans but that was soon forgotten by the intermittent and fickle orgy of Twenty/20, Twelve/12, Ten/10, Eight/8 and Five/5 matches that are currently underway on the well drenched soil of Britain.

The Editor could barely be heard above the sweet melodies and ringing stinging crash cymbals as he communicated the groundswell and controversy. He instructed the Shed’s contacts to find which watering hole Boonie and Merv are currently occupying and to seek out their views on who will replace Justin Langer as Matthew Hayden's opening partner.

Big shoes to fill. Langer and Hayden are statistically one of the most successful opening partnerships in Test match history. Only the legendary West Indian pairing of Greenidge and Haynes have scored more runs for the first wicket. However, the Australians clearly have the superior average. Greenidge and Haynes scored 827 more runs but they played 35 more innings. Testament, no doubt, to Desmond and Gordon’s longevity and professionalism in an era when fewer Test matches were played each calendar year.

After accepting this assignment your correspondent negotiated a meagre expense account - enough for two phone calls - and also agreed to investigate the player that will replace Adam Gilchrist in the one-day set-up when he hangs up the yellow togs later this year or early next.

Even bigger boots to fill. Gilly is unarguably the best wicket-keeper batsman to grace the modern game and while his skills are diminishing he can still perform at the highest level. His match-winning 149 from 104 balls in the World Cup final will surely be recorded as one of the finest innings ever produced by a one-day opening batsman.

After one well placed phone call to the conscientious, fluorescent orange dungareed volunteers of the Victorian State Emergency Service, we discovered the mo mafia snuggled on the bar, splashing their feet in the now stagnant floodwaters inside the Burrabogie Island Sailing and Fishing Club.

Before Big Merv and his little mate were dragged away kicking and cursing by rescuers in a rubber dinghy, a few insights were gleaned and below is the run-down on the players likely to face the new ball and the fresh pacemen this coming summer.

Brad Hodge - Age 32
66 Centuries
This week desperately and insecurely volunteered to replace Justin Langer as Test opener. It won’t happen. Has a slim chance of securing the one-day opening position. Has impressed of late as a middle order bat in pyjamas but there are still doubts about his technique to the ball moving away. His best chance of securing a long-term Test place is if Michael Hussey opens.

Michael Hussey - Age 32
62 Centuries
Averages 80 from his 16 Tests and 59 from 72 ODIs. Easily the best candidate to open in the five day arena but his crucial Bevan-like finishing position in the ODI squad makes his selection as Test opener a schizophrenic proposition. If any player in the squad could fill two vastly different roles and not let it affect his game, it is Mister Cricket.

Phil Jaques - Age 28
39 Centuries
The incumbent. The prolific southpaw is the perfect carbon copy replacement for Justin Langer in the Test squad if the selectors opt to keep Hussey in the middle order. Has scored runs on all surfaces and has proved himself time and again. Questions remain over his fielding and that is enough to keep him out of the loop where limited-overs cricket is concerned. 

Michael Clarke - Age 26
26 Centuries
The golden boy of Australian cricket with a long and illustrious career ahead. His boyhood hero was Mark Waugh and Pup would love to open the batting for the ODI team. Has done the job on nine occasions for eight wins and has excelled averaging 63. A strong candidate and obvious successor to open when Gilchrist retires.

Chris Rogers - Age 29
22 Centuries
Demanded selection in the contracted squad due to his gritty run scoring consistency over the last five domestic summers. Short sighted and colour blind, Chris would be a surprising first choice replacement for Langer but if the ginger tenacious leftie was given the job he wouldn’t let the side down.

Shane Watson - Age 26
13 Centuries
Possible opener in both forms of the game. Will open for Queensland with Hayden in the first two Pura Cup matches at the start of the summer and if he succeeds he may get Langer’s job. The most technically correct batsman in the squad and a favourite of Ponting. Opened at the last Champions Trophy and acquitted himself well. Will be in both teams but it is still uncertain what his role will be.

Brad Haddin - Age 29
12 Centuries
Gilchrist’s obvious replacement in the one-day squad and opens the batting in limited-overs cricket for NSW. Under pressure from Tasmania’s Tim Paine and West Australia’s Luke Ronchi and will need to perform when chances present to keep his contract next year.

Matthew Hayden has been reported as saying that he intends playing on indefinitely to guide the next set of openers into the international arena. Hussey would be the best choice in Test matches but balance also needs to be considered so Phil Jaques will probably get the nod for the first Test against Sri Lanka in November. Shane Watson is the roughie and cannot be discounted. In the one-day arena Michael Clarke looks set to emulate his hero but once again Watson’s name is on the short list.

Overall Australia’s batting stocks are strong and whoever the selectors choose will be under pressure to keep their spot. With 27 Tests and innumerable ODIs scheduled in the next 18 months Australia’s top order should be well and truly settled when they arrive in England in 2009. 

[Nesta Quin] [Image: Getty]

Ian Healy in a bit of comedy bowling action

Us English love Ian Healy, and by love I mean hate obviously.  For years he tormented us with his chuntering behind the wickets and his knack of constantly pretending to stump people - even when they had not even left their crease.  Of course, the fact that he was a great player in a formidable team may also have contributed to it.  Here he is doing some bowling impersonations in the 1993 Allan Border testimonial, opening with a brilliant skit of Mervyn Hughes.

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The weekend's bright - Bell's back

I wrote a few days ago that I was missing Ian Bell this week - not just the fact that his injury (all well now we believe) kept him out of the Twenty20 side, but also no column in the Guardian. Fortunately, he hasn't been dropped from there, just moved. I wonder if a Saturday column is a promotion? If so, I'd say well-deserved as again he has written something really worth reading. It may seem obvious that one of the factors hindering big performances and wins for the England Twenty20 and One-day side has been a fear of failure, but it's refreshing to read it from a member of the team. Reading between the lines, it would seem that there has been an element of blame-culture in the dressing-room in recent years, and that one of the changes Peter Moores has made is to remove that aspect of the post-match de-brief.

When Ian tells us that Andy Flower (assistant coach) positively encourages players to talk to him or Moores about what their role is if any of them have any uncertaincy, it begs the question: did they not feel free to do this before? Bell's whole column rings of an openness within the set-up, that seems to be paying at least a few dividends already. Not least that we can continue to enjoy the sort of cricketers' media forays that we always hope for when one of them puts pen to paper.

Another nice peice of home-work from the Bell-Boy and I for one, find it encouraging that he should chose Ricky Ponting as a role-model. A winning mind-set, adorned with Allan Border medals, Test average of 59.29, One-day 43.31, and the world's leading batsman to boot - why not aspire to match the best?

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Tuffers at the match

After his debut commentating on the first Twenty20 of the season on 22nd June, it was great to see the BBC show faith in the "Cat" and bringing Phil Tufnell back for a share of the International match against the West Indies at the Brit Oval. As things got underway - Sidebottom bowling to Chris Gayle, our Phil seemed a bit tentative but soon got over any nerves. The throaty chuckle coming to the fore - though perhaps inappropriately as he laughed away the Southgate incident with "What is cricket coming to?"

I found it interesting that Jonathan Agnew, joining Phil in the box, seemed more enthused than for a long time. Perhaps Phil's informal style - including questionning if Aggers ever wore earrings, gave the veteran a little bit of whizz. "Do you think England look a little nervous in the field?" queried Phil - which after some missed shies at the stumps and failed attempts at catches seemed a sensible question. I've never heard Aggers concur with a colleague so heartily. It seems that Phil Tufnell's style is gloriously suited to the madness that is Twenty20 cricket and coverage, and his personality shines through the airwaves. I was a bit disappointed that we didn't have more of him in the first innings. It was great to have him back with Tony Cozier for the England innings. I liked how he questioned where the shots went: "Is that cow corner?" he giggled at one point. Phil - it's not that long ago you were an England bowler! But there really is a joy about the Tuffers commentary that conveys the sheer manic excitement of Twenty20 and he has brought a new wonderful commentary partnership to Test Match Special with Jonathan Agnew. They had fun. We had fun.

Shame England lost, but nice to see that The Googly's One to Watch Dimitri Mascarenhas had a good night in the field with a couple of wickets and two well-held catches. Not so good for another of our picks Stuart Broad. I hope he hasn't been rushed into this team.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

More Colly, less Bell

I may have missed something this week, but it seems that little Ian Bell has been mostly silent. Perhaps he had to have a lie-down, overwhelmed with emotion from the plaudits thrown at him by The Googly last week. Don't stay away too long, Ian. We look forward keenly to your column these days and need you back.

Fortunately over at the BBC, Paul Collingwood has saved the day for those of us who relish the media forays of our brave cricketing heroes, and I'm pleased to be able to tell you that Paul and the boys are going out there tonight in the Twenty20 match against the West Indies to win. Phew, Paul, for a moment there I wondered whether we had a captain on our hands who actually planned on losing! Now that might sound cruel, but we have warned Paul that more is expected from him than platitudes and cliches. It's all well and good to hear that he is excited about the captaincy, spending a lot of time thinking about it, the attitudes in the dressing-room are "fantastic" and the boys are "raring to go". But please, these are simply what we would expect.

My interest was piqued when Paul said: "It's been an interesting few days with things I've had to do that I've never had to do." I was looking forward to some real insights into taking over a team that has performed extremely poorly in the One-day game, and thought we were in for a treat. Or at the very least some intriguing revelations about unusual demands on England's captains, but sadly no more was forthcoming.

Let's hope the team shows a bit more flair and originality on the pitch, and then perhaps Collingwood will have the confidence to give an interview that tells us something new.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

English cricket at its most hilariously useless

We often get the hump when English cricket is jibed at, but this video makes us realise we should lighten up a bit.  Frankly, if you didn't laugh you'd cry.

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Dazz and Ramps at fantasy Wimbledon

Two weeks ago, we were treated to the inaugural Darren Gough Cricket Show on Radio 5Live. We reviewed it here. Last week, expecting more of the same, it was not a cricket-treat for listeners but the motor-cycles. Oh well, I thought, just a matter of time. Dazz and Dom and their guests will be back next week. Disappointing then to realise that in Wimbledon fortnight, all else takes a back seat, but what joy - I found that the boys, joined by our favourite heart-throb, Mark Ramprakash, had been invited to Sue Barker's special room - to which we at Googly Dungeons have unprecedented access - to have a chat about the tennis and cricket, and of course, dancing.

The chat about the cricket was, brief. The County Championships are in their period of rest, of course and not a lot so far this week for Twenty20 (apart from the unpleasantness at Southgate on Monday - covered elsewhere) because of so much rain. This led to a discussion about whether David Morgan would get the top job at the ICC (he did) and how feasible it would be for him to implement Dazz and Dom's brilliant idea for underwater cricket. Brief words were spoken about Bell's groin and Trott's hand, but this is a family website and best we don't go there!

So with nothing more to say, we were thrilled when Sue introduced the special guests - the gorgeous Mark and British tennis's own poster-boy, Tiger Tim Henman. After a few heated exchanges about the unfairness of the cricket show spot being so shamelessly stolen by John McEnroe for his "6 love 6" - and what sort of score is "love" anyway, sneered tough Yorkshireman Gough - the talk turned invevitably away from sport (none of them knew much about the tennis) and to the graceful art of ballroom dancing.

With 2 experts beside him, Tim was in the mood to pick their brains. He revealed that he's confidently expecting a call-up to next season's Strictly, and needs all the help he can get. Before too long Mark was humming a samba rhythm, and Dazz and Dom showed how harmonious 2 old cricketers can be as they regaled us with a Viennese waltz. The Googly left them tango-ing away, but hopes sincerely that the next time we bring you a review of the Cricket Show, there'll be a bit more room for realism.

[Image: Getty] [mimitg]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 6: Allen Stanford

Allen Stanford, the man who has used his own money to start a Twenty20 league in the Caribbean and thus benevolently foster the development of young West Indies players is also a dead ringer for our Graham.

Graham has not used his money to create a cricket league for the betterment of a nation, but he is closely involved with the coaching of Alastair Cook, so we can't have a go at him too much.

That can wait until next week.

The Thunder Downunder: Midwinter Blues

The midwinter solstice is history for yet another year and all at the shed are wildly rejoicing. Apart from anticipating waxing the board and cracking open the home-brew, lengthening sunshine allows for an extra over or two in the backyard before the batsman begs for mercy and a bad light decision. The countdown has begun and there are only 108 days to the beginning of the Australian domestic season. In the meantime the national squad will play the Twenty/20 World Cup and a 7 match ODI series in India but unless the editors of this fine publication generously adjust their priorities, the crew at the shed will be watching those matches on the flat-screen.

With blue skies and warmer days approaching it is time that your correspondent faced what he has been deliberately ignoring for most of 2007. Impermanence, like the snow melting into the rocky earth of Kosciusko has taken some months to sink in. It’s time to accept that the retirements of Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne will forever change the make-up of Australia's bowling stocks.

Pigeon was the rock on which the pace attack was constructed. Shane is unarguably the greatest leg-spinner that has ever played the game. Many pundits have opined that they will be impossible to replace and Australia will now come back to the field in international cricket. Here at the shed we are not convinced but like all things, time will tell.

When the Australian selectors, mo mafia David Boon and Merv Hughes, solicitor Andrew Hilditch and apprentice Jamie Cox, named the contracted squad at the beginning of May, this malady was in the forefront of their collective minds. Over an unshaven frothy glass with Boonie through the week he enlightened the Thunder to the process. Players were chosen on their form from last season and the likelihood of national selection over the next 12 months, taking into account who Australia plays. The balance of the side and the need to ensure the future development of the Test and one-day international team was paramount.

The batsman picked themselves and four wrist-spinners, White, Bailey, Hogg and Macgill were selected to cover for Warne’s absence. Eight fast bowlers were chosen blending youth and experience, left and right arms, swing and seam with both red and white ball.

With the cold, hard truth staring us keenly in the eye, the occupants of the shed ran the rule over the squad of quicks and present for our cherished and beloved visitors our collective wisdom for your leisurely perusal.

Brett Lee - Age 30
499 international wickets
This summer is the defining season in Brett’s career. Now that McGrath is retired it will be up to Bing to become the leader and spearhead of the attack. Injured and bitterly disappointed at missing the World Cup, the blonde speedster will want to make up for lost opportunities by terrorizing the Sri Lankans and Indians who have never been entirely comfortable on the hard bouncy pitches of the Australian continent. Often brilliant in the 50 over format, the jury is still out when it comes to the longer form of the grand game.

Jason Gillespie - Age 32
402 international wickets
The not-so-old stager deserves his place in the squad after a solid domestic season playing in a poor South Australian team. Obviously needed for his experience and guile, Dizzy would be a welcome inclusion not only for his tight bowling but for his resolute batting. Lost a yard of pace but has adjusted in the last 12 months and is expected to teach the younger more inexperienced bowlers what is required for a long career at the international level.

Nathan Bracken - Age 29
128 international wickets
Regarded by some as a one-day specialist, Bracks like all his team-mates had a great World Cup. Has only played 5 Tests to date but with 25 Test matches to be contested between now and December 2008 he is sure to play a few more. His skill at reverse swing and his newly developed clever changes of pace has made him a difficult prospect in all conditions.

Stuart Clark - Age 31
84 international wickets
A late bloomer Stu has excelled in Test matches and will be the obvious replacement for McGrath. From the same Sydney grade club as Pigeon, he has modelled himself on the great man and will be the first bowler selected when Australia’s next Test rolls around in November.

Shane Watson - Age 26
65 international wickets
The big hope of Australian cricket. If Watson can fulfill his potential he may eventually be regarded as Australia’s best allrounder since Keith Miller. Will allow Ponting an extra pace bowling option and will more than likely bat at 6 or 7 and eventually replace Gilchrist as Australia’s premier allrounder.

Shaun Tait - Age 24
33 international wickets
Prematurely selected during The 2005 Ashes, the injury prone paceman has recently had elbow surgery and hopes to recover for the Twenty/20 World Cup. If he and Lee are ever fit at the same time the selectors will be tempted to play them both. Ponting has made no secret of his desire to have Lee and Tait bowling in tandem at the world’s best bats. A frightening and most entertaining prospect and if it ever occurs Australia will have a 21st century version of Lillee and Thomson.

Mitchell Johnson - Age 25
26 international wickets
Identified and fast-tracked through the system by Dennis Lillee, left-arm Johnson is another youngster of which much is expected. Quick, tall and accurate, Mitch may have to wait another season or two to cement a place in the first XI. He will be competing with fellow left-armer Bracken for a place and could probably do with another solid season for Queensland under his belt. 

Ben Hilfenhaus - Age 24
3 international wickets
Incredibly Ben was laying bricks for a living less than 12 months ago. After taking a record number of wickets in a domestic season and with his laconic rural Tasmanian demeanor, Hilfenhaus is already a cult hero throughout the continent. An intelligent quick who can swing it both ways as well as being a master of seam and length, Ben regularly took early top-order wickets and was the key to Tasmania winning it’s first domestic 4 day trophy. Many good pundits within the cricket community think that Hilfenhaus may be one of the Baggygreen’s all-time greats. There is a lot of pressure on the lad and it will be interesting to see how he develops over the next 18 months.

Combined, Warne and McGrath snared 1949 international wickets. Their absence does leave a great big hole in Australia’s bowling set-up. Of that there is no doubt. In the next 12 months it is likely that all eight selected quicks will get an opportunity to push for permanent selection. Only Stuart Clark at this stage is certain of a place at the beginning of the next Test series against Sri Lanka. Watson, if he can stay fit, will play as a batting allrounder. Macgill will be the spinner and so that only leaves two spots for the other six contracted pace bowlers to fill. Competition will be fierce and it promises to be fascinating witnessing the evolution of Australia’s next generation of bowling partnerships. 

[Nesta Quin] [Image: Getty]

What's in a name?

Teenage schoolboys and those who share their sense of humour (sometimes referred to as "men") may soon receive an unexpected gift. We know from the likes of AB de Villiers and HD Ackerman that the Saffers enjoy an initial or two and cricket has always rejoiced in its PBH Mays and IVA Richards, so we must hope that the latest product of the South African all-rounder production line lives up to his great promise, as evidenced by his 4-12 on debut today vs Ireland.

Why? That player (pictured right) is splendidly monickered "VD Philander". [The Tooting Trumpet]

A bit about the Twenty20

This is not a comprehensive round-up - hey with so many matches on tonight what do you expect? But what a start we've had to the competition! A plethora of delights, and one to cherish is Phil "The Cat" Tufnell's debutant performance attempting ball-by-ball commentary. His beautiful, gorgeous opening remarks were not about the fine cricketers about to take to the park, but this self-deprecating remark: "I've forgotten all the fielding postitions. My mind goes blank." Phil we love you and totally identify with that!  Phil did manage a few cricket related comments. On a catch he said "He held that lovely" and "Middlesex need boundaries. Can they kick on?" Later we heard from the Cat that " I don't think it's enough on this wicket - 2 overs to go". Phil when you told us that Surrey should knock it off, I think we were all won over. Please stay with us to commentate. Tell us about Ramps and keep us glued to the Oval - and you did, thanks mate: "It's all over mate, Mark won the game with the 6. Ramps for England, for me". Tuffers, I think we know where you're coming from. Mate. Love it.

Masters and Bresnam played well up in the Yorkshire match, even though as I wrote this the young Tim had no runs. I was diverted to find out what was happening to Brophy, and how Henderson was bowling. It's a fairly hectic process following this Twenty20. Snape has just got a hat-trick for the Foxes and Yorks are sliding away - baring a miracle from the Dazzler. And it's happening - Chris Gilbert plays the innings of his life (Arlo White tells us). "He should get 8 for that". At Grace Road it's game on as the phoenix rises from the flames and Dazz gets a 6 but then is caught on the boundary. He's gone. Yorkshire need 25 from 5. They won't get it. Jim Allenby is bowling a fine and accurate line. He's bowling to fellow Aussie Gillespie and Yorks can't win. The Foxes begin their defence in fine style, and with huge entertainment for the crowd. More on the Twenty20 later from your friends at The Googly.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

In the media with Bell and Colly

Not surprisingly the main topics for our men in the media this week have been the One-day captaincy - for Collingwood, and not playing the FP semi for Bell. As far as the latter is concerned, young Ian has written from his heart in the Guardian (and the article appears on the GU blogs). His disappointment at not being picked shows clearly, as does his love for Warwickshire and commitment to the club. The Googly is pleased to see that Mr Bell is continuing to dispense with the usual platitudinous guff that we have seen so much of in cricketers' columns over past years. He also provided a solid and interesting piece at the end of last week on 1st innings batting.  Go to the top of the class, Belly-Boy!

Over at another place, I'm afraid that Paul just hasn't quite found the same sort of groove yet. On the subject of Michael Vaughan's decision to quit as One-day captain, Paul reveals that he is "surprised" (obviously hadn't been reading the same papers and articles as us then), that MV has "world-class talent but captaincy puts stress on your shoulders". In another unexpected exclusive, he tells us that it is "up to the selectors to make the decision" but if offered the captaincy would be "very happy to take it".  Thank you Paul, valuable insights all.

While I'm very happy at the thought of Collingwood becoming captain, I am regretful that KP has now ruled himself out of the hunt, as I won't get another chance to hear Geoff Boycott's dulcet Yorkshire tones declaring that the fans "don't care what colour his hair is, if he has danglers in his ears or round his neck". Strange moment that.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Another week, another show

A Goughian starry night awaited us with much talking of the just-ended series against the West Indies. England won comprehensively, but perhaps only because the Windies are a spent force these days.

Not to be. R5 Live chose to devote this slot to a Bike Night (Rossi pictured right). Now I have no problem with this, in fact, as a bike fan, I welcome more coverage of the 2-wheeled beasts, but there seems to have been a bit of promise that didn't deliver.

While the Test series has been less than heart-threateningly exciting, there has been plenty for England fans to chew on. Some new faces appearing and looking like fixtures in the team for this season - step forward Matt Prior and Mr Sidebottom - and some worrying injuries (that'd be you Hoggy) that would have been worth hearing about tonight. I also hoped to hear more from Mickey Blue-eyes about his abrupt U-turn on the One-day captaincy and whether his superb batting this afternoon was to mark out to the selectors that he shouldn't be ignored. I hoped to hear from St Paul - after all his dream before the Test certainly came true. He got a ton, he is most likely to be next One-day captain, and just to make it perfect for the north-eastern lad, he hit the winning runs.

I do not rush to judge - no doubt we'll have more from the Daz and Dom show next week, and more gems from Hicksie. R5 has to schedule according to the demands of the sporting programme, so hey, ho, we'll see what happens in this slot next week. More from The Googly when the BBC decide where their priorities lie.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 5: Lord Kitchener

Gooch's latest doppelganger is the man who could be held responsible for the deaths of thousands of young British men, something which as far as I am aware Gooch himself has never been accused of.

Of course if that was Gooch on the poster it would actually read, "Your Country Needs YOU!  Yes you Graeme Fowler, as I'm off to South Africa to line my pockets on an immoral rebel tour!"

Don't forget to send in your nominations folks.

The Chronicles of Kevin Pietersen's Horrific Hairstyles

KP is a fabulous cricketer, this is so blatantly obvious that we need not discuss it again here.  Instead let us take this opportunity to dwell on a full retrospective of what he is not so good at: haircuts.

1. The Scruffy Mongrel.  A look seen mostly on abandoned canines in Battersea.

2.  The Skunk.  Pepe le Peu with a tan

3. The Reality TV Stylist.  Missed his calling teaching fat women how to like being naked with this look.

4. The Ginger Caterpillar.  Words fail me on this one, truly.

5. The Surfer Dude.  A greasy surfer dude is still a surfer dude

6. The Neverland Lost Boy. As an aside, what is the score with that jacket?

7.  The Bouncer.

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  As you can see from my picture, I'm a happy man today.  This is because last night I showed what a good judge of character I am by choosing some flash Oxbridge lad who has achieved nothing, despite all his advantages, over a single-mum who has managed to carve out a great career despite being alone with her child since the age of 17.  I really am that good.  Anyway, to the cricket.

HIRED!
Aleem Dar & Billy Bowden - A more masterful display of judgement I have never seen, apart from me last night obviously.

Alex Loudon - For no other reason than this week I like boys who went to private school .

Darren Sammy - like a diamond glittering within a river of shit this boy.

FIRED!
Liam Plunkett - not bowling very well, also did not go to a private school, and I don't like that.

Dr Ere Seshaiah - poor decision making in a key task, also he probably lost me money and/or didn't go to private school

Andrew Strauss - scoring no runs, but on the other hand he went to a private school, this is a tough one.

BellWatch - keeping you at the bleeding edge of Ian Bell

Former Radiohead lead singer and moderately performing England batsman Ian Bell is a man close to our hearts here at The Googly, so we feel it is our duty to keep you up to date with what is happening in the world of Bell.  Who says the BBC have all the best seasonal features eh?

Our copper topped hero has once again been putting pen to paper, via a telephone and ghost writer, in his usually banal Guardian column.  But, in a shock that sent vibrations through the structure of Googly Towers, this week he was actually interesting; leading us to conclude that he finally tuned in to what the public want, or more likely that the ghost writer cut him out of the equation altogether.  Either way, his column about fielding at short-leg is a cracker.

Let's hope he doesn't return to the usual garbage about "the lads are really happy/disappointed" and "I'm chuffed/not happy about my century/3" next week. [Lee C] [Image: Getty]

The Gough show: 8 pm start - not in Scotland!

I tuned into Radio 5Live last night for the much heralded Gough Cricket Show, and it got off to rather a poor start. 8pm they said for the start. Well this correspondent lives in the far north of Scotland, but hadn't realised that there was a time difference between London and the Moray Firth. At 20.04 I was still listening to Gaby Logan. Ah me, so far are we from the cricket heartland.

Nonetheless I stayed with it, and within the next few minutes we were treated to some clips from the Dazzler's best international performances and there was a somewhat predictable "Howzat" yelled. But we love this because Darren is now an official treasure. After all, it's not that long ago that he raised the glittery ball trophy, thus proving that cricketers can dance. Which of course every women's bit of eye-candy (wake up Ramps - we're talking about you!) did the following year.

But the show was worth more than a few cheap jibes. We've learned that Plunkett's action has gone "a bit to pot". We couldn't have grasped that before could we? He "should go back to the counties and then come back for the ODIs". Nice. And our fast-bowling fiend Mr Harmison, well Messrs Gough and Cork reckon he'll get 400 Test wickets. Dom reckons that only Harmy and Goughie  can bowl at 90 mph and get wickets. Nice.

Graham Hick joined in and raised the really important question of why do the commentators always talk about golf. Well, good question Hicksie? Maybe because it's what all the retired cricketers mention on interview. Duh! Still some nice (notice my use of this word!) stats came up again. Hick mustered a pretty impressive 40,000 runs in his career and next guest, the ever popular Justin Langer (yes I know we hate him in an Ashes endeavour, but we love him for spending his winters enriching English County cricket - you know we do!) is hacking on towards a 25,000 haul. Not bad, mate. Rather endearingly Mr Langer sounded a bit "tired and emotional". Wonder what his week has been about then? He sweetly changed the topic from batting to bowling and, with the encouragement of Mr Cork at the helm of the interview, revealed that he did take 5 wickets at an average he wouldn't wish us to publish. Bless!

But the man - and let's not forget how awesome this Aussie batsman is - does rate our Googly pick of young Hildreth. You heard it here first. He also was not allowed by Gough and Cork to run away without another Aussie-ism of "Aw look mate"- we love those here. So here it is from the mouth of a master, about the much beleaguered Strauss. "He's a natural leader, he has the shots. The cut, the pull. Aw and mate, Tres is a brilliant bloke."  Yup, bit confused there. Is it Straussy or Tres that he favours? Does it matter? I think not.

We are very impressed that a great Aussie is prepared to turn up on our little radio show here. Talk to guys who don't have as many runs as him under the belt. Rest assured, dear reader. The Googly will bring you the highlights of Goughie's show every week.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

The Thunder Downunder: Fishing with Roy

This week an eerie hush fell over the shed. Even the cockatoos were absent from their morning routine of squawking raucously while ripping the verandah rails to shreds. Still, news has filtered through of Shane Warne’s five-for in a losing team at the beautiful Arundel Castle. Also Phil Jaques did his hopes of filling the vacant Australian opening slot no harm, scoring 124 in Worcestershire’s massive record equalling first innings total of 701 for 6 declared. Marcus North scored a fine century and snagged four wickets with his gentle off-breaks in an exciting match at Gloucester, while Victorian captain Craig White scored a ton playing for Somerset in their thrashing of Leicestershire.

In one-day action Brad Hodge continued his run of good form with 119 not out for Lancashire and the ever impressive Warne was influential with ball taking 3 for 30 from his 10 overs in Hampshire’s 2 run win against Kent.

With the off-season shenanigans in full swing and little to report on except roadkill and torrential rain, your nomadic reporter was favoured indeed when his mate Davo popped by the shed for a few cold ones. Not only did Davo have the compassion to fill the fridge but he also brought with him a DVD of a pilot television program made recently in Brisbane with the apposite title of Fishing with Roy.

In a Googly exclusive your Australian correspondent has been fortunate enough to view the show and although Davo reckons it is top secret, I am permitted to share the basic plot and a few of the gags with the good readers of the Thunder Downunder.

It begins on a perfect Queensland morning with a zooming wide-shot of a zinced-lipped Andrew 'Roy' Symonds chatting amicably with a grinning Matthew Hayden as the two big men stroll down a long wharf, tackle box and esky in hand. While boarding a spanking new 7.6 metre executive vessel at a luxurious Gold Coast canal marina, Symonds looked straight to camera and confidently exclaimed, ’G’Day. This morning on Fishing with Roy we're heading out to Stradbroke reef to rustle up some tucker that my mate Matt’s gonna cook-up for us a bit later on.’

The sparkling sunshine sprinkled transient natatorial diamonds as Roy and Haydos wrestled jocularly over the wheel. A friendly argument broke out until Andrew reminded Matt of the sinking of Our Lady. Matthew then reluctantly relinquished his hold on the wheel. Our Lady was Hayden’s 4.8 metre fishing boat that he capsized and sunk on the Stradbroke bar in 1999. That Roy was his passenger at the time and they had to swim for 90 minutes across the treacherous waters of Moreton Bay had not been forgotten. Roy finished the exchange with, ‘Look mate you almost killed us the last time you were skipper.’ Smiling a broad white-lipped grin he continued, ‘And when we swam through that school of pilchard I was secretly hoping a hungry shark mistook you for a fat seal.’

That sorted, Symonds took the wheel and charted the boat towards the Pacific Ocean. Before entering the vast aquatic wilderness Roy slowed the vessel so Matthew could lay a couple of pots in strategic locations along the river. As Matthew talked to camera about rancid flesh being irresistible to crayfish, Roy snuck up behind him as he was laying the last trap and pushed him in the drink while laughing hysterically. It became clear very early on who was the alpha male on this ship.

Cruising out to sea, salty dread ropes blowing across his face, Roy educated on various methods of tying hooks and the appropriate way to maintain your reel. He spoke with genuine excitement about different types of rod and bait selection. He was especially keen to show off his tackle box of home-made lures. His favourite a red, green, purple and white iridescent creation was made from feather of corella, lyrebird and rosella and the wing cuticle of a long dead Christmas Beetle. It was a sight to behold as he twirled it between his forefinger and thumb for the viewers, and his own, kaleidoscopic delight.

Matthew resplendently ridiculous in lime-green board shorts, yellow sponsor’s singlet, florescent orange life-jacket and sandals, reminded about the importance of the laws concerning water safety. With a wide smile he told a few anecdotes and Ricky received a grand bollocking about his comb-over and much deep chucking mirth followed.

Eventually, the fishing began and Roy was pulling them in from port and starboard, stern and bow. His knowledge of nomenclature, piscal anatomy and habitat was impressive. Matt elucidated about the environment, biodiversity and the need to leave something behind for the 2051 Ashes squad. Roy also demanded that he clean the fish. Matthew objected to this chore so Roy looked him square in the eye and said, ‘What’s the show called, mate. Fishing with Roy not Fishing with Boofhead’. With those words ringing in his ears Hayden clinically disemboweled a gasping mackerel with the same fury and ferocity he normally reserves for the new ball.

They enjoyed a beer or two and a chinwag on the return leg with a hilarious exchange of views concerning the poopdeck and touring India with Warnie. After clearing the craypots Roy expertly pulled into the wharf of a palatial Gold Coast mansion. There was much merriment as it was explained that it was Damien Martyn's place and he wasn't expecting them.

Matthew sparked up the red-brick barbeque while Roy sneaked through Marto's back door, camera in one hand, tempestuous snapping lobster in the other, and punk'd him showing his cut shot to a lively Queensland wannabe supermodel. After the initial shock and some coaxing out of the bedroom, a rueful Damien put his disheveled lass in a cab and joined the boys out the back for a feed.

Hayden all spices and sweat, cooked up a storm whilst sucking on a stubby. He displayed with an easy-going charm how to fillet, marinate and cook the meat to perfection. He chopped herb, bulb and seed with the skill, dexterity and soft hands required to play the latest of late-cuts and then dressed the fish with the imagination of a culinary tailor. It was obvious that he was just as comfortable with blade, tongs and fire as he is with willow.

Martyn, wearing loud pink Hawaiian shirt, khaki cargo pants and his ever-shining Hollywood grin, whipped up a tasty salad that his Mum taught him to make while being sledged repeatedly for his earlier dalliance with his amorous anorexic acquaintance.

The show ended with the three of them tucking in at an outdoor table on the patio as a red sun descended into the Darling Downs. Davo’s mail is that the TV executives were impressed and some episodes will be recorded professionally between the Twenty/20 World Cup and the start of the Australian season.

It was a great show for a first effort and a terrific advertisement for the Queensland way of life. It was laidback and the blokey affection Roy and Matt displayed was genuine and heartwarming. Busting Damien Martyn was special and Davo and I agree that Shane Watson attending the hairdresser would be the perfect next target to get Roy'd.

[Nesta Quin] [Image: Getty]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 4: Lord Lucan

Lord Lucan's mysterious disappearance occured around about the time Graham Gooch began his first-class career.  Coincidence?  I think perhaps not..

Keep your nominations for Men Who Look LIke Graham Gooch coming in.

The Cricket Lexicon

A brief lull in the relentless programme of cricket gives The Googly chance to dip once more into the Cricket Lexicon for more of its unrivalled wisden wisdom. The Great Readership are, of course, invited to submit their contributions to this bulging blockbuster.

Marknicholas (v.i) - A grooming routine designed to make up for falling levels of testosterone. Usage - Once he got to 45, first it was the motorbike, then the designer shirts - now I can barely get in the bathroom in the morning because he's in there marknicholasing for anything up to an hour!

Tresco (n) - The missing part of a machine, which renders the whole much less effective. Usage - "Of course you can ride a bike with just the big chain ring, but the small chain ring is the Tresco that speeds things up".

To Botham (v.i) - To repeat something continually in the mistaken belief that your auditor will understand it better the tenth time he / she hears it. Usage - "Stop that bothaming and get the phrasebook out".

To Colincroft (v.i) - To speak interminably in an increasingly repetitive way, but to be immune from criticism because everyone is scared of you. Usage - "Remember Mr Jones the geography teacher? He used to colincroft his way through those lessons, but we never said anything because he would slap you one with the ruler."

To Bowden (v.t) – To transform a role previously entirely procedural into an attraction in itself by dint of the ego of the incumbent all the while getting on everyone’s nerves. Usage - “Ulrika Jonsson did the weather forecast for TV AM, but bowdened the job into a key element of the show”.

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No 3: random mad moustache man

This may be what Gooch would look like if he went Howard Hughes level bonkers and never trimmed his 'tache.  As Nesta said when referring this wonderful subject to me, "This guy looks like he's signalling a wide with that mo'".

Don't forget to send your nominations in to this address, with a picture if they're a random looney like this one. [lee c]

Saj Mahmood injured

England's bowling attack has been struck by yet more injury troubles. This time it's Saj Mahmood who has been ruled out of contention by his groin. Details are fairly limited as to the exact nature of the injury that has beset the England and Lancashire fast bowler, but we understand that he is to undergo surgery to repair a double hernia. He is, therefore, unavailable for the rest of the West Indies Test Series.

Whether this will pose any sort of problem for Peter Moores is not for me to say - Saj had not been named in the squad for the 3rd Test - but with Matthew Hoggard still recovering from his injury, it may be time for the coach to investigate groin relocation surgery for all his fast bowlers!

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

The Thunder Downunder: The Long Road to 2011

Another busy week in the Thunder sheds with Greg Blewett and Shane Warne spitting the dummy, Adam Gilchrist contemplating retirement from the one-day arena and Damien Wright breaking down - not for the first time - on an off-season mortgage lopping adventure in Wales.

The editors were startled at the response to the debut column last week but were a bit miffed to have to sort through the hundreds of emails that arrived in their inbox. (Thanks Mum but from now on send them to my address. Or better yet, Dad’s.)  So impressed were my generous employers that they provided a one-way ticket on the Ghan and a single complimentary meal voucher to the Darwin Harbour fish and chip shop for the week long ICC World Cricket League Third Division qualifying tournament for the 2011 World Cup played last week in the tropical Northern Territory capital. With no accommodation provided I fortunately discovered a luxuriant mango tree to sleep under outside Marrara Oval. The tree was laden and your correspondent was victorious most nights in a fierce nocturnal tropical fruit battle with a colony of flying fox and a concupiscent possum. The spoils were sticky and organically delicious.

Despite my benefactors best efforts I survived and hitched a ride back to the sheds with a shotgun toting, ute driving, flannelette and denim wearing Anglican vicar named Brenda, who kindly lent me her hair-dryer to exsiccate the guano off my notes when we stopped for a dip at Mataranka. While soaking in the hot springs and staring at the starry desert sky, my sky-god loving companion, resplendent in crucifix pendant and Akubra, pointed out the irony of fighting sharp-clawed arboreal beasts to survive in a town named after the legendary evolutionist. 

I’d very much like to enlighten you, dear readers, on the machinations of the qualifying system for the 2011 World Cup but unfortunately Messrs Duckworth and Lewis have not responded to my calls or messages. When I do call I hear a computer voice detailing the statistical likelihood of either Mr Duckworth or Mr Lewis being in their office at any given moment in time and space. Currently it is 0.354569874512. I rummaged around the bottom drawer and found the slide-rule and after much cursing and confusion, your correspondent calculated much to his disappointment, that the infamous mathematicians were currently putting on the 13th green of the Belle Mare Golf Course situated on the lush Indian Ocean island of Mauritius.

Suffice to say that of the eight nations represented at this Division Three tournament, the top two go on to the next stage - unsurprisingly called the Division Two tournament - that is contested at Windhoek, Namibia in November.

There were two groups of four and Group A consisted of Argentina, Fiji, Italy and Papua New Guinea. While the Group B participants were Cayman Islands, Hong Kong, Tanzania and Uganda.

Group B was won with relative ease by Uganda winning all three matches by margins of 91 runs versus Hong Kong, 4 wickets in a low scoring contest with Tanzania and 26 runs against second placed Group B nation Cayman Islands.

Group A was far more exciting with three nations Argentina, Papua New Guinea and Italy, each winning two out of three, separated at the end of the first phase by run rate. Argentina topped the group with Papua New Guinea earning the other semi-final place. The luckless Italians, winners of the first and best match of the tournament against Argentina, were squeezed out by an inferior run-rate.

So after a dozen group matches where some good spirited cricket was played and many mangoes on grassy mounds consumed, the confirmed semi-finalists were, Uganda v Papua New Guinea and Argentina v Cayman Islands. These two matches was where the real prize would be decided, a place in the next round of qualification.

In the first semi, the unfancied Argentinians knocked over the pre-tournament favourites Cayman Islands for a paltry 102 runs in 40 overs. The hero was Argentina’s captain and burgeoning heart-throb Esteban MacDermott. The tall and athletic 25 year old MacDermott turned many a ladies head whilst in Darwin and on the hill at the Gardens Oval a throng of tanned local lassies were swooning and yelping as he blew them a kiss after everyone of his 4 crucial wickets.

The Bargies - as they were affectionately nicknamed in Darwin - lost wickets regularly in their chase and at one stage looked in danger of losing when 66-6, but the cool and quiet efficiency of wicketkeeper Alejandro Ferguson saw them home with 4 wickets and 94 balls to spare.

This was a brilliant and quite unexpected performance from the team in sky blue. They were only included in this tournament because of the suspension of the United States by the ICC. Before the tournament began hardly a soul gave the men from South America a metaphorical snowball’s chance of qualifying to Division Two. Many times they were under pressure and responded with spirit, passion and a fierce determination.

Their captain was brimming with pride at the post-match press conference.

“The boys could have easily lost focus or confidence after the one wicket defeat against Italy," MacDermott said, "but they remained committed and stayed on track because they trusted their instincts. This is the reward for their dedication and continuous hard work.

The man of the match then humbly gave credit where it was due and most unusually and perhaps dangerously for a South American called football, soccer.

"The credit for our promotion to Division Two not only goes to the team but to the entire support staff and all those who backed us all the way. Our performance in the tournament shows how rapidly cricket is growing in our country where soccer remains the first-choice sport."

The other semi featured the unbeaten and athletic Ugandans up against the plucky Papua New Guineans. The Ugandans were unbackable favourites in this contest but the Pappies - they love a nickname in the Top End - would not see their World Cup dreams dissolve without a fight. They fought tooth and nail and in a see-sawing contest the Ugandans prevailed by one wicket with 4 balls to spare. 

The Pappies skipper Rava Dikarna called correctly and batted on a well prepared pitch at the Tracy Village Oval. Early wickets were lost as the new-ball seamed around - a feature of this tournament - and at one stage PNG were reeling at 32-4. The beefy Mahuru Dai rescued the innings with an impressive 86 in 93 deliveries. He was ably assisted by John Ovia’s patient 43 and Asad Vala who scored a brisk unbeaten 40 to help the Pappies to the respectable and defendable 203-6 from their 50 overs.

Uganda’s chase under a hot and harsh tropical sun began in the worst way imaginable when young left-handed Arthur Kyobe was adjudged lbw to a booming inswinger delivered by PNG right-arm quick Hitolo Arena. Indonesian umpire Shahul Hammed considered it plum and had no hesitation in raising his wagging index finger. Undeterred by the brevity of the occasion 17 year old Roger Mukasa impetuously flayed the new ball around the park and when he was dismissed for 43 from 32 balls the Ugandans were off to a flyer at 75-2 from 12 overs.

After the fireworks from Mukasa the PNG boys dug deep knowing that all their hopes of proceeding further in this World Cup depended on the next few hours cricket. A superb spell of off-spin bowling by the wily veteran James Brazier triggered a mid-innings collapse and his unbroken spell yielded the impressive figures of 10-4-17-4. Brazier mixed up his deliveries in a masterclass of off-spin bowling and with the help of allrounder Ovia, who chimed in with 3 late wickets, the favourites Uganda were in trouble at 188-9 still needing 14 runs to get off 21 balls. Man of the match Kenneth Kamyuka steered the Ugandans to safety with a mature run a ball 43 not out, and his last wicket partnership with bunny Charles Waiswa where Kamyuka intelligently farmed the strike scoring all 14 runs, proved to be as anxious a finish as you could wish to witness.

The Ugandans were thrilled to progress to the next stage and their captain Joey Olweny told Cricinfo, "Obviously now we want to win the final and have immediately set our eyes at Argentina, but for the time being we want to enjoy this achievement because when we left our shores, the target was to qualify for the final and earn a place in Division Two. It has been a very tense and pressurised match and the boys have more than one reason to celebrate. The boys really deserve it."

The semi-final winners Argentina and Uganda celebrated their qualification with gutso and deservedly so. They will now join Denmark, Oman , United Arab Emirates and the host nation, Namibia in Windhoek in November.

The final played at the pristinely prepared Gardens Oval on a sunny breathless Saturday was a casual affair with only prestige at stake and it was won by the Ugandans by 91 runs keeping intact their unbeaten record in the tournament.

Your correspondent, despite sleeping in the long-grass and battling the fauna for his nightly tucker witnessed one of the most delightful cricket carnivals that has graced Australian soil. Eight teams from four continents consisting entirely of amateurs played their cricket in good spirits with smiles on their faces and the commitment and the desire you would expect from men who have given their time, many at a personal cost, to represent their nations. The cynicism that often surrounds the major nations of international cricket was absent and the ICC deserve the highest praise for creating a path for all 97 countries in the cricketing family to compete for a place at the 2011 World Cup.

In addition the umpires from the Asian and Pacific countries of Indonesia, Singapore, Papua New Guinea, Australia and Japan did a splendid job without technical aids. Not one player was reported for dissent during the whole 20 matches and the Spirit of Cricket was enthusiastically embraced by all the teams.

In other news filtering through to the shed, two Ugandan players, teenagers Patrick Ochan and Jimmy Okello, have been reported missing in Darwin after failing to board the plane with their team-mates on their long and disjointed journey back to Kampala. Few are concerned for their safety with it likely that the lads enjoyed Darwin’s legendary hospitality to its fullest and have decided to continue their celebrations. Who could blame them. The mangoes are ripe, the tropical Arafura Sea is warm and the women friendly and beautiful. 

The pessimists are always keen to denigrate the future prospects of international cricket. These myopic mental midgets fail to understand what cricket is really about. It isn’t about corporate boxes or match receipts or politics. It is a game. A glorious and ancient game based on fraternity, competition and equality. This week in tropical Darwin the Thunder Downunder witnessed the future of this grandest of games. Vibrant, egalitarian, sporting and global.

[Nesta Quin]

Shane Warne in baldy advert trouble

Follicularly-challenged spin legend Shane Warne has done it again - no not that, or even that - this time he's managed to land himself in the soup with the British Advertising Standards Authority.

The ASA has banned his latest advert for the Advanced Hair Studio, in which Warne is quoted as saying "I've been hearing it for years, but to me I've always taken it as 'warning'. And that warning is - if I didn't do something about my fine and thin hair they could well be chanting 'Baldy!'" What, instead of 'Warney where's your wife?'  He  continues, "So see Advanced Hair Studio ... and your hair will be looking better than ever. Don't wait until it's too late, get your free advanced hair check! and heed the Warne-ing today!" 

Personally, I think it should have been banned for that lousy pun alone, but the ASA has stated that "Readers could infer that the AHS-FP had resulted in the slowing down or stopping of hair loss and/or the re-growth of Warne's hair.  The ad should do no more than suggest that the advertised treatment had a cosmetic effect." 

Of course, most people would know this as Shane Warne is blatantly still bald, despite wearing that sandwich toaster on his napper.  [Lee C]

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Hello!  It's your favourite hirsute heranguer of wannabe executive imbeciles here once more to give you the lowdown on what is good and not so good in cricket this week. 

HIRED!
The Googly - These fellas around here broke the news of Percy Sonn's death before SkySports, and waxed about the potential of Joe Denly a full week before the BBC did.  You know where to come for your cricket stuff now.

Ryan Sidebottom - I'm hiring him again after his ballsy showing in this week's task

Alistair Cook - I like this boy, he is a doer not a talker and is reaping the modest rewards.  I myself am a talker and a doer, hence I have a Bentley

FIRED!
Craig McDermott - Not only have you shamed your wife, worse than that you LOST HER BLOODY MONEY!

Kapil Dev - I like straight-talking, but even I found this a bit much.

Vic Marks - I like listening to TMS in my Bentley, what I don't like is a public schoolboy wittering on then doing that stupid bloody nasal laugh at his own jokes, that aren't bloody funny anyway!

The Locks of Sidebottom

It's official. Ryan Sidebottom is a Pre-Raphaelite artist's model! Those cultured types at Test Match Special have confirmed that RS has the hair that DG Rossetti, Burne-Jones and others spent their lives searching for. Personally I find it hard to imagine the new England bowling sensation, lying prone in a barge, festooned with flowers, floating gently down to Camelot, but then I don't work for the BBC.

As a Yorkshireman, although now playing for Nottinghamshire, I would take a wild stab in the dark, and guess that Ryan's role model is more Fred Trueman than Lizzie Siddal - but you wear the locks, you take the knocks!

More seriously, it must be exciting for the team - it's a thrill for the fans - that we seem to have found a more than half-decent bowler. Obviously Sidebottom has not been put to the greatest of tests against the woeful West Indies side that showed up at Headingley, but the joy for us who only sit and watch, is how consistently he delivered line and length.

In 2001 he had an  unremarkable debut for England (replacing an injured Matthew Hoggard) against Pakistan. He did not bowl badly, but wicketless, seemed out of his depth. He hung around for a few One-Dayers, but then dropped, it seemed he would be forgotten. 6 years on and another injury to Hoggard has brought him back into the side, and with 8 for 86 this week, I think he'll get another chance to prove his mettle.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch, No.2: Emiliano Zapata

Graham Gooch led a revolution of sorts. 

In batting he was one of the first men to use an incredibly heavy bat, he also stuck his arse out further than anyone in history during his backlift. 

Zapata, by contrast, led an actual, proper revolution in Mexico in which he led the Liberation Army of the South - not to be confused with Essex CCC.

Remember we want your help in our quest to find Men Who Look Like Graham Gooch.  Leave your entries in the comments, or if it is someone you know, or even someone you covertly snapped on the street, send details and a picture to this email address.

Is this what Beefy is really getting his Knighthood for?

If the rumours about Ian Botham are true, then we can only speculate if this has something to do with his award.  After all, there is nothing like two boys-own, self-appointed jack-the-lads making a fortune for British produce to swing the deciding panel in these matters. There's something about him raising £10m for charity as well apparently; but believe me it is really hard to find entertaining footage of some bloke walking, even if it is for a good cause.

Men who look like Graham Gooch - the quest begins!

The Googly is on a quest to find men from all over the world who look like Graham Gooch.  The reason?  We don't have one, it simply seems like something to do that might amuse us for a while, and that is good enough for us. And we need your help, so please send in your nominations.

It can be anybody: someone famous; yourself; your dad; a mate; your uncle; or if you are really unlucky, your wife.  Be sure to send in a picture if it isn't someone famous so that you and they can see themselves plastered over a cricket blog for our amusement.  Send in your nominations to this email address. 

Follow the cut to see this week's Man Who Looks Like Graham Gooch!

It's Magnum PI star and former love interest of the dark haired one in Friends, Tom Selleck.  This you can do better? Get emailing, or leave a nomination in the comments.

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo!  Your favourite new-eyed and repressively morose TV personality and master business beard Sir Alan here once again.  I've spent most of this week looking at my collection of cars and thinking of new yiddish words to use on the telly, but that doesn't mean I haven't had time to size up the cricket.  Here goes...

HIRED!
Adil Rashid - Like me as a young man, this lad is talented and has determination.  Unlike me, he will be a cricketer of note rather than a humourless purveyor of comedy-level bad electronic products

Bangladesh - Unlike whoever wins The Apprentice, these young lads are actually ones to keep an eye on for the future

Darren Gough - I don't like bullshitters, and I don't like timewasters, in fact there's very little I do like,  But I do like the Dazzler.

FIRED!
West Indies Cricket Board - As sure as I've got an 'ole in my arse, one game's preparation for a test series is nowhere near enough

Steve Harmison - You owe us sunbeam, so I'd advise you to shut it!

Virender Sehwag - You've been failing task after task recently sonny, and I won't stand for it.

10 Cricketers who look like they should be rubbish, but definitely are not

1.  Marcus Trescothick
Moves like a rusting tin man with his feet soldered to the floor.  England only realised just how good he is once he was gone.

2.  Ian Austin
Ozzy had the gait and pace of Oliver Hardy, shuffled into the wicket as if he was carrying a donkey on his shoulders, and batted uglier than Shane MacGowan's face.  But he had the best yorker in English cricket, and England saw him as the answer to their end of innings troubles at the 1999 World Cup.  He wasn't, but his career is still one of which to be proud.

3. Terry Alderman
Trundling in to his pedestrian side-on action, landing what looked to all intents and purposes like bog standard away-swingers; Alderman somehow managed to reduce Graham Gooch to such a wreck in 1989 that he requested himself be dropped from the England side. Finished his career with an average of 27.

4. Bill Athey
Ears like a caricature drawing of a Prince Charles and strange stance hid a decent batsman who managed to earn 23 test caps over 8 years.

5. Peter Such
A flurry of limbs off a run up that would put Michael Holding to shame, Such was one of the original non-spinning spinners, and he looked perpetually 36 years old.  He followed every ball he released with a little hop and an "ooooh", as if was this close to getting the batsman out, even when they clobbered him to the boundary.  Nevertheless, he took 6-67 against the Aussies, something very few can lay claim to.

6.  Jack Russell
Before he dedicated his time to painting and becoming a slightly chubby version of himself, Russell was one of the best wicketkeepers in the world and one of the strangest looking batsmen as well.  Setting his block, he looked quite normal, then his backlift would kick in and he would resemble an electrified action figure: knees flexing, bat handle up under his chin, head bobbing up and down.  Still managed a test high score of 128 not out, and his incredible unbeaten 29 in 277 minutes against South Africa in 1995-96 should be the stuff of legend.

7. Clive Lloyd
A giant of a man with librarian glasses and the mobility and speed of speech a la Benny from Crossroads, Lloyd was nevertheless a colossus at the crease and as a Captain.  The team he had helped mind...

8. Steve Waugh
A more dour batsman you could not wish to see; Waugh had no flash strokes to his game, it was almost as if brother Mark got all the flamboyant genes.  Yet he somehow became a batting legend with a career average of 51.06, and also picked up 92 wickets with his most military of medium pacers.

9. John Emburey
Emburey, with his simple bowling action and inert batting technique, looked like a sunday second team club cricketer.  However, his first-class career lasted 24 years and he was recalled for England many times, including once at the expense of Peter Such in the 1990s, and he even managed a test batting average of 22.53.  Will forever be tarnished as the only player to go on both rebel tours to South Africa.

10. Geoffrey Boycott
Sir Geoff, as he will never be, is a batsman of legendary figures: 8114 runs at 47.72 ; his even more legendary billigerence meant he missed 30 tests in his prime so who knows what his final career figures could have been.  His compact, almost stodgy technique gave no clue as to his ablity and his astonishing accumulation of runs is to this day still something of a surprise.

Borat plays cricket

Here's a video of Borat doing his best impression of Geraint Jones' front foot play.  It is only when you see something like this that you realise just how truly unnatural batting technique is..

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Corporate cardboard cut-out and all round geezer Alan Sugar here.  I've not been worrying about the empty void inside me so much this week, so I've had more time to watch the cricket, and have made my selection.

HIRED!
Marcus Trescothick - even though he can be a bit mentalist at times, you can't argue with 284 runs

Tim Ambrose - unlike the person who wins The Apprentice, the wicketkeeper is key to an organisation, and this boy's got it all, including 404 runs in three matches

Steve Harmison - despite failing the Winter task miserably, he's shown a bit of character in the spring

FIRED!
The ECB - Not a single bit of cricket being played on a Bank Holiday in London!  You lot must be nutters!

Dominic Cork - If I had a bowling average of 54.72 for the season, I'd keep my cake-hole shut if I was you son

Rain - I hate nature, in fact I hate anything I can't control - and Lancashire are already suffering because of it!

French Cricket!

Here's a lovely cartoon attempting to explain to the French how you can get out in cricket.  Thanks to The Corridor for bringing this to our attention.  I'm loving that hit-wicket is "autodestruction", the same term used to describe The Who smashing all their gear to pieces in the 1960s.

More Cricket Lexicon

It's that time of the week again when we dip our grubby fingers into the still waters of the cricketing idiom and pluck from therein a mighty catch of words for our eyes to feast upon.  Or to put it another way, here's more stuff from the Lexicon we are writing.  Remember to put your submissions in the comments.

Malcolmspeed (n) - A self-induced imaginary world where everything is beautiful, works perfectly and there is no conflict. Usage - "Apple Computer's enthusiasts tell us that they live in a malcolmspeed, but I get as many glitches with those machines as with PCs".

Sarwan (v.t) - To replace a much loved and talented performer with a much inferior version. Usage - "When the producers sarwanned George Lazenby into the James Bond role, it was clear that Sean Connery was key to the franchise's success."

Hogg (n): an unexpected and unwanted incident leading to misfortune. Usage: "I was going along nicely in the race and then a hogg kicked up and hit me in the face and I lost all momentum." Tom Boonen after receiving a loose pebble on the helmet

Ramprakash (v. i.) - to show much promise at various stages, only to ultimately disappoint.  Usage: "After 2 hours of buying her triple vodkas she finally agreed to come back to my place; we were then game on in the bedroom, only for her to ramprakash it by falling asleep whilst I was finding a condom." Mick Hucknall, 1998

Hick (v) - to perform brilliantly in low profile encounters, but fail miserably at the highest level.  "And by missing that pink, Jimmy White has hicked his chances of the World Championship again." Clive Everton, 1992

A unique view on Fredalo

Many an opinion was offered at the time of Andrew Flintoff's now infamous episode with the pedalo, but it took until this week for me to read one that offered a new perspective.  This is a letter to Viz, which for those unaware of it is Britain's premiere adult comic that also happens to write some of the best tabloid satire you are ever likely to read.

"Terrible" is how the former England vice-captain Andrew Flintoff described not being allowed to play a game in the recent Cricket World Cup.  However, I would point out to Mr Flintoff that for most people a "terrible" experience is something far worse than being plucked, pissed-up and laughing, from a pedalo in the West Indies at 4am on a works outing and then, as punishment, being excused from the "works" part of the outing.

The Young Ones play cricket

One of the finest cricket games ever televised as The Young Ones try their hand at the greatest game of all - "It would have been six if you killed him Michael, let's call it two". 

Young Ones Cricket
Uploaded by stevanhogg

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

As most of you know, I can't stand it when people lose my money; so I spend a lot of my spare time looking down the side of my wife's chair to check for fivers, and watching CCTV footage of my Polish cleaners to check they're not hoovering up any loose change.  But, when I'm not doing that I keep an eye on the cricket, so I can tell you who needs to be given the spanish archer; El Bow!

HIRED!
James Benning - this boy's got aggression, I like that

Paul Nixon - the streetfighter gets his just rewards, like me with my Bentley

Kent - beating the current best in the business by an innings is a top achievement.  Of course if I'd have been Sussex I would have won, because I never lose. Fact.

FIRED!
England/Durham - Why aren't these dumkopfts playing Harmison in the University match?

Kevin Shine - an equation for you Kev: You + no swing from any bowlers + new coach = sack

Geraint Jones - 49 or not son, you are a goner

Performance of the Day - A welcome Malcolm Speed Press Conference

The Googly will scan the world of cricket each evening to bring you the Performance of the Day, perhaps from a batter or a bowler, maybe a commentator or even a writer, but today's accolade goes to an inanimate object which exacts revenge on another inanimate object (Getty Images, right).  How we all cheered!

[The Tooting Trumpet]

Duckworth and Lewis

Ever wondered about the secret life of Duckworth and Lewis (see right with their post-Ashes MBEs)? The Googly is indebted to Zephirine for her transcript of the boffins' breakfast the day after the twilight before and to MouthoftheMersey (whoever he is) for the video evidence. 

[The Tooting Trumpet]

The 12th Man and the Ashes 2006

The amazingly funny 12th Man dubbed over actual footage from the Ashes.  Ball-bouncingly funny.

More from the Cricket Lexicon

Whilst Australia prepare to write another chapter in their book of world domination, The Googly prefers to delve into the pages of the Cricket Lexicon.

Following last week's offering, we have five more words to expand your vocabulary:

Lara (v.i) – To preside of the end of an empire. Usage – “Claudius was a Republican really. He tried to lara as best he could, but ended up with Nero as a successor”.

Pollock (v.i) – To lose the ability to intimidate. Usage – “The school brought in so many temporary teachers and the kids’ behaviour deteriorated. The teaching staff as a whole were pollocked, but a new Head soon restored discipline”.

Fletcherism (n) – The desire to hold on to old things that no longer work. Usage – “Trinny and Susannah have built a TV career on helping people overcome their Wardrobe Fletcherism”.

Doctrove (n): a large and exciting looking piece of travel luggage, often covered with old labels from the P & O line, sadly always containing disappointing rubbish. Usage: "I inherited a doctrove when my great-grannie died, but all it contained were empty gin bottles". William Windsor.

Tendulkar (v) - to perform a revisionist history of a sacred cow.  "In his latest critique, know-all journalist Stuart Maconie has brutally tendulkared Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

[The Tooting Trumpet, Mimtig and Lee Calvert]

Australians getting badly hurt

We are all heartily sick of watching Australians win in this Cricket World Cup, so let's have a look at them getting seriously hurt instead.  Lovely.  [lee calvert]

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo, it's Sir Alan Sugar here, everybody's favourite smug TV bully and purveyor of low-end electronics.  I've once again been having a look at the cricket, in between driving round and round London in my Bentley and planning my next plastic surgery. 

HIRED!
Lasith Maliga - He's a dead ringer for my favourite ever dwarf, Herve Villachaize, and he can bowl a bit too

Mahele Jayawardene - He's a doer, not a talker . I like that in an employee

Glenn McGrath - You can't beat experience, like my Margaret and Nick, he's a gem.

FIRED!
The Cricket World Cup - If you are going to have a shit end product (and believe me I know a lot about them), then you can't have the cheek to make the process of getting there last 8 weeks!

Ashwell Prince - What was that shot all about son?

David Morgan - no decision should be made that quickly pal, unless it's me firing someone.

"Wide Ones" t-shirt from Crease Clothing

Cricket offers many good pieces of advice for us: "if you're gonna flash, flash hard"  and "don't let Gatting near the buffet first" being two classic examples.

Another great one is immortalised on this t-shirt from Crease Clothing, available at the cracking price of £19.99. 

As Richie Benaud would say, "Super catch that!" [lee calvert]

Cricket look-a-likes: David Morgan

One of these people is a frog-like being with a silly voice and an obsequeous sidekick.  His plans often go awry due to bad planning and the manifest idiocy within his organisation. 

The other one is Baron Greenback from Danger Mouse.

[lee calvert]

Cricket Lexicon: yet more from the greatest book never written

It's that time again, when we open the virtual pages of the forever expanding Cricket Lexicon.

Following last week's dip, we've more from this most learned of tomes. As ever, we realise there are many mildly amusing cricket words out there that you, dear readers, have to share, so don't be shy add them in the comments!

Follow the link to read this week's five..

Leverock (v. t) - a feat of athleticism far removed from one's physical appearance.  Usage.  "Graham Price has leverocked the French defence to score a wonderful try" Bill McClaren, 1975

Hayden (v. n.) - to perform fantastically after being written off totally.  Usage: "And with his performance in Pulp Fiction, John Travolta has pulled an absolute Hayden"  Barry Norman, Film '92

Collingwood (n): a safe and secure receptacle into which one can place valuable objects. Usage "I can't believe the thieves took my Sports Personality of Year awards - they were locked in the collingwood" Sir Steve Redgrave 2007

Martyn (n) - A beautiful creature that visited gardens from time to time, but now appears to have gone for good. Usage - "On summer evenings, we would turn the lights out and, if we were quiet and really lucky, the martyn would come out to forage and play - it was such a lovely sight".

Langer (n) - As Martyn above, except that it's an ugly brute that shits all over your lawn and still visits regularly. Usage - "Excuse me. I have a Langer that is ruining my garden - do you have anything that will get rid of it?".

Hired or Fired! with Sir Alan Sugar

Hello!  Inexplicably morose beardy businessman Sir Alan Sugar here.  Now, my spies tell me that there have been some people not pulling their weight as they sit at their keyboards to read my vitriol. Well I won't stand for it, so straighten your backs and pay attention!  Here's this weeks bloody shower:

Hired!

Boyd Rankin - As I say on The Apprentice, I like my staff to be tall and Irish, at least I would if that is what was in the script they give me, but it aint.  Either way, this lad's had a corker.

Paul Nixon - I like a person with a bit of the streetfighter about them, like Margaret, my sidekick.   She'd take any one of you lot down.

Geoff Boycott - I'm not keen on northerners, but this fella talks a lot of sense about the cricket.  I could use him to tell my design team what is wrong with everything they have ever come up with - starting with that bloody infra-red massager!

Fired!

Michael Vaughan - I don't like bullshitters

Duncan Fletcher - in real life as well, probably

Tom Moody - you don't send for an electrician when your bath is pissing water through your ceiling and you don't send for Bandara when you need to beat Australia.

You can also read even more about me over at TV Scoop.

The ICC, again.

Imagine, if you will for a moment, if the ICC were allowed to take their ludicrous actions around protecting sponsors to their most illogical conclusion..

A new concept has been introduced to fans following this year's ICC World Cup, but don't worry if you've missed out this year. This is just the trial period and all will be fully in place in 4 year's time. We've had control of the crowds in the West Indies this year. Next time out, the ICC will have full control of the fans at home.

As we speak, they are recruiting squads of inspectors, who will be provided with undercover detector vans. They will drive around the UK seeking out fans who are watching, listening to or following on computers the official ICC sanctioned matches.

If you are not a fully paid-up member of ICC Friends International, you will be punished. If you are not wearing ICC branded clothing, you will be punished. And heaven forfend, if in the supposed security of your own home, you are consuming food and drink not authorised by the ICC, you will be punished.

As I write, I have not yet been informed of the detail of punishment, but rest assured fans all over the world, it will be unpleasant; and whoever you are, wherever you are, the ICC inspectors will find you! [mimitig]

Cricket Lexicon: more from the greatest book never written

It's that time again, when we post five more entries from the forever expanding Cricket Lexicon.

Following last week's entries, the creative juices have been flowing here to formulate more informal yet informative entries for this great work.  But we realise there are many mildly amusing cricket words out there that you, dear readers, have to share. Don't be shy add them to the comments!

Follow the link to read this week's five..

Trescothick (n) – A fast car now at the wreckers as a result of breaking down too frequently. Usage – “What about that Alfa Romeo Convertible you used to have?” “Oh, that? It was a joy, but first the spark plugs went, then the fuel injection and finally the exhaust – it became a complete Trescothick”.

Koertzen (v.t) – To painstakingly examine all the evidence over an extended period and still arrive at the wrong conclusion. Usage – “The UK government really koertzened that report about Saddam’s WMD”.

Kallis (adj): selfish, having no concern for others, seeking greedily to steal the best bits. Usage: nicking the last bit of pudding was a very kallis thing to do

Ramprakash (v. i.) - to show much promise at various stages, only to ultimately disappoint.  Usage: "After 2 hours of buying her triple vodkas she finally agreed to come back to my place; we were then game on in the bedroom, only for her to ramprakash it by falling asleep whilst I was finding a condom." Mick Hucknall, 1998

Willis (v. n.) - an incredibly boring speaker, far removed from the person's formerly exciting physical performances. Usage: "Despite all that horny stuff with the snake in From Dusk Til Dawn, in real life that Salma Hayek is a total willis"

Ian Botham: summed up by David Brent

One of the most dislikeable characters in TV history tells it like it is about one of the most dislikeable cricketers.  He did a lot of work for charity though... [lee calvert]

Flintoff bowled by a small child

Here's a lovely picture of Freddie being clean bowled by a child.  Judging by his stationary feet and confused look, the kid must have been a spinner.

[lee calvert]

Hired or Fired, with Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Electronics and TV bajillionaire Sir Alan Sugar here again, to let all you Googly readers know who has and hasn't stepped up the the mark again this week.  As I tell the people on my show, The Apprentice, "never underestimate me, as I have a vast team of people who I pay to tell me things, and then make it look like I found it out myself".  Or something like that.

HIRED!

Bangladesh - these boys came from humble beginnings like me, also like me they are now inexplicably doing well in the public eye.

Ravi Bopara - a diamond among a great pile of shit, he's also from humble beginnings, like me.

AB de Villiers - I like a man who fights for what he wants, like me with my numerous government contracts, and this fella showed real character

FIRED!

The ICC - if I'd run my businesses like this lot then I'd still be selling fruit, instead of millions of awful gadgets of questionable build quality

Umpires - as sure as I've got a hole in my arse that was a fair catch from KP

Sky TV's theme tune - Life is a long way from being a bloody carnival when I hear this tune.

Building the Cricket Lexicon

Everyone knows that Wisden is Cricket's Bible, but does cricket have an authoritative Lexicon? Inspired by the Guardian's peerless (and during the Cricket World Cup, endless) Over-by-Over coverage, The Googly will aim to build the Cricket Lexicon - all contributions are welcome.

We will post new entries on a weekly basis, and over time build up the authoritative resource for irreverent cricket language.  Starting today.

Glennda - a minor mishap with devastating consequences. Usage - "A punctured front tyre usually leads to poor handling and a trip to the garage, but at motorway speeds, it can be a Glennda, so it's best to check your tyres before a long journey."

Vettori (v.i) - to seek favour with women by affecting spectacles, being a bit vague and possibly stuttering a little. Usage - "That Hugh Grant was a nobody until he vettoried his way through Four Weddings and a Funeral."

ICC (v.t) - to spend years preparing for an event only for it to flop horribly. Usage - "He really ICCed that wedding when he started that affair, even if she did forgive him."

Colville (n) - A beach party with really boring guests. Usage - "We were there out of season: the reps organised an event on the beach but it was an absolute colville."

Flintoff (v.i) - to descend slowly from a peak. Usage - "From the summit, you can ski down to the village or take the cable car, which allows you to see the sights as you gently Flintoff back to the hotel."

Nixon (n) - a noise which stops you working effectively. Usage - "I know the report has a lot of typos, but there was such a nixon going on with those roadworks outside the office."

[The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig et al]

Cricket World Cup, dressing room tapes: England, Easter Sunday evening

After an extraordinary series of events over the past few days when we have seen our moles and hobbits chased from the hotel by Duncan Fletcher and Michael Vaughan swearing that they'll "(expletive deleted) kill anyone who leaks", it is miraculous that yet again our heroes have found a way to infiltrate the England dressing-room and gain some insight into how the team is feeling.

With the threats hanging over us, we should take this opportunity to make it clear that none of our reports have been authorised in any way, and we are not in the pay of any press barons. I thank you. We just feel, as all England fans feel, that we are entitled to use whatever underhand means are at our disposal to bring you the information you need.

(much hissing and background noise - gradually the tape becomes clearer)

Michael Vaughan:  that was bad, boys, that was really bad. We're really up against it now, and if it weren't for that freak result with the Bangla boys yesterday, we'd be long gone. I don't know what to say.

Kevin: Hey, Mikey - don't get so down. I did bloody well. I got my ton (slight hissing, probably Flintoff) and f***'s sake, I caught a stonkingly great catch - bugger that it didn't count, but that was just the  umpires getting the rules wrong. You know I did good, and I know that too. I'm a bloody hero, and you can count on me. (Muffled comments only word discernible appears to be "figjam").

Paul C: and me too, I did my bit (except with the bat is heard muttered by more than a few of the lads), and bowled like a good'un. It's not my fault we lost.

Bell: and Mr Captain, Sir, you told me to get a good total, and I've done that. Please can I go back to my room now, I'm not a naughty boy this time.

MV: yeah OK, Ian and Kev, you can go. You've followed the plan, and there's nothing more I need to say to you. Colly - I need you to stay, you're my right-hand man and we've gotta try and do something before we're out, down, and totally gone.

Ravi - You did okay with the bat, but we need more from you for the team. Don't you bowl at all? If you could be a bit more like Colly, we'd have a player in you son.

Fred - The bowling I like, but what is it with those feet batting? Even when you move them, you put them in the wrong place. After all those tapes Duncan made us sit through, you still couldn't pick Hogg. I've seen the dismissal and even I was laughing. Those Press buddies of yours might not be so kind I tell you. (Muffled - gets a bit of heat off me though).

Straussy - I know you want to be like me and everything, but don't play exactly the same shot to exactly the same bowler unless I'm hitting it for four... (well I have hit fours before you know). Big chance Straussy - blew it.

Badger - Sit down. I've still got the headache now and hopefully so has Punter. Can't remember anything you did at all.

Jimmy - Just needed a bit of luck there.

Saj - I'll talk to you privately.... Where's Liam?

Monty - You look tired lad - too many nets maybe? Knowing Duncan, he'll tell you to take the season off. Joking Monty, joking... don't get upset.

God knows who made the rules up for this tournament, but my agent says we're still in it (so you can't book your flight home yet Jamie). We just need to beat... er... whoever we play in the next three games. Probably the Saffers, India and Scotland. Straussy - can you check please and find out where we're going too and for God's sake make sure the driver doesn't go to the old ground first, then insist we use the park and ride.

[The Tooting Trumpet & Mimitig]

Cricket laughs from the Sky team

This Cricket World Cup has given us about as much to laugh about as a particular bad case of haemmoroids.  So, I thought we could all do with a bit of a laugh, courtesy of the Sky boys.  Check out David "Bumble" Lloyd's moves on the young nPower girls - smooth!  [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: England vs Australia - Ponting’s Team Talk

With the ICC preoccupied with stopping five-year-olds bringing bottles of Kia-Ora into the grounds, and people watching cricket for free, it seems oblivious to the bugging of the captains’ meetings. In a new development, a tape of Ricky Ponting’s team briefing prior to the Aussies taking on England has been acquired by The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig and is transcribed below.

Ricky Ponting: Right fellas sit down. Aw look mate, put the bicep away Symo, we know you’re okay now, you don’t need to parade it, especially in the morning - and Haydos, you shouldn't be encouraging him.

Okay we're not in the semis yet and it's those Poms on Sunday, so if any of you bastards felt like coasting, just have a look at this slide on the powerpoint - (massed booing, swearing and the breaking of glass). That's right Sir Paul Collingwood MBE – or that’s what he thinks he should be after his performances in the CB series. But all that's in the past now (sotto voce "like Mr Cricket's 100 average") so it's Tough Shit Tough Guy from here.

Glenn, concentrate will you, not many more of these for you so stay with the programme.

Shane - how's the shoulder? Or is it the arm? Or leg? Whatever? Do you feel up to a two over spell, 'cos that's all I'm giving you anyway.

Brads - Which one of you two will get the nod? Well, I'm going with you Hodgey – er… hang on (sound of paper being unfolded). (Muffled - Jeez, why do they sit together?). Hoggy, Hoggy - it's you I'm going with against the Poms. We all know they can't play back of the hand stuff, even yours, and KP doesn’t even read Murali's doosra (quiet hissing) - everyone knows that's the one that starts behind his ear. Hodgey - stay loose for the dead rubbers to come.

Pup? Pup? - Where's Michael? Well come out from behind it then. Don't see why you need to bring a surfboard in here anyway. Any texts from Shane? I heard he's back with his wife...(Muffled - Okay, someone else's wife then). Symo, that's not funny - sort him out Haydos. Anyway, did Shane mention anything about that stuff he's promised me? No, not his Mother's pills - the er... hair stuff. Haydos - for Christ sake, take the tinny off him and get him to sit still.

Gilly – Can you stop looking at the phone for a moment? I know the kid’s just been born and all that, but you’ve got two others and any other bloke would give his right arm to be here instead of nappy-changing.

Right lads, for those of you playing golf or er… surfing, when England last lost, Buchanan has made up this video for us. Well don’t sigh. It’s all bullshit except this bit at the end. That’s Chavi Bopara (muffled – that’s right isn’t it?) and he played like one of us at the death vs the Lankans. Okay – he got a bit lucky, but he’s only 21 so I want you Haydos and you Symo to get in his earhole from the off - right. The rest of the Poms were rubbish, but you knew that anyway.

Bowling? Just the usual stuff will do for the Poms. Vaughan can’t bat, Bell can’t get it off the square, that Irish lad has hit the only hundred he’ll ever make, for KP bowl at the ego – can’t miss it – Flintoff’s forgotten how to bat and then it’s the tail. Just watch that Colly and the new lad.

Okay – that’s it. You can go now, except Michael. (Muffled – it’s that hair stuff. Well it worked for him and Gooch. Course I’ll pay. Just tell him to hurry up with it.)

Tape ends.
[The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig]

Cricket look-a-likes: Adam Gilchrist

Could these two be any more similar?

Adam Gilchrist is a man oozing confidence at the top of the order; the best wicketkeeper-batsman of the past 5 years; the nasal, annoying one in an all conquering, oppressive team. 

Matthew Perry played Chandler Bing; the best person to play the sarcastic, nasal, annoying one in an all conquering, oppressive sitcom.  [lee calvert]

ICC Cricket World Cup: England resort to sports psychology

Once more a tape has fallen into the hands of Mimitig and The Tooting Trumpet (see this blog for earlier breaches of team security). Experts have confirmed the identities of the voices on the transcript below.

 

Thursday April 5, Antigua

 

Michael Vaughan: Lads, lads. Let’s pick this thing up shall we? Okay you can put down your shiny new Wisdens - thanks Monty – and listen. Jamie - you can stop reading it to Liam now too.

 

It was always going to be a tough game against the Lankans – they may only be a small island off a much larger land mass, but we all know that they are good (especially you eh Straussy after the 5-0 last Summer). It’s only a few days since that fine win over (muffled - who was it Straussy?) Ireland. Come Sunday, we’ll see if I can continue my resurrection of English cricket won’t we?

Bit of a change of tack now (that's what you should have done it that pedalo Fred), because I'm handing over to one of Duncan's mates, Jeremy Snape (yes, get the Professor Snape gags over now please) who some of you may know from County Cricket (that’s you Jamie). He played some ODIs when the likes of Matthew Fleming and Mark Ealham were getting a game, but he's a Sports Psychiatrist these days

(muffled - well that's what I said...) Sorry, he's a Sports Psychologist these days and Duncan wants us to listen (muffled - Duncan wants his head testing).

 

Professor Jeremy Snape: Thanks Michael. I've prepared a powerpoint (Straussy - would you be so kind - thanks) and I've some handy cards with slogans on them for you to take away. (Muffled Flintoff - Didn't we do all this with Bumble and his Churchill stuff?)

 

Goal setting - Who can tell me what their personal goal is for the next six months? Okay Liam, I'd want to be back driving too, but I'm looking for something related to cricket. Straussy - Good, good. Back making runs for England. Ed – don’t look so glum – let’s keep the glass half full shall we? (Not you Fred).

 

Improving self-confidence - Look how confident Fred, Straussy, Michael and Colly sound here after winning the Ashes all that time ago. Well, even if it is the beer talking, it's still confidence isn't it?

 

Concentration and focus - Just have a look at Fred's focus here. Okay, it's his interview after his booze cruise, but you have to admit, that's impressive.

 

Relaxation techniques – Calm, quiet breathing is essential here. Can you hear me Paul? Do you have to wear that gum shield? Relaxing will get you into “The Zone”.

 

Mental toughness – The Aussies show this facet of the game so well. Straussy just tap “Australian Captain’s Press conference” into youtube and let’s see how they project that toughness… (muffled – not Kim Hughes… isn’t there anything of Ponting?)

 

Visualisation – Prior to executing a skill, it’s crucial to visualise the whole process from start to finish if you are to perform it to your potential. In your mind’s eye, you should see off stump cartwheeling out of the ground – not you Ed, I know that’s what happened against the Irish, but you’re a batter. As he was running in, don’t you think Fernando visualised Ravi’s stumps shattered by that last ball? I know I did.

 

Communication – All of you should aim to communicate like the best talker on the field. Okay, not like him – maybe the second best talker. Oh for heaven’s sake, surely you can hear somebody on the field other than Nixon?

 

Leadership skills – How important is leadership to the side? Well, don’t jut sit there looking at Fred, let’s hear some answers. Paul showed excellent leadership skills throughout that partnership with Ravi, until he blew it at the end.

 

Team dynamics – Everyone must know their role and their colleagues’ roles. Turn to the person next to you and tell them what your role is. (Muffled – Okay Liam, I don’t know either, but let’s try and stay positive eh?)

 

Any questions?

 

Yes Jamie - I have got a degree in this. Is it relevant which team I’m supporting in the Boat Race on Saturday? Oh, I see. Well, yes, the degree is from a proper university.

 

"The Zone" Ravi? I was talking about getting into "The Zone". It means the mental space in which a player is completely relaxed and at ease with their game. No, I didn’t mean that nightclub in Ilford.

 

Well it’s a nice enough beach I suppose when you’re in Sydney. Sorry, thought you said Bondi. Bonding is key yes, but it needn’t involve alcohol even for men. Yes, even Englishmen.

 

Okay, well think about what I’ve said tonight and read your cards. I’ll be in touch with you for one-to-one sessions over the next week. No – No – Of course I don’t do horoscopes.

 

Tape ends. [The Tooting Trumpet and Mimitig]

Cricket World Cup: the fantasy manager's view

by mimitig

There are some poor souls who are not just so obsessed by this World Cup that they follow every match in sound, pictures and words, but also have entered the dark and dangerous world of Fantasy Cricket.

Once you become a Team Manager, your view on each match changes profoundly. No longer can you just root for your own national side, but you have to cheer on your chosen team players. Quite often you won't actually like your team very much, but after spending long, lonely nights studying Cricinfo for all the stats, you're stuck with a bunch of drongos who you hope will be able to bring home the bacon for you.

Sadly, despite enlisting a so-called expert as my advisor - he's been sacked! - I find myself languishing at the bottom of both my leagues. Inexplicably (though it made sense at the time) I picked rather a lot of Pakistani and Indian cricketers for my teams in the first stages. How bad was that? Unfortunately the trading rules are such that in one of my teams I still have Shahid Afridi! Yet before this tournament started, almost anyone, especially female, would have rated that a good pick.

Reality has, as is its wont, crept in, and we're now in the Super 8 - where quite honestly, the whole scoring issue seems to get more complicated. My guys have played quite a lot this week, and I thought they'd all done nicely, but no! I am still lying in the gutter, crying for the stars.

So, what to do next? I have to get through this part of the show somehow, and none of my dark horses are showing any sign of form. All my big names are in everyone else's teams so any points I win are matched by every other bugger! Maybe some of the Australian managers will get so over-excited by their own guys that they'll miss the cut-off date for the next trading period. I think this is my only hope of moving out of the relegation zone.

Lasith Malinga: hair apparent

There has been a steady and regretful decline in the number of players with very big hair in recent years.  So it is refreshing to see current hero Lasith Malinga carrying the baton that Bob Willis dropped and sporting the kind of barnet that could unbalance a tortoise. 

Only one other Cricket World Cup player may qualify in the big hair stakes, namely Andrew "Predator" Symonds, however his hair is in dreadlocks which are a different follicular matter entirely.

Let us know your favourite giant-haired players. [lee calvert]

Cricket World Cup: Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict

"Hello, I'm millionnaire businessman Sir Alan Sugar* off The Apprentice.  In between meetings and eye operations I like to take my mind off the vast emptyness in my soul by watching cricket. I've had a look at this bloody shower on the screens in the Cricket World Cup and decided who is "Hired!" or "Fired!" after their performances.  Of course, those hired wont actually be given a job with me, as you know I am very selective about who I allow to sell my second-rate electronic tat."

*not really

Matthew Hayden: "This boy's done well, like me when I went from being a barrow boy to one of the greatest purveyors of rank-awful computers in Europe.  But I don't like his gum chewing on the job, that will have to stop"
Verdict: HIRED!

Muttiah Murilitharan: "I can't work out if this bloke is not just some kind of nutter, but he's bowled a few decent balls.  I doubt he could sell questionable quality Infra-Red massagers to a gullible and stupid public like me, but credit where it is due"
Verdict: HIRED!

Michael Hussey: "Apparently this bloke is known as Mr. Cricket, but from what I've seen this week he should be called Mr. Shit At Cricket.  I'm not interested in his previous record, he's failed miserably at this week's task and I'm not getting answers as to what went wrong!"
Verdict: FIRED!

Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff: "I don't like bullshitters and I don't like people with nicknames, in fact there is very little I do like, but that's beside the point, as this idiot has crossed the line.  If he was working for me he'd be out faster than he fell off that bloody pedalo!"
Verdict: FIRED!

India: "I have a great relationship with India, they allow me to live in the lap of luxury and lord it over people on my own TV show whilst I pay their working population less than I spend on dog food, but their cricket team is out of order.  I think I'll have to have them all in the board room for a mass firing as I haven't got the time to do them individually"
Verdict: Collectively FIRED!

Dwayne Leverock:  "I like this boy, I don't set my stall on whether someone is fat or not, more what they can do and his diving catch the other night was a purler.  Very much like the purler I pulled off by getting the government to promote by e-Mailer Phone, despite it being a total bag of shit"
Verdict: HIRED!

Join me every week on The Googly throughout the season to see who is to be hired and fired .

Cricket Look-a-likes: Daniel Vettori

Louis Theroux spends most of his time hanging around weirdos and nutjobs. Daniel Vettori is an international cricketer. 

They both however look like they should be on BBC2 at 3am doing an Open University maths lecture, or hanging around on train platforms writing down engine numbers.  [lee calvert]

Now Steve Harmison pipes up about Fredalo

Steve Harmison has thrown his twopenneth into the debate raging over Andrew Fintoff.  In an interview with the Guardian Harmison stated that, "They had to do something, but I thought maybe [sacking him from the vice-captaincy] is going a little too far."

Harmison, it must be remembered is the man who decided not to bother coming to the World Cup, and as a direct result our seam attack has about as much penetration as spear with a sponge head, so I think it's a little rich for him to be dictating team policy from the comfort of his armchair. [lee calvert]

Rachael Flintoff pipes up about Fredalogate

In a quite blatant, "I'm not angry with Andrew so neither should you lot be" interview in today's UK Daily Mirror, Rachael Flintoff has come out with the startling revelation that her husband is a "stupid bugger" following his late night Fredalo antics last Friday.

The rest of the interview is taken up with lots of talk of how he is a wonderful father, that it is difficult for him being a highly paid sports star and that Rachael has some skimpy bikinis for him to gawp at when she joins him the Caribbean.   No doubt Fred will be pleased that his PR professional loving wife has spoken up in such a way.

The Daily Mirror used to be a serious newspaper believe it or not.  [lee calvert]

Sunil Gavaskar is not happy

Gavaskar was famous for his strops, he once managed to sulk for an entire innings at a one-day game in 1975 and simply refused to play properly.  Here is some footage of him having a complete tammy-huff in 1981 after a questionable lbw decision.  He even gets the batsman at the other end involved, poor bloke..

[lee calvert]

Look-a-likes: David Gower

One of these men is a comedian who entertained us all throughout a long career with his hapless persona, comical face and maladroit on-screen presence. 

The other man is Marty Feldman.

[lee calvert]

"The 12th Man" on myspace

Billy Birmingham is now on myspace! Many of you reading this will no doubt know about the Australian cricket satire "The 12th Man" already, but for those of you that don't I recommend you get yourself over there and have a listen to Billy's particular brand of comedy.

Marvel at Bill Lawry's pigeons, Tony Greig's love of the "thuck edge, hord & forst", and Richie Benaud's way of saying "tchew for twenty-tchew".  [lee calvert]

Trueman's Ghost: gas leaks

Nah then!  Fred here, in from the ether to give my thoughts on what's going off out there in the cricket world of the living. It seems this week that there's been a bit of argy-bargy in some hotel with the players having to leave because of a gas leak.

This reminds of the time that I had one of my many run-ins with authority on a tour of Australia in the 1960s.  After the first test Jim Laker said he could smell something funny in his room, at which point the tour manager went bloody bananas and ordered everybody out the hotel fearing a gas leak of some kind, but when no gas leak could be found he automatically assumed that it was my pipe that had caused the smell!  I told him it can't have been as I didn't start smoking a pipe until 1974, but as usual they wouldn't have it off me and I was fined half my bloody tour fee and made to write 100 lines.  I later discovered that the smell was caused by Boycott's filthy clothes that were stinking because he didn't have his mother there to wash them for him.

I'll sithee! 

YouTube: Bumble's crushed bollocks

David "Bumble" Lloyd proves he's a much better raconteur than coach with this brilliant recent recollection of the 95mph knacker-rattler he took off Jeff Thompson in 1974. 

Trueman's Ghost: The World Cup

Nah then!  Frederick Sewards Trueman here, the finest fast bowler that no longer draws breath.  Next week sees the start of the World Cup in the West Indies and the young 'uns here at The Googly have brought me in from the ether to tell you what I make of all the teams in with a shout.

England: My own true love, they are however not very good and haven't been since Ray Illingworth was captain.  They've also lost that daft Steve Harmison because he's retired, at 29! But he wasn't any bloody good anyway, then again there have only been two proper bowlers in history, me and Ray Lindwall.

Australia:  Apparently they've got some bugger playing for them called Mr Cricket, in my day that would not have been allowed as it would be disrespectful to the game, Boycott once tried to call himself that, but I preferred Mr Tight-Arse.  Anyway, this lot are no good either, and that Glenn McGrath is not half the bowler my old mate Brian Statham was.

South Africa: While I'm on the the subject of Brian Statham, he was better than Allan Donald as well, I know he's retired, at a proper age mind you, but the point still stands.  I never played these that much in my day so I have no frame of reference to know that they are all rubbish but they probably are.

Pakistan: A cherub told me the other day that Shoaib Akhtar has been done for taking drugs.  There were no drugs in my day, just tobacco and alcohol - I took 307 test wickets without drugs whilst wearing a long sleeved shirt and fighting authority.  This lot are no good either.

India: Bishen Bedi could bowl, but not as well as me, even though I didn't bowl spinners my greatness spanned bowling styles.  Tendulkar is alright for a tubby lad as well, but generally they are no good.

New Zealand: Sir Richard Hadlee could bowl, Shane Bond can't.  Have there been any decent teams since I retired?  If there has then this isn't it.

Sri Lanka: This shower are no good.  I'm tired now, and the news is on.

I'll sithee!

Reader questions:

Dear Fred,
My wife and I are going through a terrible time at the minute, she wants a 32" telly and I want a 42" one.  I love her but don't know what to do, can you help? 

John Polyfilla, Wednesbury.

John, Relationships are hard. Not as hard as taking 307 test wickets at an average of 21 a piece though.  My first wife Enid was a model, a real corker.  Fred

Look-a-likes: Michael Vaughan

Michael Vaughan will hope that he can put on a sterling performance in the World Cup in spite of his terrible knee-knack as he has much to prove to his one-day critics.   His ringer, Matt Bellamy of the band Muse, also has much to prove following their last album which seemed to be some vile hybrid of Josh Wink, Frank Zappa and Queen.

[lee calvert]

Trueman's Ghost

Nah then!  Fred Trueman here, the finest fast bowler who no longer draws breath.  I've come from beyond the grave to give my views on what's going off out there in the cricketing world, answer your questions and let you know of the goings on here in the real Lord's ground.

Being in heaven is not so bad, although the other day I did have to have a word with God about his latest selections for the Angels XI. He'd decided to put in 3 harp players and not a single short guardian to prevent the sneaking of quick sins whilst the cherubs were in the ether.  He didn't bloody listen though and we took a right pasting off Vishnu's lot!  Alas, it seems my problems with the powers that be have followed me into th'afterlife.

I'll return next week for my World Cup preview of a Thursday, get your questions in the comments and I'll answer them in fine fashion!

I'll sithee.

Madman builds bat car

A man in Hyderabad, India has built a 25 feet long by 4 feet wide cricket bat car to wish the Indian team well in next month's World Cup.  K Sudhakar, the car's obviously bonkers creator said rather unnecessarily, "I have designed and built a cricket bat shaped car and it is about 25 feet in length and it can travel at 60 kph."  No doubt messrs Ganguly, Dravid and co will take time out from their latest blazing argument net session to marvel at the work of this quite deranged, yet obviously boring man.

Mr Sudhakar refused to comment on whether or not Mal Loye may need a bat this wide to stop him edging.

Parmesan Tony

I'm on a campaign. Monty Panesar is to be known as Parmesan Tony. Read why.

"Too many ODIs" - Elton John

Rocket man has spoken:

''I liked one-day internationals when they started them but there are too many of them now,'' he insists. ''They wear out the players and cricketers are playing too many games.'' ''Tests are far more interesting, they are more of a chess game. Test match cricket is far more worthwhile and relaxing.

''I do think you see the best cricket is Test and I like the fact that you can play for five days and no-one wins."

Hoggy and his column

Most cricketers have a column these days. You need your county/state/franchise cap and the ability to construct a sentence, and the papers crawl after you. Okay, that's all a load of rubbish but it does seem that most sportsmen appear in a newspaper or website. And, through no fault of their own, most are less than enlightening. Andrew Strauss writes well - but no one can hold a candle to Matthew Hoggard.

In fact, the very same pair have been jostling for column inches in the past week. I wrote recently (where? I can't find it!) that Strauss had been praising Hoggard, quite without sycophancy. And Hoggard responded in kind today at The Times:

I want to finish by thanking my team-mate Andrew Strauss, who wrote a complimentary article about me in his newspaper column at the weekend. It was apparently to recognise the fact that I need three wickets to reach 200 Test wickets, but I reckon it was an attempt to reduce the amount of stick he gets in the dressing-room.

Anyway, I’ve told him that I might return the favour some time. Not just yet, though — he’ll have to earn it. Perhaps when he reaches a landmark of his own, such as 5,000 Test runs. So keep on batting, Straussy, your time will come.

He's fast becoming the best writer in the England team. Funny, sharp, clever and always interesting, his column is a must-read. And today's was no exception.

The evening was only slightly spoilt when some people got up and started dancing while Elton was still singing, obscuring the view for the rest of us. One of them was Stephen Gateley, who used to be in the pop group Boyzone (so I’m told). I had to get up, tap him on the shoulder and say: “Excuse me, we’ve come here to watch Elton singing, not you dancing. Would you kindly sit down?”

Honestly, anyone would have thought it was just a cabaret act on, not one of the country’s greatest performers. I think I made my feelings clear.

Classic Hoggie!

FOUR! KP bags Jessica Taylor

Kevin Pietersen is making impressive progress, not only as a batsman but in picking up the fit and famous in London's celeb bars and club, and Googly's eagle-eyed tabloid lurker spotted him hand-in-hand with the Liberty X stunner Jessica Taylor at the weekend. Four!

That's the first time I've ever written in that tabloid style and promise it'll be the last. She's a bit nice, though...

Flintoff to duet with Elton John

Will wonders never cease? Andrew Flintoff is to appear with Elton John for a charity bash. Yep. You haven't misread it. And by "appear," I actually meant sing a duet. It's all a little mindboggling - but Flintoff is actually a big fan of the big poof, and listened to Rocket Man throughout the Ashes. In fact I think he even cited it as a contributor to his and/or the team's success!

Bit of a laugh, and it's all for a great cause. If nothing else it demonstrates just how huge his profile now is. It's massive, in fact.

All this begs the question...what will they sing?

Those men in white

A rather fascinating debate in the House of Lords on the expansion of science and technology in modern society has led to a comparison with cricket.

There is perhaps a parallel to be drawn with cricket. Many of your Lordships will be aware that in major cricket matches these days a third umpire is often called upon to study a video television replay of a possible run-out and convey an informed decision on whether a batsman made his ground to the umpire standing on the field. In this instance, technology ensures the accuracy of the decision-making process and assists the umpire. However, the cricket authorities forbid the use of the third umpire and video technology in LBW—leg before wicket—decisions because, in this instance, they believe that an umpire on the field remains in a uniquely qualified position to make the decision.In the classroom, as on the cricket field, technology should enhance the process rather than replace it.

Well said that Lord - Lord St John of Bletso! It's becoming more and more obvious that technology will play a bigger role in the decisions made on the pitch. However, the two men-in-white are irreplaceable.

Cricket and golf clash. Spectacularly

  img_0514.jpg 
  Originally uploaded by foobear.

Usually the two sports go hand in hand together, but not in this case. What on earth are they doing? All very amusing anyway.

Is 'Pommy Bastard' racist?

Came across this today: is the term 'Pommy Bastard' racist?

IT SOUNDS like a line from an old Monty Python sketch, but a question doing the rounds yesterday was: Will it be OK to call English players "Pommy bastards" during the Ashes series here next summer? It seems the answer depends on who you ask, or perhaps on when you ask it.

Racist crowd behaviour has been the hot topic of cricket, after South African players complained of being called kaffirs - a highly derogatory term for black South Africans - and kaffir boeties (brother of blacks).

       

I don't see how Pommy Bastard is insulting to the English. It's my understanding (and I appreciate that there are variants on this) that Pommy is a bastardisation, if you pardon the pun, of P.O.M: Prisoner of her Majesty. So this is really, erm, for the Australians, not the English! I think the Aussies have a different turn on the phrase but that's my understanding.

I don't find it offensive, either; if anything, it's quite an endearing sort of phrase. That might be, however, me just linking it to the Ashes which is, of course, the ultimate sporting contest...

All out for Sport Relief

As I made mention of the other day, Sport Relief - comprising Phil Tufnell and Chris Evans among others - are out in India on a cricket tour which has just come to an end. Evans met Andrew Flintoff the other day during their final match...which they lost rather badly.

But with the home side having former Indian captain Mohammad Azharuddin in their side, they posted a massive 229 of 25 overs, which eventually proved just too good for the Sport Relief line-up.

Freddie, who was mobbed by Indian fans as soon as he arrived at the Braebourne Stadium, made his way to the Sport Relief dressing room to wish them all the best – and was met with a request by Chris Evans.

Evans said: “I asked Freddie if he’d stick my glasses on, wear a floppy hat and go out and send some fast ones down, but apparently he has a game this weekend or something.”

It's a great charity though, and it'll be good to see the documentary when it airs in the autumn (on the BBC). The site also has a gallery of photos from the tour.

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

Sport Relief crashes to defeat

As mentioned the other day, Sport Relief are out in India with a number of celebrities to raise funds for the less advantaged. It’s a good charity, made all the better by involving the Great Game.

The charity side, known as the Red Socks, lost their opening match with Jack Russell, Chris Evans, Phil Tufnell and Rosalie Birch all failing badly. Red Socks, chasing 177, slumped to a woeful 120 in 20 overs! Perhaps the choice of Tufnell as captain needs reconsidering.

Andrew Flintoff attended a Sport Relief function today, too, to lend his support in Mumbai.

Having despatched some shots deep into the streets, the all-rounder then missed one from an excitable youngster and was bowled.

The Mumbai project is designed to give an education to homeless children and, in addition, Flintoff’s visit coincided with an Indian festival where people are painted with coloured powder.

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

500 in a one-dayer? Pah

The strangest thing happened today. Amazon finally delivered a brand new and shiny copy of The 12th Man, which I hadn't listened to for several years.

For those of you not familiar with it, it's a hilarious spoof-cum-take-off of Richie Benaud, Tony Greig and various other commentators, sprinkled with a dose of foul, inappropriate language and farcial descriptions of the play. It's utter brilliance. Anyway, the arriving of the CD wasn't the noteworthy thing

During track 2, Richie muses that Australia stormed to 500 in a one-dayer against Sri Lanka ("All five Australian batsmen made hundreds".) Had I listened to this before the carnage on Sunday, I'd have laughed and scoffed and thought "how witty".

Fact is, never mind 500 - who'll be the first triple centurion in a one-dayer? The first team to 600? As the boundary ropes are pulled in, and the bats made of ever-more powerful material (what are they putting in the trees these dayS?), the scores will continue to rise. Gideon Haigh offers his thoughts on this too, shortly.

You must, must listen to the 12th man tapes. They're absolutely golden.

Will Luke is Editorial Assistant at Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

Touring in India

Miles Jupp, who I believe is a comedian, is touring with England in India and blogging about it. He has an amusing opening post, detailing the Sky commentary team's "nightmare" in not sourcing a good supply of tonic water.

Botham, Gower, Hussein et al. like to return to the media hotel at the end of each day’s play and have a gin and tonic to help them take the edge off, but for days they struggled to find their beloved mixer. All they kept getting offered were varieties of isotonic drink, but they turned their noses up at the idea of drinking any kind of turbo gin cocktail. Their travel operator even sent a man out into town with strict instructions to find the mixer at all costs.

Bush tries cricket

I never thought I'd see the day when George Bush - who is affectionately nicknamed "dubya" and more appropriately called a dumbwitted fool by those who work for him - plays cricket. But, here's the Texan tosser himself wielding a bat and trying to assimilate himself into another culture. It wouldn't surprise me if he thought cricket was a country, or a small farm dwelling on his thousand acre ranch. Credit to him, though, for at least giving us the opportunity to point and laugh at the silly idiot. Reuters has more:

Then the president was coached while batting at the wicket by Salman Butt, a member of Pakistan's cricket team, with Inzamam-ul-Haq, the team captain, nearby to also lend his expertise.

Bush, in a blue shirt with sleeves rolled up, played with tennis balls, which are much softer than stone-hard cricket balls. One student, Asif Raza, said he hoped Bush's foray onto a cricket pitch would promote the sport in America.

    The president's first couple of hits went off to the side, but the Pakistani players were charitable.

    "Not bad for a first time," one boy said.

    But his last hit was better and the ball flew off into some trees. One ball hit him on the back.

    He then tried his hand at bowling. "Very nice, very nice," one girl said.

    Bush, in Pakistan on the last leg of a tour of South Asia, was modest about his first-time performance.

    "Haven't quite got the skills yet," he said.

    Pakistan's most famous-ever cricketer, former captain-turned-politician Imran Khan, spent Saturday confined to his home where authorities detained him to thwart his plan to lead a march to protest against Bush's visit.

There's not much more to add, is there?

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

Panesar gives glimpse of full Monty!

Now how about that for a headline? Monty Panesar is a tabloid sub-editor’s dream! Anyway, I’d like to agree wholeheartedly with Jag who was delighted to see an English left-armer bowl around the wicket. I know Ashley Giles gets a lot of stick, some of it undeserved, but even he cannot deny that his over-the-wicket tactics have been painfully dull to watch.

I didn’t see a lot of Panesar today. However, what immediately struck me was the similarity between Daniel Vettori. In the piece I wrote for Cricinfo on Monty, Mark Ramprakash said we [England] should be looking to find someone of Vettori’s ability. While it’s too early to suggest Panesar has the same ability - incidentally, he certainly doesn’t have the same talent with the bat which Vettori possesses - he did well today, and looks a decent prospect. It’ll be really fascinating to watch his progression.

Maybe one day he’ll be / reveal the full Monty! (sorry, again). Also, he's not the first Monty to play for England:

England

Bowden, MP (Monty Bowden, 1865-1892)

Cranfield, LM (Monty Cranfield, 1909-1993)

Garland-Wells, HM (Monty Garland-Wells, 1907-1993)

Panesar, MS (Monty Panesar, 1982- )

Of those, only Monty Bowden played Tests. Ah, but there's an obvious and fatal flaw in my logic: I've forgotten about all the Montague's and Montgomery's, and there must be dozens of those...oh well. Cracking name for a dog, I think, Montague...

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

Scrapbooks to Wisden to Denmark

The very venerable Norm, of normblog fame, is an utter cricket nut - more, perhaps, than me. But not more than some of my colleages at Cricinfo (hello Gnasher!). Please now go and read his post, because it’s really very interesting. Norm has kept scrapbooks of his thoughts on the game stretching back some 50 years (double my age, which is a frightening thought - although it does confirm and reassure me that I’m actually still rather young). In one of them was this (Norm - please shout if you’re not happy with me copying this):

A pleasantly informal ceremony was performed in Bulawayo last night when Percy Mansell, who celebrated his 21st year of representative cricket for Rhodesia by scoring 50 runs against the Australians earlier this month, was presented with a gramophone record recalling the performance. A disc had been cut by the FBS in Salisbury from the broadcast commentary, and in the Bulawayo FBS studios, Mansell is seen receiving the record from studio manager Tom Pile. Looking on are (left) Rhodesia Cricket Union president Barrie Day, and broadcaster Claus Toksvig, one of the commentators on the disc.

Now then, Toksvig rang a bell with Mr Norm (as it did with me) and of course we were reminded of Sandi, a witty comedienne whose family originate from Denmark (boring aside: she’s a fairly regular panelist of I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue and Just a Minute, two fabtastic radio shows). Lo and behold, Claus Toksvig is her Father!

(Non-cricketing aside, which is related to this post). She actually stated on TV that Denmark’s newspaper, Jyllands-Posten, never published cartoons depicting Mohammed (you’ll remember the storm which brewed earlier this month). Oddly, she backtracked on her comments the following day and wrote a very fine and balanced piece about the whole affair, at The Telegraph, which is well worth a read.

No further comment. The point of Norm’s post, and this one, albeit tenuously, is that cricket connects people in the most bizarre of ways.

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

India and England: conflicting cultures

Boria Majumdar, the author of various books on Indian cricket, writes a fascinating article on the contrasting cultures of England and India.

It is cricket's worst kept secret - that English players were averse to touring the sub-continent until not very long ago. The Indian public missed out on Holmes, Sutcliffe, Wooley and Hammond in 1934. Trueman, Statham, May, Graveney and Bailey all pulled out in 1961-2.

The timing of this piece might cause a stir, given half of England's team have flown home. But he makes some valid and interesting points, not least about Indian sides who toured England

 

Soon after the Indians arrived for a series in 1932, the Evening Standard commented: "There has never been such a team of contrasts meeting on the common footing of cricket."

 

"The 18 players speak eight to 10 languages, belong to four or five different castes, some may not eat this and some may not eat that, a few are denied smoking by their religious laws.
 

 

"Some similarly have drink proscribed; they are captained by a Maharajah rich beyond the dreams of county cricket treasurers.

 

"Some come from the plains where cold is almost unknown, and others from the hills where the climate has insured them even to an English summer."

Fascinating to think our cultures were so vastly different not so long ago. And yet I know for a fact that even now, some teams and players are vary wary of touring the subcontinent. Why? I don't know. I've yet to visit India or Pakistan or indeed any of the subcontinent - and I can't wait - so I'm not fully qualified to argue either way.

"The Shift", as Majumdar says, started in the 1990s with the realisation that the subcontinent had an audience of tens of millions, far more than any other country. An audience of that size brought fervent marketing and a monopoly over advertising; indeed, in 2005 the ICC moved its headquarters from Britain to Dubai.

India is now the centre of the cricketing world, both geographically and metaphorically. With its recent withdrawal from the Champions Trophy, some questioned whether it was getting rather too big for its boots which my Editor, Sambit Bal, put far more eloquently than I can:

But at the same time, to be taken seriously as a leader, India must learn to behave like one. It is justified in seeking to redress the imbalance in the international calendar, which it finds discriminatory and inimical to its interests, but it must assure the international cricket community that it is prepared to think beyond itself and put its might behind causes that transcend commerce. That sport is big business today is an inescapable reality. But it must not be lost on anyone that there is a fundamental difference between sport and business. Money may be sport's biggest driver, but it is not its soul; cricket needs to make money in order to exist, but it doesn't exist to make money.

Cricketers may not want to go to India for reasons of their own choosing. They now have to and it's in their monetary interests to do so. The balance of power has shifted, and dramatically so.

Will Luke writes for Cricinfo.com and edits The Corridor of Uncertainty

Freddie's favourite sledge

Justin Hunt

At a recent banquet at St James' Park, Newcastle, Freddie Flintoff was interviewed by Gabby Logan, the master of ceremonies. Freddie was asked what sort of comments the Australians make when sledging?

“The Aussies are fantastic,” Freddie replies. “One of the best sledging
stories I ever heard was from a match between Australia against Zimbabwe at the Harare sports club with Ian Healy behind the stumps.

“Ian is renowned for sledging, renowned for taking the mickey out of batters when he's stood behind, and on the Zimbabwean side was a bloke called Eddo Brandes; this big, steak-eating, beer-loving Zimbabwean farmed chickens for a living and played his cricket at weekends.

“So he comes out to bat and takes guard at the crease and Healy is at him straight away. 'Oi, Eddo! Why are you so f******* fat!' And Eddo turns round to him and says, 'Well Ian, every time I go to bed with your missus, she gives me a biscuit!'

Anyone got any other funny sledging stories to match Freddie's?