The Googly

Thunder Downunder: Last Hurrah

Obviously the crew at the Shed aren't the only souls upset at the closing of The Googly on the eve of the northern international summer. Sreesanth's pink Punjabi pyjamas has caused his feminine side to shine and upon hearing of the council decision to condemn, demolish and redevelop the dungeon he couldn't hold back the tears when his boyfriend told him the sad but inevitable news.

I propose a last ditch caption contest for this photograph. Give us your best shot and celebrate what has been one of the funniest blogs in the English blogging pavilion.

At the Shed, we will be soldiering on at 99.94 with regular contributions from The Tooting Trumpet and if we win the lottery and hide his drumsticks, perhaps the esteemed editor of this publication too.

It's been a fun ride. I'm sure we'll all cross paths again. And anything that makes Sreesanth sook, in my book, can't be all bad!

[Nesta Quin]

Grass roots cricket is the place to be

This is my farewell piece here for the Googly and it's hard to know where to begin or what to write.  With only one piece left, I wondered whether to continue with the off-stage antics of Shane Warne - thinking the tram-crash fest in Melbourne last week - or whether to write about something closer to home.

I've chosen home because I'm sure you all know about the other thing! So last weekend I went to our season opener. A triangualar tournament of Twenty/20s between Lossie, Elgin and Fochabers. What a day to open the cricket season. Minus about 10, no-one there but me and the prettiest ground in the north-east looking dreadful because all the trees are still in full winter mode.

A ground that delights in being situated beside the Spey and lined on all sides by lovely trees was left looking like a 12 year-old's football playground at the side of the A96!

It didn't matter - my team hammered the opposition to win their matches and to my surprise, enchanted with some damn fine cricket. The match I'd been to before this had been Australia v India at the MCG. Sitting in the sun there, I had been entranced at the sight of Ishant Sharma befooling the Aussies with his magnificant bowling, and equally been impressed by Gilchrist walking when palpably not out. Last weekend, everyone out walked before the umpires even gave them out. It was cricket as I know it.

There could be no greater contrast between freezing to death at Fochabers, and having to leave the MCG because it was too hot. Amateurs playing for nothing but the love of the game - professionals earning their livings, but there was something that made these two experiences the same. I was the fan at both matches. I cared. In fact I probably applauded my mate Dave with more enthusiasm when he got a wicket than I did Ishant.

This may be the end of The Googly, but it won't be the end of fans wanting to have a voice.

It's been great fun being part of this and I hope all readers will find their way to other sites. Here at The Googly we have directed readers to check out many up and coming England cricketers - so follow our stars. Last year Toots and I brought you all the news of the County Cricket and hopefully you enjoyed that. Keep the faith. County Cricket is not dead. Outside the Counties, not just here in Scotland, cricket is a fine place to be. See this little song from someone in Oxford:

If you go down to the Parks tomorrow, you’re sure of a big surprise,

If you go down to the Parks tomorrow, you’d better go down in whites,

For ev’ry fan that ever there was, will gather there for certain, because

Tomorrow’s the day the Oxford UCCE play Nottinghamshire

Ev’ry cricket fan who’s been good, Is sure to see 3

England

players,

Including a leading wicket taker, and lots of runs beside

Beneath the spires where nobody works, they’ll bat and field as long as they please,

Cos that the way the cricketers have their innings.

All the best to my readers. Follow the links and you'll find me elsewhere.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig}

IPL: Sehwag tonks 4 6 4 6 4 6 off Symonds

Titanic Triples: Sir Len Hutton, 364 vs Aus, Oval 1938

Not to be outdone by The Don, The Len takes it upon himself to beat the Aussie's record in the fifth Ashes Test in 1938.

The continuing adventures of Shane Warne

Not so very long ago, The Googly's Australian correspondent reported on Shane Warne's decision to spend his precious time not with Hampshire (to whom he was contracted and had PROMISED to return to this summer), but earning a few much needed dollars playing for the IPL and of course the poker.

While musing on Shane's betrayal of his Hampshire fans, I stumbled (thanks to a message from a much-respected Australian cricket writer who I couldn't possibly name, because then I'd have to kill you all!), on a show that said journalist had just been to see in Melbourne. Yes! Shane Warne: The Musical.

Now, while this might sound fairly mad, I found it utterly believable having been in Melbourne just a few short weeks ago and found a show on called "Paul Keating: The Musical". On investigation I find that this Warne show has been in the making for several years. Its instigator, Eddie Perfect (the man behind "Paul Keating"), felt that Shane's extra-curricular activities were just the thing for a comedy musical. Well, it's hard to argue with that. Text messages of a lewd nature obviously lend themselves to song and dance.

Eddie said about the show before it opened: "The musical is about the big issues of success and failure, the pressure of public scrutiny, over-indulgence, being an Australian male and the heartbreak that comes with falling short of getting everything one wants."

Australian playwright Toby Schmitz has co-written the script and Mr Perfect has bagged the role of Shane for himself.

We have no inside information on what Shane thinks of this extravaganza, but according to my Aussie journalist friend, it was FAB and will be heading to this year's Edinburgh Festival. YES!! No Warnie at The Rosebowl but great laughs to be had in Scotland.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Why I don't like... Two Test Series

There's little that can gladden the hearts of followers of the greatest game than to read of a renaissance in West Indian Test cricket. Alas the Queen's Park Oval appeared to be populated with more dancing girls than cricket fans, but that did not stop Ramneresh Sarwan, supported by Shiv Chanderpaul and others reaching their target of 254 to level the Sri Lankan series 1-1. I looked forward avidly to the showdown next week where the spoils would be decided and (possibly) a new dawn at last hailed.

But no. In their infinite wisdom, the ICC's Future Tours programme saw fit to truncate this "series" to two Tests, and so deny us (and the Windies' worldwide followers) the chance to see a positive result. Shame on them.

And in case you think this is a one-off and see the malign hand of the IPL in play, here are some upcoming two / four Test series: Australia in West Indies (four Tests, April 2008); South Africa in England (four Tests, July 2008); Australia in India (four Tests, October 2008); New Zealand in Australia (two Tests, November 2008). I'm afraid there's plenty more such coitus interuptus to come.

[The Tooting Trumpet]   

Thunder Downunder: West Indies tour squad announced

In their infinite collective wisdom the Australian selection committee recently announced the touring squad to tour the West Indies beginning in May.

There were few surprises in the squad with Simon Katich and Stuart MacGill returning to the Test squad and David Hussey and Shaun Marsh earning their first tour with the ODI squad.

Most interest has centred on 25 year old left-arm wrist spinner Beau Casson. Like MacGill, Casson left his home state of Western Australia to try his luck on the big turning Sydney pitch and after only one complete season it has paid a handsome dividend.

Capable of prodigious turn and with a well disguised wrong'un Casson is also a more than handy bat as his 88 in the Pura Cup final showed.

It is a grand chance for the young man to race ahead of young spinning rivals Dan Cullen and Cullen Bailey and if MacGill, only two matches back from surgery, aggravates his tender wrist then Beau Casson may get a red carpet ride into the Baggygreen brigade.  Full squads over the jump...

TEST SQUAD
Ricky Ponting (c) TAS 33yrs
Michael Clarke (vc) NSW 26yrs
Beau Casson NSW 25 yrs
Stuart Clark NSW 32 yrs
Brad Haddin (wk) NSW 30yrs
Matthew Hayden QLD 36yrs
Ben Hilfenhaus TAS 25yrs
Michael Hussey WA 32yrs
Phil Jaques NSW 28yrs
Michell Johnson QLD 26yrs
Simon Katich NSW 32yrs
Brett Lee NSW 31yrs
Stuart MacGill NSW 37yrs
Ashley Noffke QLD 30yrs
Andrew Symonds QLD 32yrs

LIMITED OVERS SQUAD
Ricky Ponting (c) TAS 33yrs
Michael Clarke (vc) NSW 26yrs
Nathan Bracken NSW 30yrs
Stuart Clark NSW 32 yrs
Brad Haddin (wk) NSW 30yrs
Matthew Hayden QLD 36yrs
James Hopes QLD 29yrs
David Hussey VIC 30yrs
Michael Hussey WA 32yrs
Michell Johnson QLD 26yrs
Brett Lee NSW 31yrs
Shaun Marsh WA 24yrs
Andrew Symonds QLD 32yrs
Cameron White VIC 24yrs

[Nesta Quin] [Image:Getty]

Titanic Triples: Don Bradman, 334 vs England, 1930

In celebration of Sehwag's magnificent effort, let's take a look at other great triple-centuries.  Starting with The Don breaking the world record back in 1930 at Headingley.

Thunder Downunder: Warne Walks

In what is probably a augury tale in regards to English County cricket, Shane Warne has opted out on the final year of his not so insignificant contract with Hampshire for business and personal reasons.

However, Shane will still be playing cricket for the Jaipur based Rajasthan Royals in the Indian Premier League that begins in around three weeks time.

Warne has been instrumental in recruiting his Hampshire team-mates Dimi Mascarenhas and Shane Watson to Jaipur and I can only imagine that Hampshire chairman Rod Brangrove is less than impressed with Warne’s actions despite his diplomatic public utterings.

The rupee-laden Indian T20 tournaments, both official and unsanctioned, are affecting cricket at the top levels in a way that we haven’t seen since the 1970’s with World Series Cricket and the 1980’s with the questionable rebel tours to the then Apartheid dominated South Africa.

In the last few weeks we have seen New Zealand and South Africa field less than their best teams in Test matches and it would seem that only the richest cricketing nations will be able to prevent their best players from falling to the temptation of easy money on the sub-continent.

Cricket Australia, well aware of the long-term damage that rebel organisations can cause to the game, have so far been willing to accomodate their best players but a few fringe players have opted out of contracts to take a full-time place in India.

Jason Gillespie while still contracted to the national board retired from first-class cricket and is now preparing to play in India. Brad Hogg likewise. There is a suspicion that Adam Gilchrist’s decision to retire was made all the easier by the truckloads of cash he will receive in India.

There are rumblings in England that there could soon be a player revolt at many of their best players missing out on the gold rush and if that happens, and here at The Shed we hope it does not, then only Australia and India will be relatively unaffected by this new league.

Although I am anticipating the IPL with some enthusiasm I’m beginning to see the dangers it holds for the rest of the cricketing landscape. I can see a time in the not so distant future where only two or three nations reguarly compete year round with their best eleven.

And that, however you look at it, cannot be good for the game of cricket.

[Nesta Quin]

Praveen Kumar credits his cricketing career to a wooden plank

Young Praveen Kumar, he of the 10 wickets in the recent CB Series, is a talented 21-year-old bowler at the forefront of MS Dhoni's radical new ODI team.  However, it may not have been this way if it wasn't for an old plank of wood.

It seems that all of Praveen's family are wrestlers and wanted the young man to follow in their footsteps of wearing spandex and poorly-acting out banal and pointless feuds on television.  Or it could have been the other type of wrestling, that one in the Olympics.  Either way they were so unhappy about the youngster taking up the greatest game that they refused even to buy him a bat.  But that wasn't going to stop him.

"I found this broken wooden plank on the rooftop of my house." the medium-pacer said, "I had one Rupee with me... I took along a cousin and got the plank moulded into a bat at a nearby carpenter's shop."

The rest, as they say, is history.  As Roy Castle once said: dedication, that's what you need.  I do wonder if his family is still speaking to him though...

IPL: Sehwag tonks 4 6 4 6 4 6 off Symonds

Titanic Triples: Sir Len Hutton, 364 vs Aus, Oval 1938

Not to be outdone by The Don, The Len takes it upon himself to beat the Aussie's record in the fifth Ashes Test in 1938.

The continuing adventures of Shane Warne

Not so very long ago, The Googly's Australian correspondent reported on Shane Warne's decision to spend his precious time not with Hampshire (to whom he was contracted and had PROMISED to return to this summer), but earning a few much needed dollars playing for the IPL and of course the poker.

While musing on Shane's betrayal of his Hampshire fans, I stumbled (thanks to a message from a much-respected Australian cricket writer who I couldn't possibly name, because then I'd have to kill you all!), on a show that said journalist had just been to see in Melbourne. Yes! Shane Warne: The Musical.

Now, while this might sound fairly mad, I found it utterly believable having been in Melbourne just a few short weeks ago and found a show on called "Paul Keating: The Musical". On investigation I find that this Warne show has been in the making for several years. Its instigator, Eddie Perfect (the man behind "Paul Keating"), felt that Shane's extra-curricular activities were just the thing for a comedy musical. Well, it's hard to argue with that. Text messages of a lewd nature obviously lend themselves to song and dance.

Eddie said about the show before it opened: "The musical is about the big issues of success and failure, the pressure of public scrutiny, over-indulgence, being an Australian male and the heartbreak that comes with falling short of getting everything one wants."

Australian playwright Toby Schmitz has co-written the script and Mr Perfect has bagged the role of Shane for himself.

We have no inside information on what Shane thinks of this extravaganza, but according to my Aussie journalist friend, it was FAB and will be heading to this year's Edinburgh Festival. YES!! No Warnie at The Rosebowl but great laughs to be had in Scotland.

[Image: Getty] [mimitig]

Why I don't like... Two Test Series

There's little that can gladden the hearts of followers of the greatest game than to read of a renaissance in West Indian Test cricket. Alas the Queen's Park Oval appeared to be populated with more dancing girls than cricket fans, but that did not stop Ramneresh Sarwan, supported by Shiv Chanderpaul and others reaching their target of 254 to level the Sri Lankan series 1-1. I looked forward avidly to the showdown next week where the spoils would be decided and (possibly) a new dawn at last hailed.

But no. In their infinite wisdom, the ICC's Future Tours programme saw fit to truncate this "series" to two Tests, and so deny us (and the Windies' worldwide followers) the chance to see a positive result. Shame on them.

And in case you think this is a one-off and see the malign hand of the IPL in play, here are some upcoming two / four Test series: Australia in West Indies (four Tests, April 2008); South Africa in England (four Tests, July 2008); Australia in India (four Tests, October 2008); New Zealand in Australia (two Tests, November 2008). I'm afraid there's plenty more such coitus interuptus to come.

[The Tooting Trumpet]   

Thunder Downunder: West Indies tour squad announced

In their infinite collective wisdom the Australian selection committee recently announced the touring squad to tour the West Indies beginning in May.

There were few surprises in the squad with Simon Katich and Stuart MacGill returning to the Test squad and David Hussey and Shaun Marsh earning their first tour with the ODI squad.

Most interest has centred on 25 year old left-arm wrist spinner Beau Casson. Like MacGill, Casson left his home state of Western Australia to try his luck on the big turning Sydney pitch and after only one complete season it has paid a handsome dividend.

Capable of prodigious turn and with a well disguised wrong'un Casson is also a more than handy bat as his 88 in the Pura Cup final showed.

It is a grand chance for the young man to race ahead of young spinning rivals Dan Cullen and Cullen Bailey and if MacGill, only two matches back from surgery, aggravates his tender wrist then Beau Casson may get a red carpet ride into the Baggygreen brigade.  Full squads over the jump...

TEST SQUAD
Ricky Ponting (c) TAS 33yrs
Michael Clarke (vc) NSW 26yrs
Beau Casson NSW 25 yrs
Stuart Clark NSW 32 yrs
Brad Haddin (wk) NSW 30yrs
Matthew Hayden QLD 36yrs
Ben Hilfenhaus TAS 25yrs
Michael Hussey WA 32yrs
Phil Jaques NSW 28yrs
Michell Johnson QLD 26yrs
Simon Katich NSW 32yrs
Brett Lee NSW 31yrs
Stuart MacGill NSW 37yrs
Ashley Noffke QLD 30yrs
Andrew Symonds QLD 32yrs

LIMITED OVERS SQUAD
Ricky Ponting (c) TAS 33yrs
Michael Clarke (vc) NSW 26yrs
Nathan Bracken NSW 30yrs
Stuart Clark NSW 32 yrs
Brad Haddin (wk) NSW 30yrs
Matthew Hayden QLD 36yrs
James Hopes QLD 29yrs
David Hussey VIC 30yrs
Michael Hussey WA 32yrs
Michell Johnson QLD 26yrs
Brett Lee NSW 31yrs
Shaun Marsh WA 24yrs
Andrew Symonds QLD 32yrs
Cameron White VIC 24yrs

[Nesta Quin] [Image:Getty]

Titanic Triples: Don Bradman, 334 vs England, 1930

In celebration of Sehwag's magnificent effort, let's take a look at other great triple-centuries.  Starting with The Don breaking the world record back in 1930 at Headingley.

Thunder Downunder: Warne Walks

In what is probably a augury tale in regards to English County cricket, Shane Warne has opted out on the final year of his not so insignificant contract with Hampshire for business and personal reasons.

However, Shane will still be playing cricket for the Jaipur based Rajasthan Royals in the Indian Premier League that begins in around three weeks time.

Warne has been instrumental in recruiting his Hampshire team-mates Dimi Mascarenhas and Shane Watson to Jaipur and I can only imagine that Hampshire chairman Rod Brangrove is less than impressed with Warne’s actions despite his diplomatic public utterings.

The rupee-laden Indian T20 tournaments, both official and unsanctioned, are affecting cricket at the top levels in a way that we haven’t seen since the 1970’s with World Series Cricket and the 1980’s with the questionable rebel tours to the then Apartheid dominated South Africa.

In the last few weeks we have seen New Zealand and South Africa field less than their best teams in Test matches and it would seem that only the richest cricketing nations will be able to prevent their best players from falling to the temptation of easy money on the sub-continent.

Cricket Australia, well aware of the long-term damage that rebel organisations can cause to the game, have so far been willing to accomodate their best players but a few fringe players have opted out of contracts to take a full-time place in India.

Jason Gillespie while still contracted to the national board retired from first-class cricket and is now preparing to play in India. Brad Hogg likewise. There is a suspicion that Adam Gilchrist’s decision to retire was made all the easier by the truckloads of cash he will receive in India.

There are rumblings in England that there could soon be a player revolt at many of their best players missing out on the gold rush and if that happens, and here at The Shed we hope it does not, then only Australia and India will be relatively unaffected by this new league.

Although I am anticipating the IPL with some enthusiasm I’m beginning to see the dangers it holds for the rest of the cricketing landscape. I can see a time in the not so distant future where only two or three nations reguarly compete year round with their best eleven.

And that, however you look at it, cannot be good for the game of cricket.

[Nesta Quin]

Praveen Kumar credits his cricketing career to a wooden plank

Young Praveen Kumar, he of the 10 wickets in the recent CB Series, is a talented 21-year-old bowler at the forefront of MS Dhoni's radical new ODI team.  However, it may not have been this way if it wasn't for an old plank of wood.

It seems that all of Praveen's family are wrestlers and wanted the young man to follow in their footsteps of wearing spandex and poorly-acting out banal and pointless feuds on television.  Or it could have been the other type of wrestling, that one in the Olympics.  Either way they were so unhappy about the youngster taking up the greatest game that they refused even to buy him a bat.  But that wasn't going to stop him.

"I found this broken wooden plank on the rooftop of my house." the medium-pacer said, "I had one Rupee with me... I took along a cousin and got the plank moulded into a bat at a nearby carpenter's shop."

The rest, as they say, is history.  As Roy Castle once said: dedication, that's what you need.  I do wonder if his family is still speaking to him though...

Andrew Symonds boshes a nude man

I don't how I missed this the day it happened, but our Australian correspondent has quite rightly drawn my attention to it.  Andrew Symonds absolutely munching a streaker in the recent CB series with one of the best RL style up-and-hits I have seen since Kevin Ward retired.  Rumour has it the Roosters are on the phone to his agent, and to be fair he is the perfect physique for the game. 

The Thunder Downunder: In Memory of Old Bill

It is with a heavy heart that the crew at The Shed return from their enforced cyberspace exile. Bill Brown, Australia’s oldest surviving Test player passed away in Brisbane last night after 95 fruitful years serving his family and country with humility, courage and poise.

There are few within the Australian cricketing family that are not saddened by his demise. He was the grandfather of the baggygreen and his loss is deeply felt within the fraternity.

It is regretably the end of an era. Old Bill, as he was affectionately known, was the last surviving Australian player pre-WWII and probably our most loved former captain. Softly spoken and forever self-depreciating, Bill was a great storyteller who still made guest appearances well into his 90’s and never charged a cent for his time. His wisdom, generosity, experience and wit will be sorely missed.

An Invincible, Bill’s international career began at Trent Bridge in 1934. He was an intelligent and reliable opener who often provided the perfect foil for Bradman’s later exploits. At the crease Bill was more of an artist than a tradesman and he was renowned more for his placement than his power. In his second Test, at Lords, he secured his maiden Test century. The home of cricket was a ground that became a personal favourite.

During the first televised Test, at Lords in 1938, Bill carried his bat scoring 206 and I presume those wealthy enough to possess a television witnessed a sublime innings. No opening batsman since has achieved a greater total when not out at innings close. He once remarked that his proudest moment was when he took his grandson up to the Long Room to see his name in gold on those hallowed boards. Lords held a special place in Bill’s heart as it does for many within the cricketing world.

Like others of his generation he lost his best years and more than his fair share of mates to WWII where he served his community with distinction. A RAAF pilot who served in New Guinea during the failed Japanese invasion of Northern Australia he never marched on ANZAC Day because he felt he “didn’t do enough”.

The first match after the war was the inaugural Test against New Zealand and Bill was given the honour and responsibility of captaining the side. The year after against India at the MCG Bill was the victim of the questionable tactics of Indian bowler Vinoo Mankad for the second time in consecutive matches.

Mankaded in Sydney, Bill spoke to Vinoo about the dismissal after play and Vinoo gave his word that if there was ever to be a repeat he would warn him first. Proving himself a man with little honour Vinoo repeated the tactic, without warning, when Bill was on 99. Not unlike recent events this summer passed, there are two sides to this story. Ultimately it depends upon who you would prefer to believe. However, one fact is beyond question, Indian and Australian cricket has a long bitter history of unsportsmanlike behaviour.

Leaving that argument for another day, Old Bill was patience, strength, humility and forgiveness personified. News Ltd journalist, Robert Craddock visited him at his bedside the day before he passed on and Bill was as fearless facing death as he was confronting Japanese shrapnel or the new ball on an uncovered greentop.

Yesterday, Australia lost one of it’s greatest men. His memory will be undoubtedly cherished.

He is survived by his wife Barbara, sons Peter, Geoffrey and Steve, his 10 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren.

[Nesta Quin]

Cricket Snapshot: Mind your head

Brett Lee takes evasive action yesterday in the NSW vs Victoria Pura Cup match.  Big crowd in isn't there?

Australia - "We don't fancy being blown up, thankyou very much"

The boys receive the news about the Pakistan tour; shortly before cheering

Australia have finally done today what we have all expected for the past few months and cancelled their tour to Pakistan amid all the death, bombings and the like.

"We are very sorry that the tour could not take place at this time," Creagh O'Connor, Cricket Australia's chairman, said. "This was a difficult decision based on independent review of the circumstances prevailing in Pakistan at the moment. We wish no loss to the Pakistan Cricket Board and look forward to undertaking this tour in the near future."  By 'near future' they mean 2009; and by 'look forward to' they mean 'dread'. 

I don't know what they are so worried about, it's not like any of them are women that are likely to stand for election in the country is it?

Cricket Snapshot: India is quite pleased

Never let it be said that the Indian cricket public might overreact to One-day seires victories.

Video tribute to Adam Gilchrist

See ya Gilly.  It's been emotional...

The Harbhajan Singh one-man charm offensive continues

The head of the Australian branch of the Indian Tourist Board must love this fella. Harbhajan simply cannot do enough to ensure that the the Australian players, public and media despise him in the most vehement way imaginable. 

Not content with calling the players all sorts of names (none of which were "monkey", by the way) and gesturing to the crowd; he has now taken to combining gestures with spitting and crowd abuse with one spectator claiming he made monkey gestures, spat and said naughty things to him.

Allan Border, however, disagrees.  "I was at the ground yesterday and I was on that side of the ground and Harbhajan was copping a fair bit of stick from the crowd. I didn't notice any gestures at all and I thought he handled himself quite well to be quite honest."

So, who to believe?  I'm leaning towards Allan Border rather than some (probably drunk) spectator.  Also, as we all know, Border has a Sauron-like all-seeing eye - I can feel it's lidless glare on me now as I type this.

Cricket bat finally used for some good by the Australian public

After reporting that outside of the game in Australia, the cricket bat seems to have exclusively criminal uses, it's great to be able to report a good news story about the willow from the Antipodes.

A 14-year-old boy has used a cricket bat to fight off an alleged attempted abduction after he was grabbed by the arm while walking home from school.  The young lad from Petrie, Brisbane was attacked at 3:10pm by a bloke on a bike before executing a perfect cover-drive to the man's cranium and running off.  Good work fella!

His assailant was described being as 20 to 30 years old, with an athletic build, light brown hair with blond tips, clean-shaven, with two piercings in his right ear and a Kookaburra Blade Runner shaped dent in his head.

Matthew Hayden Invitational XI

Our picture shows Matthew Hayden proudly holding his trophy as winner of the "Andrew Symonds' Best Friend Competition 2007." (Lee - can you check if I have this right?)

Hayden is known for many things (LBW b Hoggard for example) including his oft-stated religious beliefs. As Wikipedia tells us, "Hayden is a devout Roman Catholic and says "When I’m in trouble, I ask: ‘What would Christ do?'" That's Christ not Gilchrist - everyone knows that Gilly would try to hit every ball out of the ground.

So, with due acknowledgement, since other religions are available, join the Trumpet over the jump as we build the Matthew Hayden Invitational XI.

Captain - JC himself. He (that's He) would keep wicket, gathering deliveries the way he gathers souls, and bat at seven, offering redemption to sinning specialist bats with momentum turning knocks rooted in muscular Christianity. Not unlike his near-namesake Gilchrist - though Adam is more saintly.

Coach - John the Baptist. Useful adviser, though clearly deferring the Captain. Might change cap awarding ceremonies to something wetter.

Number 1 - St Matthew. Hard-hitting left-hander and sledger-in-chief from slip. Can be relied to tell the Gospel-Truth to match referees.

Number 2 - St Andrew. Current in run of bad form due to fishing (outside off stump).

Number 3 - St Thomas. Appears class, but inability to dominate leads to doubts about his place. Cherubic looks don't help his cause.

Number 8 - St Peter. Burly, bowls a heavy ball at first change, averages 23.5 in ODIs but at a strike rate of 103. Refused to tour three times before finding favour with the Captain.

Physio - Mary Magdelene. Sorts out bowlers' feet after a long day in the field.

The Press - Pontius Pilate. They'll crucify England if they lose to New Zealand.

Banned for taking 30 pieces of silver from the ICL - Judas Ischariot.

Can Googlyers add to the XI?

[The Tooting Trumpet] [Image: Getty]

Cricket Australia don't like it that Matthew Hayden doesn't like Harbhajan Singh

Will this ever end?  After the intervew given to a Brisbane radio station yesterday, in which the stove-bothering opener said some not very nice things about the perpetual annoyance that is Harbhajan Singh, Cricket Australia have charged Hayden with "the public denigration of other players".

Interestingly, this suggests that Cricket Australia does not see denigration on the field of play to be "public", which is a little strange.  Is the oval not the most public of all parts of a cricketer's life (Ian Botham excepted)?  Players call each other rotten all day out there and yet I have never heard the Australian governing body rushing to punish them in that context.

What a strange game this is most of the time.

Matthew Hayden in "I don't like Harbhajan Singh" shock

We know that Matthew Hayden likes a lot of things: his impressive test average, cooking and God being a few of them.  But we have learned today that the giant opener is not too keen on Harbhajan Singh.  Why I do not know; I have a vague recollction of some stuff happening recently but the cricket media has been a little light on the coverage of it.

The God-bothering batsman said today, "It's been a bit of a long battle with Harbhajan, the first time I ever met him he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now. His record speaks for itself in cricket.

"There is a certain line that you can kind of go to and then you know where you push it and he just pushes it all the time. That's why he has been charged more than anyone that's ever played in the history of cricket."

Fair point, I suppose.  What's your take on this?

Ricky Ponting sees his arse at his own cheapness

The IPL auction has left many people excited (the whole of India), many others indifferent (me and the rest of the world), and Ricky Ponting in raging temper.

Punter has well and truly got the hump over his low price in the auction, especially considering how much they paid for Andrew Symonds.  "I thought I might have been able to attract a little bit more than that," Ponting said. "The fact I haven't made a lot of runs over the last couple of weeks probably hasn't helped much. But realistically we as Australian players probably won't be able to take part in the first couple of years of the event anyway."

He then went on to say that he's not even bothered, right, because he didn't want to play in their stupid league anway; and his dad is harder than their dad.

Adam Gilchrist's retirement hurts children

Gilly is a universally respected figure in cricket and any mention of his name will lead to much admiration and puffing of cheeks at the man's talent and integrity. 

However, the reverence that accompanied his retirement has splintered today as it was revealed that this action led to many children suffering a loss that no child should endure: the resignation of the blonde girl from Hi-5!

That's right folks, Charli Delaney took the wicketkeepers lead.  "Gilchrist retired the same day as my last show in Perth and I'm a cricket tragic," Delaney, 27, said. "I woke up to his speeches and it put me in a reflective mood. I thought: 'thanks Gilly'"

For shame Adam, how could you?

BCCI says jump, ICC says how high (again)

We all know sledging is an issue.  Apparently something happened with it recently in Australia, but there was so little coverage of it I can't remember the details now. 

The BCCI wants these things sorted out and has asked for a zero-tolerance policy to be introduced - the ICC have accepted.  They then asked Malcolm Speed to strip down to his boxers and perform the entire closing-scene routine from Flashdance.

Whether or not this is a good or bad idea (and for my money it is unenforcable, and any attempt to enforce it will reduce games to farce), the more worrying thing is that once again the Indian board are dictating ICC policy.

Does anyone really care about the Indian Premier League?

The auction is over, players have been bought for stupid amounts of money, the world's media have reported it and now... well, who cares?

A pointless tournament will take place at some point in the future, but who is going to be watching?  Do we really care that Adam Gilchrist is playing for Hyderabad for example?  In the US, the all-star games are a novelty that people watch but have absolutely no regard for the result. I for one cannot help thinking that this tournament is of the same ilk.

Maybe I am being too harsh.  What are your views on the IPL?  Are you going to watch?  Do you care who Andrew Symonds or MS Dhoni are playing for?

Fabulous five-fers: Simon Jones, 2005

Ah, the days when England were good.  Simon "Knee-Knack" Jones takes 5-44 at Trent Bridge in 2005.

Stephen Fleming dishes it out to Shane Warne

Supercool Stephen has today announced that he will retire at the end of the England series.  Here he is at his best with Craig McMillan in 2001-02, clobbering Warney all over the shop.

Fabulous five-fers: Brett Lee vs India 2008

Multiculturalism takes another step in Australian cricket

New South Wales will take a step into the a brave new multicultural world on Friday if they name Usman Khawaja in their side to face fellow high-flyers Victoria: Usman will be the first Muslim to play top class cricket in Australia. 

The 21-year-old is a left-handed bat and is the top run scorer in Sydney's grade cricket this season. 

Hopefully, he will at no time use the word "monkey" in any context whatsoever.

Cricket bat is weapon of choice for Aussie robbers

A cricket bat wielding gang in western Sydney has stuck the same shop four times in the last year.  During this sequence the gang has looted so much that poor Jasim Al Saedy, the shop owner, is now considering shutting down.

My suggestion is that he hires Shane Warne as a security man.  The next time the gang storm in Warney can toss a few at them, giving old Jasim time to call the cops as the robbers spend the next 20 minutes playing and missing at the zooter and the flipper.

Pissed-up Australia cricket fans to be fined

Police in Victoria have decided that they have had enough of boozy cricket fans taking them away from eating donuts and taking backhanders and are threatening to fine the rapscallions for any future transgressions.

The call follows the latest Aus vs India ODI at the MCG where 189 fans were evicted from the ground for a range of alcohol-related incidents; including being drunk, drunkenness, not being sober, and being under the influence of drink.

Superintendent John Cooke, in charge of security at the ground, said, “In the past we have just evicted patrons but now we will issue penalty notices for unruly behaviour and further prosecute through the courts if necessary."

The Barmy Army fella with the trumpet better watch out in 2011.

Geoff Boycott talks crap again, this time about Shaun Tait

We all know the decision that Shaun Tait has taken recently.  The talk from many sections of the media and public has been the usual mix of insults and lack of understanding that until now I could not be bothered to comment on as we have been through all of this with Marcus Trescothick.  But reading Sir Geoff's comments recently has forced me to speak out again.

Quoth Boycott last Friday, "When you fail and things don't go your way, that's when you've got to pick yourself up. You've got to be mentally strong, you've got to dust yourself down and you have to try again. For me, it shows a lack of character that he's given up. Instead of people saying, "We wish him well and we hope he comes back" (and we all wish that), I wish he hadn't gone away and had shown more commitment and more desire."

As usual, a situation that has all the hallmarks of a mental breakdown of some kind is made personal by Tait being accused of having some kind of flaw in his character, a weakness on the part of the person, rather than a medical problem that needs to be dealt with in the same way as any broken bone or torn ligament.

If you ask me, beating up your girlfriend "shows a lack of character" Geoffrey, rather than being brave enough to admit that you need a break from the game you love for mental health reasons.