The Googly

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  As you can see from my picture, I'm a happy man today.  This is because last night I showed what a good judge of character I am by choosing some flash Oxbridge lad who has achieved nothing, despite all his advantages, over a single-mum who has managed to carve out a great career despite being alone with her child since the age of 17.  I really am that good.  Anyway, to the cricket.

HIRED!
Aleem Dar & Billy Bowden - A more masterful display of judgement I have never seen, apart from me last night obviously.

Alex Loudon - For no other reason than this week I like boys who went to private school .

Darren Sammy - like a diamond glittering within a river of shit this boy.

FIRED!
Liam Plunkett - not bowling very well, also did not go to a private school, and I don't like that.

Dr Ere Seshaiah - poor decision making in a key task, also he probably lost me money and/or didn't go to private school

Andrew Strauss - scoring no runs, but on the other hand he went to a private school, this is a tough one.

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Hello!  It's your favourite hirsute heranguer of wannabe executive imbeciles here once more to give you the lowdown on what is good and not so good in cricket this week. 

HIRED!
The Googly - These fellas around here broke the news of Percy Sonn's death before SkySports, and waxed about the potential of Joe Denly a full week before the BBC did.  You know where to come for your cricket stuff now.

Ryan Sidebottom - I'm hiring him again after his ballsy showing in this week's task

Alistair Cook - I like this boy, he is a doer not a talker and is reaping the modest rewards.  I myself am a talker and a doer, hence I have a Bentley

FIRED!
Craig McDermott - Not only have you shamed your wife, worse than that you LOST HER BLOODY MONEY!

Kapil Dev - I like straight-talking, but even I found this a bit much.

Vic Marks - I like listening to TMS in my Bentley, what I don't like is a public schoolboy wittering on then doing that stupid bloody nasal laugh at his own jokes, that aren't bloody funny anyway!

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Whassup!  It's me again, your favourite rough diamond and fool suffering vacuum Sir Alan Sugar.  The cricket has been affected by the rain this week, this doesn't happen in my company as I control everything in my empire; for example, not one of my female staff has ever got pregnant. FACT!  Anyway, here's my lot for this week.

HIRED!
James Harris - he's all do and no talk, I like that, which is ironic seeing as how I never shut up on the telly.

Ryan Sidebottom - as I've always said, keep plugging away at being average and you'll get your reward.  In fact I've never said that, but I still like this fella

Monty Panesar - like me, this boy will not accept his limitations; unlike me, people genuinely seem to like him.

FIRED!
Michael Vaughan - total opposite of young Harris and Panesar

Pro40 league - what a lot of nonsense

Owais Shah - one chance + no bottle = fired!

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo!  Your favourite new-eyed and repressively morose TV personality and master business beard Sir Alan here once again.  I've spent most of this week looking at my collection of cars and thinking of new yiddish words to use on the telly, but that doesn't mean I haven't had time to size up the cricket.  Here goes...

HIRED!
Adil Rashid - Like me as a young man, this lad is talented and has determination.  Unlike me, he will be a cricketer of note rather than a humourless purveyor of comedy-level bad electronic products

Bangladesh - Unlike whoever wins The Apprentice, these young lads are actually ones to keep an eye on for the future

Darren Gough - I don't like bullshitters, and I don't like timewasters, in fact there's very little I do like,  But I do like the Dazzler.

FIRED!
West Indies Cricket Board - As sure as I've got an 'ole in my arse, one game's preparation for a test series is nowhere near enough

Steve Harmison - You owe us sunbeam, so I'd advise you to shut it!

Virender Sehwag - You've been failing task after task recently sonny, and I won't stand for it.

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Corporate cardboard cut-out and all round geezer Alan Sugar here.  I've not been worrying about the empty void inside me so much this week, so I've had more time to watch the cricket, and have made my selection.

HIRED!
Marcus Trescothick - even though he can be a bit mentalist at times, you can't argue with 284 runs

Tim Ambrose - unlike the person who wins The Apprentice, the wicketkeeper is key to an organisation, and this boy's got it all, including 404 runs in three matches

Steve Harmison - despite failing the Winter task miserably, he's shown a bit of character in the spring

FIRED!
The ECB - Not a single bit of cricket being played on a Bank Holiday in London!  You lot must be nutters!

Dominic Cork - If I had a bowling average of 54.72 for the season, I'd keep my cake-hole shut if I was you son

Rain - I hate nature, in fact I hate anything I can't control - and Lancashire are already suffering because of it!

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

As most of you know, I can't stand it when people lose my money; so I spend a lot of my spare time looking down the side of my wife's chair to check for fivers, and watching CCTV footage of my Polish cleaners to check they're not hoovering up any loose change.  But, when I'm not doing that I keep an eye on the cricket, so I can tell you who needs to be given the spanish archer; El Bow!

HIRED!
James Benning - this boy's got aggression, I like that

Paul Nixon - the streetfighter gets his just rewards, like me with my Bentley

Kent - beating the current best in the business by an innings is a top achievement.  Of course if I'd have been Sussex I would have won, because I never lose. Fact.

FIRED!
England/Durham - Why aren't these dumkopfts playing Harmison in the University match?

Kevin Shine - an equation for you Kev: You + no swing from any bowlers + new coach = sack

Geraint Jones - 49 or not son, you are a goner

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo, it's Sir Alan Sugar here, everybody's favourite smug TV bully and purveyor of low-end electronics.  I've once again been having a look at the cricket, in between driving round and round London in my Bentley and planning my next plastic surgery. 

HIRED!
Lasith Maliga - He's a dead ringer for my favourite ever dwarf, Herve Villachaize, and he can bowl a bit too

Mahele Jayawardene - He's a doer, not a talker . I like that in an employee

Glenn McGrath - You can't beat experience, like my Margaret and Nick, he's a gem.

FIRED!
The Cricket World Cup - If you are going to have a shit end product (and believe me I know a lot about them), then you can't have the cheek to make the process of getting there last 8 weeks!

Ashwell Prince - What was that shot all about son?

David Morgan - no decision should be made that quickly pal, unless it's me firing someone.

Hired or Fired! with Sir Alan Sugar

Hello!  Inexplicably morose beardy businessman Sir Alan Sugar here.  Now, my spies tell me that there have been some people not pulling their weight as they sit at their keyboards to read my vitriol. Well I won't stand for it, so straighten your backs and pay attention!  Here's this weeks bloody shower:

Hired!

Boyd Rankin - As I say on The Apprentice, I like my staff to be tall and Irish, at least I would if that is what was in the script they give me, but it aint.  Either way, this lad's had a corker.

Paul Nixon - I like a person with a bit of the streetfighter about them, like Margaret, my sidekick.   She'd take any one of you lot down.

Geoff Boycott - I'm not keen on northerners, but this fella talks a lot of sense about the cricket.  I could use him to tell my design team what is wrong with everything they have ever come up with - starting with that bloody infra-red massager!

Fired!

Michael Vaughan - I don't like bullshitters

Duncan Fletcher - in real life as well, probably

Tom Moody - you don't send for an electrician when your bath is pissing water through your ceiling and you don't send for Bandara when you need to beat Australia.

You can also read even more about me over at TV Scoop.

Hired or Fired, with Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Electronics and TV bajillionaire Sir Alan Sugar here again, to let all you Googly readers know who has and hasn't stepped up the the mark again this week.  As I tell the people on my show, The Apprentice, "never underestimate me, as I have a vast team of people who I pay to tell me things, and then make it look like I found it out myself".  Or something like that.

HIRED!

Bangladesh - these boys came from humble beginnings like me, also like me they are now inexplicably doing well in the public eye.

Ravi Bopara - a diamond among a great pile of shit, he's also from humble beginnings, like me.

AB de Villiers - I like a man who fights for what he wants, like me with my numerous government contracts, and this fella showed real character

FIRED!

The ICC - if I'd run my businesses like this lot then I'd still be selling fruit, instead of millions of awful gadgets of questionable build quality

Umpires - as sure as I've got a hole in my arse that was a fair catch from KP

Sky TV's theme tune - Life is a long way from being a bloody carnival when I hear this tune.

Cricket World Cup: Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict

"Hello, I'm millionnaire businessman Sir Alan Sugar* off The Apprentice.  In between meetings and eye operations I like to take my mind off the vast emptyness in my soul by watching cricket. I've had a look at this bloody shower on the screens in the Cricket World Cup and decided who is "Hired!" or "Fired!" after their performances.  Of course, those hired wont actually be given a job with me, as you know I am very selective about who I allow to sell my second-rate electronic tat."

*not really

Matthew Hayden: "This boy's done well, like me when I went from being a barrow boy to one of the greatest purveyors of rank-awful computers in Europe.  But I don't like his gum chewing on the job, that will have to stop"
Verdict: HIRED!

Muttiah Murilitharan: "I can't work out if this bloke is not just some kind of nutter, but he's bowled a few decent balls.  I doubt he could sell questionable quality Infra-Red massagers to a gullible and stupid public like me, but credit where it is due"
Verdict: HIRED!

Michael Hussey: "Apparently this bloke is known as Mr. Cricket, but from what I've seen this week he should be called Mr. Shit At Cricket.  I'm not interested in his previous record, he's failed miserably at this week's task and I'm not getting answers as to what went wrong!"
Verdict: FIRED!

Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff: "I don't like bullshitters and I don't like people with nicknames, in fact there is very little I do like, but that's beside the point, as this idiot has crossed the line.  If he was working for me he'd be out faster than he fell off that bloody pedalo!"
Verdict: FIRED!

India: "I have a great relationship with India, they allow me to live in the lap of luxury and lord it over people on my own TV show whilst I pay their working population less than I spend on dog food, but their cricket team is out of order.  I think I'll have to have them all in the board room for a mass firing as I haven't got the time to do them individually"
Verdict: Collectively FIRED!

Dwayne Leverock:  "I like this boy, I don't set my stall on whether someone is fat or not, more what they can do and his diving catch the other night was a purler.  Very much like the purler I pulled off by getting the government to promote by e-Mailer Phone, despite it being a total bag of shit"
Verdict: HIRED!

Join me every week on The Googly throughout the season to see who is to be hired and fired .

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Whassup!  It's me again, your favourite rough diamond and fool suffering vacuum Sir Alan Sugar.  The cricket has been affected by the rain this week, this doesn't happen in my company as I control everything in my empire; for example, not one of my female staff has ever got pregnant. FACT!  Anyway, here's my lot for this week.

HIRED!
James Harris - he's all do and no talk, I like that, which is ironic seeing as how I never shut up on the telly.

Ryan Sidebottom - as I've always said, keep plugging away at being average and you'll get your reward.  In fact I've never said that, but I still like this fella

Monty Panesar - like me, this boy will not accept his limitations; unlike me, people genuinely seem to like him.

FIRED!
Michael Vaughan - total opposite of young Harris and Panesar

Pro40 league - what a lot of nonsense

Owais Shah - one chance + no bottle = fired!

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo!  Your favourite new-eyed and repressively morose TV personality and master business beard Sir Alan here once again.  I've spent most of this week looking at my collection of cars and thinking of new yiddish words to use on the telly, but that doesn't mean I haven't had time to size up the cricket.  Here goes...

HIRED!
Adil Rashid - Like me as a young man, this lad is talented and has determination.  Unlike me, he will be a cricketer of note rather than a humourless purveyor of comedy-level bad electronic products

Bangladesh - Unlike whoever wins The Apprentice, these young lads are actually ones to keep an eye on for the future

Darren Gough - I don't like bullshitters, and I don't like timewasters, in fact there's very little I do like,  But I do like the Dazzler.

FIRED!
West Indies Cricket Board - As sure as I've got an 'ole in my arse, one game's preparation for a test series is nowhere near enough

Steve Harmison - You owe us sunbeam, so I'd advise you to shut it!

Virender Sehwag - You've been failing task after task recently sonny, and I won't stand for it.

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Corporate cardboard cut-out and all round geezer Alan Sugar here.  I've not been worrying about the empty void inside me so much this week, so I've had more time to watch the cricket, and have made my selection.

HIRED!
Marcus Trescothick - even though he can be a bit mentalist at times, you can't argue with 284 runs

Tim Ambrose - unlike the person who wins The Apprentice, the wicketkeeper is key to an organisation, and this boy's got it all, including 404 runs in three matches

Steve Harmison - despite failing the Winter task miserably, he's shown a bit of character in the spring

FIRED!
The ECB - Not a single bit of cricket being played on a Bank Holiday in London!  You lot must be nutters!

Dominic Cork - If I had a bowling average of 54.72 for the season, I'd keep my cake-hole shut if I was you son

Rain - I hate nature, in fact I hate anything I can't control - and Lancashire are already suffering because of it!

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

As most of you know, I can't stand it when people lose my money; so I spend a lot of my spare time looking down the side of my wife's chair to check for fivers, and watching CCTV footage of my Polish cleaners to check they're not hoovering up any loose change.  But, when I'm not doing that I keep an eye on the cricket, so I can tell you who needs to be given the spanish archer; El Bow!

HIRED!
James Benning - this boy's got aggression, I like that

Paul Nixon - the streetfighter gets his just rewards, like me with my Bentley

Kent - beating the current best in the business by an innings is a top achievement.  Of course if I'd have been Sussex I would have won, because I never lose. Fact.

FIRED!
England/Durham - Why aren't these dumkopfts playing Harmison in the University match?

Kevin Shine - an equation for you Kev: You + no swing from any bowlers + new coach = sack

Geraint Jones - 49 or not son, you are a goner

Hired or Fired! With Sir Alan Sugar

'Allo, it's Sir Alan Sugar here, everybody's favourite smug TV bully and purveyor of low-end electronics.  I've once again been having a look at the cricket, in between driving round and round London in my Bentley and planning my next plastic surgery. 

HIRED!
Lasith Maliga - He's a dead ringer for my favourite ever dwarf, Herve Villachaize, and he can bowl a bit too

Mahele Jayawardene - He's a doer, not a talker . I like that in an employee

Glenn McGrath - You can't beat experience, like my Margaret and Nick, he's a gem.

FIRED!
The Cricket World Cup - If you are going to have a shit end product (and believe me I know a lot about them), then you can't have the cheek to make the process of getting there last 8 weeks!

Ashwell Prince - What was that shot all about son?

David Morgan - no decision should be made that quickly pal, unless it's me firing someone.

Hired or Fired! with Sir Alan Sugar

Hello!  Inexplicably morose beardy businessman Sir Alan Sugar here.  Now, my spies tell me that there have been some people not pulling their weight as they sit at their keyboards to read my vitriol. Well I won't stand for it, so straighten your backs and pay attention!  Here's this weeks bloody shower:

Hired!

Boyd Rankin - As I say on The Apprentice, I like my staff to be tall and Irish, at least I would if that is what was in the script they give me, but it aint.  Either way, this lad's had a corker.

Paul Nixon - I like a person with a bit of the streetfighter about them, like Margaret, my sidekick.   She'd take any one of you lot down.

Geoff Boycott - I'm not keen on northerners, but this fella talks a lot of sense about the cricket.  I could use him to tell my design team what is wrong with everything they have ever come up with - starting with that bloody infra-red massager!

Fired!

Michael Vaughan - I don't like bullshitters

Duncan Fletcher - in real life as well, probably

Tom Moody - you don't send for an electrician when your bath is pissing water through your ceiling and you don't send for Bandara when you need to beat Australia.

You can also read even more about me over at TV Scoop.

Hired or Fired, with Sir Alan Sugar

Wotcha!  Electronics and TV bajillionaire Sir Alan Sugar here again, to let all you Googly readers know who has and hasn't stepped up the the mark again this week.  As I tell the people on my show, The Apprentice, "never underestimate me, as I have a vast team of people who I pay to tell me things, and then make it look like I found it out myself".  Or something like that.

HIRED!

Bangladesh - these boys came from humble beginnings like me, also like me they are now inexplicably doing well in the public eye.

Ravi Bopara - a diamond among a great pile of shit, he's also from humble beginnings, like me.

AB de Villiers - I like a man who fights for what he wants, like me with my numerous government contracts, and this fella showed real character

FIRED!

The ICC - if I'd run my businesses like this lot then I'd still be selling fruit, instead of millions of awful gadgets of questionable build quality

Umpires - as sure as I've got a hole in my arse that was a fair catch from KP

Sky TV's theme tune - Life is a long way from being a bloody carnival when I hear this tune.

Cricket World Cup: Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict

"Hello, I'm millionnaire businessman Sir Alan Sugar* off The Apprentice.  In between meetings and eye operations I like to take my mind off the vast emptyness in my soul by watching cricket. I've had a look at this bloody shower on the screens in the Cricket World Cup and decided who is "Hired!" or "Fired!" after their performances.  Of course, those hired wont actually be given a job with me, as you know I am very selective about who I allow to sell my second-rate electronic tat."

*not really

Matthew Hayden: "This boy's done well, like me when I went from being a barrow boy to one of the greatest purveyors of rank-awful computers in Europe.  But I don't like his gum chewing on the job, that will have to stop"
Verdict: HIRED!

Muttiah Murilitharan: "I can't work out if this bloke is not just some kind of nutter, but he's bowled a few decent balls.  I doubt he could sell questionable quality Infra-Red massagers to a gullible and stupid public like me, but credit where it is due"
Verdict: HIRED!

Michael Hussey: "Apparently this bloke is known as Mr. Cricket, but from what I've seen this week he should be called Mr. Shit At Cricket.  I'm not interested in his previous record, he's failed miserably at this week's task and I'm not getting answers as to what went wrong!"
Verdict: FIRED!

Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff: "I don't like bullshitters and I don't like people with nicknames, in fact there is very little I do like, but that's beside the point, as this idiot has crossed the line.  If he was working for me he'd be out faster than he fell off that bloody pedalo!"
Verdict: FIRED!

India: "I have a great relationship with India, they allow me to live in the lap of luxury and lord it over people on my own TV show whilst I pay their working population less than I spend on dog food, but their cricket team is out of order.  I think I'll have to have them all in the board room for a mass firing as I haven't got the time to do them individually"
Verdict: Collectively FIRED!

Dwayne Leverock:  "I like this boy, I don't set my stall on whether someone is fat or not, more what they can do and his diving catch the other night was a purler.  Very much like the purler I pulled off by getting the government to promote by e-Mailer Phone, despite it being a total bag of shit"
Verdict: HIRED!

Join me every week on The Googly throughout the season to see who is to be hired and fired .