The Googly

Somerset will win everything

So says Andrew Caddick, but that's not really why his words have caught the ear today. Never one to miss an opportunity, Caddick has weighed into the Harmison debate with his incisive review of Steve's recent performances in New Zealand.

"The standard he is playing right now, he is not viable in the side."

Caddick, of course, is not the only one to have doubts about Harmison's form - Michael Vaughan recently revealed that he had doubts before and during the tour of New Zealand, and the BBC's Jonathan Agnew expressed his fears some while back.

What makes Caddick's comments in an interview today of interest, is that is not often that we hear such naked bitterness. "He took over my spot ... He frustrates me ... I didn't get a chance to retire ... I was told I wasn't going to play again [for England]." Examples of how deep the hurt went in 2003.

Caddick was never an easy cricketer to enjoy - when playing for England he could be incredibly destructive on one day and then come out as a journeyman club bowler next time. Described again and again in his international career by journalists, coaches and fans as "frustrating", there is an irony in his choice of this word when speaking of Steve Harmison.

While I realise that by writing this piece I am giving Mr Caddick the oxygen of publicity for his views, I think it's a shame that he used his interview to spend time talking about Steve Harmison when he could well have taken the chance to give Somerset a resoundingly positive send-off for the season.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

The Vote: The future of Matthew Hoggard

He was harshly dropped, but he is looking a little too slow, and has lost his legendary control as well. 

With Sidebottom playing so well do England need him?  With Anderson bowling like a blind man with the bends can they afford to be without him?  Give us your vote here adn some views in the comments.

Video: Tim Southee's 77 off 40 balls

The young fella scores the fastest fifty in NZ history, and the sixth fastest of all time.  A beauty.

New Zealand vs England - England SHIT/GOOD™ series ratings

The computer has been working overtime, so much so that I have had to put an extra hamster on the wheel to power it.  Here are the results.

Alastair Cook - Became the youngest England player to reach 2000 Test runs during the tour.  However, a worrying lack of ability to impose himself after decent starts at present raises a few worries, also his tentative footwork against a pretty average attack.  A high score of 60 is not good enough.  It says a lot about his class and talent that we expect so much more from him even at such a young age.  SHIT

Michael Vaughan - His hair is inexplicable, his batting mediocre, and an average of 20.50 for the series raises doubts about whether he should be opening; or even in the side on his batting alone.  But, as captain he was involved in the decision to mix up the attack after Hamilton, and he did steer the good ship England to a series win.  SHIT

Andrew Strauss - I was all ready to write a damning report about him, demanding that he be dropped so hard that he splinters his arse-bone as he lands.  Then he went and tonked his highest test score in Napier.  Amazingly, it seems to have taken him to the age of 31 to learn the straight-drive.  Has bought himself a summer in the team, for all our sakes let's hope he doesn't waste it. GOOD

Kevin Pietersen - Like Strauss, finally broke out of the top order malaise that had been the most disturbing development of the whole winter.  Still largely unconvincing and looks mostly like he can't be bothered at the moment.  Maybe the century will ignite whatever fire in him went out sometime last year.  SHIT

Ian Bell - So very fluent, so very talented, so very infuriating.  His century in Napier displayed more natural ability than perhaps anyone else in the team, but as usual it was in the second innings.  However you cannot argue with an average of 50 for the series.  Needs a minumum three centuries in the summer, all in the first innings.  GOOD

Paul Collingwood - Somehow managed to average 40 for the series despite only having a high score of 66; a consistenly average performance with the bat.  However, Colly is more than this as we all know, and his tail-destroying bowling in the second Test was useful, added to his usual contribution in the field.  GOOD (but only just)

Tim Ambrose - Match-winning century at Wellington aside, it was fairly fitful performance from the Aussie debutant.  Low scores everywhere else and some very dodgy glovework indeed at times.  Seems the problem position is still open to a solution but he will keep it for now.  GOOD

Ryan Sidebottom - What can you say?  The series where he finally cemented himself as a world-class bowler, and where would England be without him at present?  Head and shoulders above everyone with 24 wickets at 17.  Will bowl all day, any end, until his legs fall off.  SO VERY VERY GOOD

Stuart Broad - Where has he been for two years?  While persevering with a misfiring Harmison this youngster has wasted months of development time at this level.  Time he has instead spent dying his hair.  For shame. GOOD

James Anderson - One decent session of bowling in an series is not good enough.  SHIT

Monty Panesar - Not given much a chance to show what he can do until the closing act at Napier.  As always, did not fail to impress.  Fielding seems to be getting worse, which is a bit strange is it not Mr Moores? GOOD

Matthew Hoggard - Harshly dropped after a poor show in Hamilton,  will be back due to Anderson's total lack of consistency.  I have the feeling it was a fitness issue rather than a loss of class.  SHIT

Steve Harmison - The chief Boycott-baiter was finally dropped after bowling at 27mph for the whole of the Hamilton debacle.  Will there be any way back for him?  Does he really want a way back?  Do we really care?  SHIT

New Zealand vs England - Series Player Ratings: New Zealand

Okay, it wasn't the best cricket we've ever seen, but it was competitive and unpredictable and, at the end (as our picture shows) poignant. The Trumpet awards the series an 8, but cross the jump for the New Zealand player ratings.

Jamie How 6 - A vital 92 on the first day of the series set up the Kiwis' extraordinary demolition of England in the First Test. Thereafter looked slightly out of his depth.

Matthew Bell 3 - Scores heavily in the domestic game, but seems paralysed by nerves in the international spotlight. Should sign up to a TV dance competition immediately.

Stephen Fleming 7 - Looks fantastic, a God amongst mortals, but still the match-turning knocks elude him. For a man unfulfilled as a batsman, it is deeply depressing to hear of his retirement at 34. He should speak to Graham Gooch.

Matthew Sinclair 1 - Not good enough.

Ross Taylor 8 - Made a dazzling 120 to set up the win in Hamilton, thereafter dazzled intermittently. Easy to forget that he has played just five Tests. If Vettori's bowling deteriorates further, expect whispers of captaincy.

Jacob Oram 6 - A batting all-rounder who played as a bowler who bats. Still doesn't convince at Test level - more of a Lancashire League pro playing a bit above his comfort level.

Brendon McCullum 5 - Gilchrist-lite. Slightly too pleased with himself, poor shot selection was his undoing too often. Keeping was showy rather than safe.

Daniel Vettori 6 - A bowling all rounder who played as a batsman who bowls. Captained beautifully at Hamilton, but was less convincing in the two defeats. His lack of penetration with the ball must be worrying him.

Kyle Mills 7 - Honest trier whose decapitation of the England order in the second innings at Hamilton sealed the win.

Jeetan Patel 7 - Outbowled his captain and brought energy and commitment to the field.

Chris Martin 6 - Took wickets regularly, but never looked like a running through a side. Too one-dimensional to trouble international batsmen. Showed real guts to allow Southee's cameo after a clout on the head.

Tim Southee 8 - Bowled a superb opening spell at Napier, then played an Astlesque innings when the game was up. Beautiful action, tremendous hand-eye coordination, wonderful temperament, big, strong boy - what more can one ask of a teenage cricketer?

Mark Gillespie and Grant Elliot 1 - Not Test cricketers on this evidence.

[The Tooting Trumpet] [Image: Getty]

 

England defeat New Zealand and seal the series

Third Test, Napier, England won by 121 runs

It took only a session and a bit for England to seal the victory in the Third Test match and with it a 2-1 victory in the series.  Monty Panesar finally returned some decent figures this winter, taking 6-126, including most of the Kiwi top order

While the victory was never in doubt, there were a few jitters for England when young Tim Southee did his best impression of a Howitzer cannon, booming the ball all overe the shop to race to 77 not out, including nine sixes.  His bombastic cameo saw both Panesar and Anderson off, before England brought out ther own big gun, Sidebottom, to fittingly take the final wicket. 

This Test had a bit more of what England have been looking for; big scores with the bat, some decent bowling, professional fielding; all in all, a step in the right direction.  But as I said in a previous comment, improving from utterly shit to average is not something to get the bunting out for.

Monty Panesar gets some wickets and England close in on the most underwhelming series victory in recent history

It's nearly over.  New Zealand are fighting as hard as they have done all series, but the the fat bird is gargling with listerine and honey as she prepares to sing louder than she ever has before.

Andrew Strauss has guaranteed his place in the Test side and a juicy central contract for the next 12 months with his accomplished knock of 177 - his highest in Tests - which helped to set the Kiwis andabsolute shed-load of runs to win this match.  That ain't gonna happen.

Their reply has been dogged if pointless, and despite Monty Panesar claiming three wickets in an innings for the first time on this tour and Stuart Broad grabbing a couple with some well judged short balls, we are still heading for day five.

Oh, and James "False Dawn" Anderson has been carted all over the park again.

Seconds out, it's Harmison vs Boycott!!

Ladeees and gennlemen, welcome to the main event of the evening.  In the blue corner: the Barnsley Brawler, the Count of Clout - Sir Geoffrey Boycott.  In the red corner: the Ashington Arm, the Baron of Broken Fingers - Stephen J Harmison.

Round One: Both men come out, they shuffle forward, Boycott leads with "Since the Ashes series of 2005 he has been poor, indifferent to bad. He's not got enough wickets and been given so many chances,".  Harmy is stung but on his feet, he counters with an overhand, "inside the dressing room he has no status, he is just an accent, some sort of caricature of a professional Yorkshireman."

Round Two:  Harmison decides to go on the attack, snapping out a fast ""You get the feeling that Boycott is an insecure man who needs to be heard."  That has rocked the old fella!  But you don't last as long as the Boycs without being able to absorb a bit of punishment and he throws back "If he gets a central contract this summer over some of the new kids, or any sort of central contract, then a lot of us will be screaming: favouritism and a total waste of money."

Round Three:  Time for the big shots to come out, with Boycott throwing eveything into, "England should forget him."  But Harmison pulls an astounding blow from nowhere, "You say that if England give me another central contract come October that would be waste of money. To me, you are a waste of space."  And that has put the wily old campaigner on the canvas, he'll struggle to get up from there. 

He's still right though.

Sidebottom decides that if no-one else is going to bother their arse winning this match then he'll do it himself

Many clichés have such a classification because they are true; and judging by the second day of play in the Third Test, the cricket classic of "never judge a wicket until both sides have batted on it" is fully justified in having such status.  It's not exactly the batter's paradise everyone predicted at Napier - more a batter's dystopia.

New Zealand capitulated in the face of a monstrously terrifying display of seam and swing bowling from England's new hero Ryan Sidebottom.  The Yorkshireman's fabulous spell of 7-47 means that England as a team are right back in this match, and Sidebottom as a player has a five-fer in every Test of this enthralling series to go with his super-powers and lovely mane.  In more depressing news, James Anderson has returned to his default 'cow's arse and banjo' bowling setting, going for 7.74 an over.

Daniel Vettori will be crying salt tears onto the pages of whatever highbrow text he is reading tonight after watching his team squander a superb position following the England (minus KP) collapse on day one. At one point his team were 93-1; they were all out for 168.  Are you England in disguise?  Bell and Sinclair were again out cheaply.  Both look as out of place in international cricket as a pork chop at a Bah Mitzvah.

Michael Vaughan will be more worried about his own form, which is moving from bad to woeful, and that of the batsmen in general.  He cannot expect his bowlers to continue to dig him out of the increasingly large runless holes that the top of the order continue to dump the side in.

Overall day two ratings:
England - GOOD
New Zealand - SHIT

Thank every God you believe in for Kevin Pietersen

To quote directly from cricinfo's commentary of the dismissal of KP for 129; "without him England would be a complete shambles as opposed to only being a moderate one".  Probably the best pithy summing up of a day's play I have heard for a while.

I held my breath as the coin went up, hoping that finally Vaughan would win a toss and his correct call was greeted in my house with a contented slump into the sofa.  Have I learned nothing from my years as an Englishman?

Young Kiwi debutants Southee and Elliott could not have dreamed of a better start to their international careers, as top batsmen (and Andrew Strauss) gave their wickets away with greater ease than a high school girl's knickers on prom night.  Vaughan played round a straight one; Strauss drove without moving his feet (AGAIN) to gully; Cook inside edged a full one onto his stump; Bell flat batted a waist high wide one straight to the bowler; and Collingwood slapped a good length ball to backward point.  Every single one of these dismissals could and should have been avoided.

A decent total is now in the hands of Stuart Broad, who looks good for his 42, and Ryan Sidebottom who usually does no more than hold up and end.

As a writer it is hard to keep finding new synonyms to describe these woeful showings by England; today's selection is: hideous.

Video: Tim Southee's 77 off 40 balls

The young fella scores the fastest fifty in NZ history, and the sixth fastest of all time.  A beauty.

New Zealand vs England - England SHIT/GOOD™ series ratings

The computer has been working overtime, so much so that I have had to put an extra hamster on the wheel to power it.  Here are the results.

Alastair Cook - Became the youngest England player to reach 2000 Test runs during the tour.  However, a worrying lack of ability to impose himself after decent starts at present raises a few worries, also his tentative footwork against a pretty average attack.  A high score of 60 is not good enough.  It says a lot about his class and talent that we expect so much more from him even at such a young age.  SHIT

Michael Vaughan - His hair is inexplicable, his batting mediocre, and an average of 20.50 for the series raises doubts about whether he should be opening; or even in the side on his batting alone.  But, as captain he was involved in the decision to mix up the attack after Hamilton, and he did steer the good ship England to a series win.  SHIT

Andrew Strauss - I was all ready to write a damning report about him, demanding that he be dropped so hard that he splinters his arse-bone as he lands.  Then he went and tonked his highest test score in Napier.  Amazingly, it seems to have taken him to the age of 31 to learn the straight-drive.  Has bought himself a summer in the team, for all our sakes let's hope he doesn't waste it. GOOD

Kevin Pietersen - Like Strauss, finally broke out of the top order malaise that had been the most disturbing development of the whole winter.  Still largely unconvincing and looks mostly like he can't be bothered at the moment.  Maybe the century will ignite whatever fire in him went out sometime last year.  SHIT

Ian Bell - So very fluent, so very talented, so very infuriating.  His century in Napier displayed more natural ability than perhaps anyone else in the team, but as usual it was in the second innings.  However you cannot argue with an average of 50 for the series.  Needs a minumum three centuries in the summer, all in the first innings.  GOOD

Paul Collingwood - Somehow managed to average 40 for the series despite only having a high score of 66; a consistenly average performance with the bat.  However, Colly is more than this as we all know, and his tail-destroying bowling in the second Test was useful, added to his usual contribution in the field.  GOOD (but only just)

Tim Ambrose - Match-winning century at Wellington aside, it was fairly fitful performance from the Aussie debutant.  Low scores everywhere else and some very dodgy glovework indeed at times.  Seems the problem position is still open to a solution but he will keep it for now.  GOOD

Ryan Sidebottom - What can you say?  The series where he finally cemented himself as a world-class bowler, and where would England be without him at present?  Head and shoulders above everyone with 24 wickets at 17.  Will bowl all day, any end, until his legs fall off.  SO VERY VERY GOOD

Stuart Broad - Where has he been for two years?  While persevering with a misfiring Harmison this youngster has wasted months of development time at this level.  Time he has instead spent dying his hair.  For shame. GOOD

James Anderson - One decent session of bowling in an series is not good enough.  SHIT

Monty Panesar - Not given much a chance to show what he can do until the closing act at Napier.  As always, did not fail to impress.  Fielding seems to be getting worse, which is a bit strange is it not Mr Moores? GOOD

Matthew Hoggard - Harshly dropped after a poor show in Hamilton,  will be back due to Anderson's total lack of consistency.  I have the feeling it was a fitness issue rather than a loss of class.  SHIT

Steve Harmison - The chief Boycott-baiter was finally dropped after bowling at 27mph for the whole of the Hamilton debacle.  Will there be any way back for him?  Does he really want a way back?  Do we really care?  SHIT

New Zealand vs England - Series Player Ratings: New Zealand

Okay, it wasn't the best cricket we've ever seen, but it was competitive and unpredictable and, at the end (as our picture shows) poignant. The Trumpet awards the series an 8, but cross the jump for the New Zealand player ratings.

Jamie How 6 - A vital 92 on the first day of the series set up the Kiwis' extraordinary demolition of England in the First Test. Thereafter looked slightly out of his depth.

Matthew Bell 3 - Scores heavily in the domestic game, but seems paralysed by nerves in the international spotlight. Should sign up to a TV dance competition immediately.

Stephen Fleming 7 - Looks fantastic, a God amongst mortals, but still the match-turning knocks elude him. For a man unfulfilled as a batsman, it is deeply depressing to hear of his retirement at 34. He should speak to Graham Gooch.

Matthew Sinclair 1 - Not good enough.

Ross Taylor 8 - Made a dazzling 120 to set up the win in Hamilton, thereafter dazzled intermittently. Easy to forget that he has played just five Tests. If Vettori's bowling deteriorates further, expect whispers of captaincy.

Jacob Oram 6 - A batting all-rounder who played as a bowler who bats. Still doesn't convince at Test level - more of a Lancashire League pro playing a bit above his comfort level.

Brendon McCullum 5 - Gilchrist-lite. Slightly too pleased with himself, poor shot selection was his undoing too often. Keeping was showy rather than safe.

Daniel Vettori 6 - A bowling all rounder who played as a batsman who bowls. Captained beautifully at Hamilton, but was less convincing in the two defeats. His lack of penetration with the ball must be worrying him.

Kyle Mills 7 - Honest trier whose decapitation of the England order in the second innings at Hamilton sealed the win.

Jeetan Patel 7 - Outbowled his captain and brought energy and commitment to the field.

Chris Martin 6 - Took wickets regularly, but never looked like a running through a side. Too one-dimensional to trouble international batsmen. Showed real guts to allow Southee's cameo after a clout on the head.

Tim Southee 8 - Bowled a superb opening spell at Napier, then played an Astlesque innings when the game was up. Beautiful action, tremendous hand-eye coordination, wonderful temperament, big, strong boy - what more can one ask of a teenage cricketer?

Mark Gillespie and Grant Elliot 1 - Not Test cricketers on this evidence.

[The Tooting Trumpet] [Image: Getty]

 

England defeat New Zealand and seal the series

Third Test, Napier, England won by 121 runs

It took only a session and a bit for England to seal the victory in the Third Test match and with it a 2-1 victory in the series.  Monty Panesar finally returned some decent figures this winter, taking 6-126, including most of the Kiwi top order

While the victory was never in doubt, there were a few jitters for England when young Tim Southee did his best impression of a Howitzer cannon, booming the ball all overe the shop to race to 77 not out, including nine sixes.  His bombastic cameo saw both Panesar and Anderson off, before England brought out ther own big gun, Sidebottom, to fittingly take the final wicket. 

This Test had a bit more of what England have been looking for; big scores with the bat, some decent bowling, professional fielding; all in all, a step in the right direction.  But as I said in a previous comment, improving from utterly shit to average is not something to get the bunting out for.

Monty Panesar gets some wickets and England close in on the most underwhelming series victory in recent history

It's nearly over.  New Zealand are fighting as hard as they have done all series, but the the fat bird is gargling with listerine and honey as she prepares to sing louder than she ever has before.

Andrew Strauss has guaranteed his place in the Test side and a juicy central contract for the next 12 months with his accomplished knock of 177 - his highest in Tests - which helped to set the Kiwis andabsolute shed-load of runs to win this match.  That ain't gonna happen.

Their reply has been dogged if pointless, and despite Monty Panesar claiming three wickets in an innings for the first time on this tour and Stuart Broad grabbing a couple with some well judged short balls, we are still heading for day five.

Oh, and James "False Dawn" Anderson has been carted all over the park again.

Seconds out, it's Harmison vs Boycott!!

Ladeees and gennlemen, welcome to the main event of the evening.  In the blue corner: the Barnsley Brawler, the Count of Clout - Sir Geoffrey Boycott.  In the red corner: the Ashington Arm, the Baron of Broken Fingers - Stephen J Harmison.

Round One: Both men come out, they shuffle forward, Boycott leads with "Since the Ashes series of 2005 he has been poor, indifferent to bad. He's not got enough wickets and been given so many chances,".  Harmy is stung but on his feet, he counters with an overhand, "inside the dressing room he has no status, he is just an accent, some sort of caricature of a professional Yorkshireman."

Round Two:  Harmison decides to go on the attack, snapping out a fast ""You get the feeling that Boycott is an insecure man who needs to be heard."  That has rocked the old fella!  But you don't last as long as the Boycs without being able to absorb a bit of punishment and he throws back "If he gets a central contract this summer over some of the new kids, or any sort of central contract, then a lot of us will be screaming: favouritism and a total waste of money."

Round Three:  Time for the big shots to come out, with Boycott throwing eveything into, "England should forget him."  But Harmison pulls an astounding blow from nowhere, "You say that if England give me another central contract come October that would be waste of money. To me, you are a waste of space."  And that has put the wily old campaigner on the canvas, he'll struggle to get up from there. 

He's still right though.

Sidebottom decides that if no-one else is going to bother their arse winning this match then he'll do it himself

Many clichés have such a classification because they are true; and judging by the second day of play in the Third Test, the cricket classic of "never judge a wicket until both sides have batted on it" is fully justified in having such status.  It's not exactly the batter's paradise everyone predicted at Napier - more a batter's dystopia.

New Zealand capitulated in the face of a monstrously terrifying display of seam and swing bowling from England's new hero Ryan Sidebottom.  The Yorkshireman's fabulous spell of 7-47 means that England as a team are right back in this match, and Sidebottom as a player has a five-fer in every Test of this enthralling series to go with his super-powers and lovely mane.  In more depressing news, James Anderson has returned to his default 'cow's arse and banjo' bowling setting, going for 7.74 an over.

Daniel Vettori will be crying salt tears onto the pages of whatever highbrow text he is reading tonight after watching his team squander a superb position following the England (minus KP) collapse on day one. At one point his team were 93-1; they were all out for 168.  Are you England in disguise?  Bell and Sinclair were again out cheaply.  Both look as out of place in international cricket as a pork chop at a Bah Mitzvah.

Michael Vaughan will be more worried about his own form, which is moving from bad to woeful, and that of the batsmen in general.  He cannot expect his bowlers to continue to dig him out of the increasingly large runless holes that the top of the order continue to dump the side in.

Overall day two ratings:
England - GOOD
New Zealand - SHIT

Thank every God you believe in for Kevin Pietersen

To quote directly from cricinfo's commentary of the dismissal of KP for 129; "without him England would be a complete shambles as opposed to only being a moderate one".  Probably the best pithy summing up of a day's play I have heard for a while.

I held my breath as the coin went up, hoping that finally Vaughan would win a toss and his correct call was greeted in my house with a contented slump into the sofa.  Have I learned nothing from my years as an Englishman?

Young Kiwi debutants Southee and Elliott could not have dreamed of a better start to their international careers, as top batsmen (and Andrew Strauss) gave their wickets away with greater ease than a high school girl's knickers on prom night.  Vaughan played round a straight one; Strauss drove without moving his feet (AGAIN) to gully; Cook inside edged a full one onto his stump; Bell flat batted a waist high wide one straight to the bowler; and Collingwood slapped a good length ball to backward point.  Every single one of these dismissals could and should have been avoided.

A decent total is now in the hands of Stuart Broad, who looks good for his 42, and Ryan Sidebottom who usually does no more than hold up and end.

As a writer it is hard to keep finding new synonyms to describe these woeful showings by England; today's selection is: hideous.

England vs New Zealand: Third Test injury update

The all-important third and final installment of the current Test series kicks off tonight in Napier.  England were hoping to the name the same side, whereas New Zealand are praying they can name the same side as they only have 14 other cricketers in the whole country.

How are the injury worries for the two sides holding up? Find out after the jump..

England
James Anderson - famously twanged his ankle last week playing football in the warm down.  Quite why he needed to warm down after being sat reading the paper all day as the number 11 bat is still to be adequately explained.  FIT

Paul  Collingwood - Had a bit of a scare with his calf and required a scan.  The scan revealed what we all know: he is made out of granite and will therefore play.  FIT

New Zealand
Jacob Oram - The big-allrounder has been ruled out with a "hip problem".  More likely that the government have pulled him in to get an update on the bionic bowling arm they gave him in a top secret project.  CROCKED

Kyle Mills - The only paceman, other than Oram, who as looked threatening.  Not as threatening as the knee-knack he has picked up.  CROCKED

Mark Gillespie - Dropped simply for being SHIT.

Second Test: England SHIT/GOOD™ Player ratings

You all know the score by now; we put the data in, the computer gives us a rating. Remember that player can only be SHIT or GOOD, there is no in-between and the line has to be drawn somewhere.   

Alistair Cook – Looked nervous and failed to make real headway after decent starts.  He is now the youngest England player to reach 2000 Test runs, supporters would by happier if he managed to add 100 in a single innings at the moment. SHIT

Michael Vaughan – Still to convince fully since his armchair ride back into the side against West Indies last Spring.  Increasingly comedic hair is nor helping either.  SHIT

Andrew SHIT Strauss – Traditionally you play your best bat at three, unless you are England at the minute. Terrible last year; had the winter off; still terrible.  And still playing round his pad.  SO VERY VERY SHIT

Kevin Pietersen – Needs to get angry again.  Looks about as excited as a gay bloke in Stringfellow’s when at the crease and dropped a howler in the field.  Must be better – SHIT

Ian Bell – Lovely technique, compact player, looks the part. Unfortunately if these criteria made you a successful Test bat then Tony Cottey would have a number of caps.  Only seems to play when the pressure is off and if his conversion rate is still as poor after the home NZ he should be gone.  He won’t be though.  SHIT

Paul Collingwood – Dogged as ever and cleaned up a frustrating tail in the first innings with his bowling. Moved to six in the order which suggests that he is the worst batsmen in the eyes of the selectors.  I assume their eyes are either closed, blind or had vinegar squirted in them.  GOOD

Tim Ambrose – A tale of two innings in every sense for the little Aussie.  Scored a match-winning ton in the first and kept wicket beautifully.  Out cheaply in the second and missed a catch and a stumping.  However, match-winning is the watchword here.  GOOD

Stuart Broad – I have been largely unconvinced by Broad, but I think now I may have been a bit hasty.  This performance simply made me feel that we have wasted two years of this lad while persevering with the chronic Harmison.   Batting needs to improve though, maybe his dad can help.  GOOD

Ryan Sidebottom – Continues to be a breath of hairy ginger fresh air to a side that needs a talisman at the moment.  Matthew Hoggard with a bit more pace, which might not sound like a great compliment, but it is. GOOD

Monty Panesar – Gifted his only wicket at the end when McCullum attempted to launch him over the Tasman Sea; other than that pretty average on a spin-unfriendly pitch.  Fielded like a donkey with its hay spiked with rohypnol.  SHIT

James Anderson – A fabulous display in the first innings as he accounted for the top five with genuine wicket-taking balls; slightly subdued in the second due to knacking his ankle playing football.  No, I don’t know why they were playing it either.  GOOD

England win by 126 runs and regain some self-respect

An excellent bowling display by the controversial new England attack has given the tourists victory over a very average looking New Zealand.  Prior to this performance, many would have the view that Hoggard, now fully fit, may have made his way back into the side for Napier - now we are not so sure.

There are still issues with the batting though. Tim Ambrose's ton in the first innings looks like it was the matchwinner, as without it the new bowlers would not have had such an arm-relaxing total to bowl at. 

Vettori will be rethinking his decision to field first, and judging by the amount of dreck served up by Gillespie, the ruling body must be regretting their decision to leave out Shane Bond and Andre Adams.

Onward to Napier now, with momentum swinging back towards England faster than an apology from a husband caught in bed with his wife's sister.

England field like blind woodsmen with no hands

Why can England never get all three elements of their game working at one time?  They are probably going to win this Test match as shown by the SHIT/GOOD™ analyses, but fielding like this against any other side, or in any other game situation, will be the cricketing equivalent of inviting a burglar into your home and helping him pack up his van with your stuff.

Eng vs NZ, Second Test, Day 3 - the SHIT/GOOD™ analysis

The new computer is on the blink and unable to analyse the data from yesterday's play - typical.  However, dedicated person that I am, and knowing you would all be waiting for the SHIT/GOOD™ analysis, I have spent the last two hours working it out manually.  I won't bore you with how I did it; but it basically involved an abacus, a ruler, some spreadsheets and dividing everything by Peter Such's batting average.

Anyway, the results are here and it's another good day for England.  Morning and afternoon sessions both scored GOOD, despite Andrew Strauss getting out playing round his pad to the straightening ball AGAIN (so the time away from the team hasn't sorted that).  The evening session would also have received such a rating if it wasn't for the dopey Jimmy Anderson knacking his ankle playing football.   What the hell are they playing at?

So, after a  GOOD-GOOD-SHIT day three, the overall match for England is GOOD 6 SHIT 2.  There would have to be a biblical amount of SHIT for England to lose from here. 

Eng vs NZ, Second Test, Day 2 - the SHIT/GOOD™ analysis

Here in The Googly dungeon we are at the bleeding edge of cricket technology.  As evidence of this we have installed a new computer than can analyse up to an incredible 3.5 streams of data at any one time to perform the patented SHIT/GOOD™ analysis.

On Day One, our computer told us that the three sessions for England went GOOD-SHIT-GOOD.  Today, the output is more positive with the mighty silicon beast rating sessions for the Three Lions as GOOD-GOOD-GOOD.  Due in most part to Jimmy Anderson working hard to eradicate the usual SHIT from his individual display.  However, Daniel Vettori (whose current batting average of about 347.8) still managed to get 50.

So, going into day three the score for England is GOOD 4 SHIT 1.  Let's hope there is not what the computer instructions refer to as a SHIT OVERLOAD in the remaining days. 

Sir Richard Hadlee shows that not only Jacob Oram can frighten the life out of England batsmen

England in Good-Shit-Good form

If England's sessions today go anything like yesterday: good morning-shit afternoon-good evening, then at least we should get a half decent total for the Kiwis to chase.  Of course, the only thing predictable about England is their inconsistency.

As I've just written this, Ambrose has got his ton and then promptly got out, edging Kyle Mills to second slip. 

So begins another weary day...

Second Test, day one; England 79-0 (lunch)

That's better isn't it?  Decent scoring rate, nobody out, the Kiwis looking poor- basically everything England expected before the tour began and they had their arses handed to them in Hamilton.

Cook (43) and Vaughan (32) look as comfortable as can be, owing mostly to a pretty poor bowling effort from New Zealand after Vettori put England in.  I bet he's fuming over his sandwiches as I write.

We'll now see if this pair can put on a decent score in conditions that look perfect for batting, something evey England batsman has failed to do of late.

Cricket Venn: Steve Harmison

Hoggard and Harmison given the axe by England

Well I didn't see that one coming.  Harmison getting the boot is fully justified as his form has been poor for two years.  But the omission of Hoggard is harsh: he has done enough throughout his time in the team to allow for the fact that Hamilton could be just a bad few days at the office.  That said, regardless of form, neither of them look anywhere near fit.

It is indicative of England's troubles at the moment that they have been forced to replace a misfiring quick who has lost his pace with a misfiring young quick who is yet to find genuine pace and a workhorse swinger with a largely inaccurate swinger.  Doesn't exactly fill you with hope and excitement does it?

Also, is it not slightly strange that after a batting performance that first ran at two an over, then crumpled for 110, the personnel remains unchanged?  Let me know what you think.

Cricket Snapshot: "I'm not talking to you"

It's looking distinctly frosty between the coach and alleged frontline bowler in training today

England vs New Zealand, day five, video highlights

Face the horror/enjoy the trouncing* all over again

*Delete as appropriate

Harmison likely out for England (hooray!); Stuart Broad in (oh...)

Mardy-knickers Harmison looks likely to get the chop for the second Test in Wellington, which we would all welcome.  However, he is likely to be replaced by Stuart Broad, a bowler who I am yet to be convinced by, epecially when you consider this flowchart analysis of his recent one-day form:

Are you happy with Broad?

Ahh, that's better; England are rubbish at cricket again

Will I never learn?  At the end of the fourth day's play in Hamilton I was genuinely thinking to myself that 'if we could get Patel out cheaply, then we could be chasing less than 300 hundred to win, and on this wicket thare's a chance that is achievable, and ... catch yourself on big lad, this is England.'  How right I was in the end.

First of all, Vettori and Patel hung around for another 30 runs and then England were skittled for 110 with a scorecard that reads: 13, 9, 2, 6, 54* (well done Ian Bell), 2, 0, 0 , 4, 1, 8; the third highest score in the innings was not in fact Vaughan's 9, but "Extras" with a monstrous 11 runs.  Pitiful. 

The damage was done not by the spinners, as you might expect on a day five pitch, instead the batting was annihilated by the twin cannons of Kyle Mills and Chris Martin.  Mills was the pick of the two, particularly in his opening spell of 10-3-11-4.

New Zealand played smarter cricket thoughout this whole match; bowling with more control, fielding with more dynamism and batting with more nous and skill.  England looked hapless from the very first day, with a bit of honest, accurate endeavour from Sidebottom on day four as the only glimmer of light.  I'm at a loss to know why; are they undercooked? Out of form?  Simply a load of shit and this is the best we can expect?

One thing I know is certain; we are nearly a year into the reign of Peter Moores and not one single player has got any better under his stewardship.  The selection of Ryan Sidebottom apart, the team has simply got worse.

The secret of Alastair Cook's new fielding prowess

There have been a few theories floated about why Ali Cook has suddenly discovered a talent for spectacular catches after spending much of his young career having hands like feet.  Vic Marks in the Guardian has ventured the argument that he is simply happier fielding at gully; and a bloke in the pub last night reasoned that he might have changed to a better pair of sunglasses.

However, they are both wrong, as the reason for such a dramatic turnaround of skill is more fundamental.  Peter Moores has long been a coach at the bleeding edge of technology and innovation and it from this arena that he has transformed Cook - literally.  The Googly has discovered that the real Ali Cook has been replaced by AliCookatron 2.0, an android, for the purposes of fielding. 

After his wicket is taken, Cook is whisked away to his hotel room where he watches England field, complete with his bionic replacement in the Gully.  Nobody has noticed so far due to Cook's generally robotic demeamour.

Shit lookalikes: Michael Vaughan & Professor Hugo Agogo from Batfink

One of them is a mastermind often let down by the ineptitude of his sidekicks, the other one is Professor Hugo Agogo from Batfink.

Your Say! Steve Harmison's future

Harmison (right, wondering why the ball hates his so) is a shadow of his former self at the moment.  But is it time for him to be dropped?  You tell us.

England are still a bit rubbish, but manage to keep themselves in the game

Jamie How was amazed by how long it took Harmison's first ball to reach him

That's the first day over then.  I'll own up to the fact that I fell asleep just after Alastair Cook's spectacular catch to dismiss Stephen Fleming; but given what had been on show in the first session and a bit, can you blame me?

It was a decent toss to win this one and England were lucky that Cook decided today was the day that he would figure out how to field to a decent standard, because the bowling was mediocre in the extreme.

Steve Harmison now seems to have given up bowling wides and bouncers fast and is instead concentrating on bowling at 75-80mph with variable accuracy; Hoggy did he yeoman best as usual; Sideshow picked up some wickets and frustrated the batsmen a bit; and Monty did a pretty decent first innings spinner's containing job.  All of which was adequate against a side as bog-standard as NZ - but England won't be playing NZ come the summer and if they bowl like this on the opening day of a Test against SA they are going to get clobbered.

I'll be tuning in again tonight.  Hopefully Harmison has had the bollocking of his life and will start bowling fast.  Even with his pace he has been pretty garbage for the past two years; take away his pace and all you're left with is a gangly bloke from Durham who can't bowl straight.

The Googly England team

Moores: "Owais! The Googly is giving you the thumbs up but I won't be"

After what seems like about eight months, England are finally about to play a Test again.  This situation renders all the recent (general lack of) form in the ODIs largely pointless.  The Test boys have flown in and Peter Moores is employing sudoku-like logic equations to discover the combination that shortens the England tail.  No luck so far.

This is the team The Googly would put out; with the team I expect to actually turn out after the jump.  Which team would you go with?  Let us know..

Cook, Vaughan, Shah, KP, Bell, Colly, Ambrose, Sidebottom, Harmy, Hoggard, Monty

Andrew Strauss
Alastair Cook
Michael Vaughan
KP
Colly
Bell
Ambrose
Sidebottom
Harmy
Hoggard
Monty

Video: Remember what happened last time England had a weak attack against New Zealand?

This happened, that's what.  Nathan Astle tonked 222, the fastest double hundred in Test history.

Good news for the bloke who calculates the extras: Ryan Sidebottom is fit for England

Sidebottom wonders where that last Harmy delivery has gone

Ryan Sidebottom has recovered in time to play for England against New Zealand in the First Test which kicks off on Wednesday at some 9:30pm (GMT).   The curly-topped adonis has managed to overcome a bout of hamstring-knack to line up for his team.

Thankfully, this means that there will be two seamers in the team who do not think that control is a ridulously overhyped biopic about a overrated early 80s British band.   This will offset Steve Harmison and Jimmy Anderson's cow's arse and banjo tendencies very nicely.