New Zealand vs England - England SHIT/GOOD™ series ratings

The computer has been working overtime, so much so that I have had to put an extra hamster on the wheel to power it.  Here are the results.

Alastair Cook - Became the youngest England player to reach 2000 Test runs during the tour.  However, a worrying lack of ability to impose himself after decent starts at present raises a few worries, also his tentative footwork against a pretty average attack.  A high score of 60 is not good enough.  It says a lot about his class and talent that we expect so much more from him even at such a young age.  SHIT

Michael Vaughan - His hair is inexplicable, his batting mediocre, and an average of 20.50 for the series raises doubts about whether he should be opening; or even in the side on his batting alone.  But, as captain he was involved in the decision to mix up the attack after Hamilton, and he did steer the good ship England to a series win.  SHIT

Andrew Strauss - I was all ready to write a damning report about him, demanding that he be dropped so hard that he splinters his arse-bone as he lands.  Then he went and tonked his highest test score in Napier.  Amazingly, it seems to have taken him to the age of 31 to learn the straight-drive.  Has bought himself a summer in the team, for all our sakes let's hope he doesn't waste it. GOOD

Kevin Pietersen - Like Strauss, finally broke out of the top order malaise that had been the most disturbing development of the whole winter.  Still largely unconvincing and looks mostly like he can't be bothered at the moment.  Maybe the century will ignite whatever fire in him went out sometime last year.  SHIT

Ian Bell - So very fluent, so very talented, so very infuriating.  His century in Napier displayed more natural ability than perhaps anyone else in the team, but as usual it was in the second innings.  However you cannot argue with an average of 50 for the series.  Needs a minumum three centuries in the summer, all in the first innings.  GOOD

Paul Collingwood - Somehow managed to average 40 for the series despite only having a high score of 66; a consistenly average performance with the bat.  However, Colly is more than this as we all know, and his tail-destroying bowling in the second Test was useful, added to his usual contribution in the field.  GOOD (but only just)

Tim Ambrose - Match-winning century at Wellington aside, it was fairly fitful performance from the Aussie debutant.  Low scores everywhere else and some very dodgy glovework indeed at times.  Seems the problem position is still open to a solution but he will keep it for now.  GOOD

Ryan Sidebottom - What can you say?  The series where he finally cemented himself as a world-class bowler, and where would England be without him at present?  Head and shoulders above everyone with 24 wickets at 17.  Will bowl all day, any end, until his legs fall off.  SO VERY VERY GOOD

Stuart Broad - Where has he been for two years?  While persevering with a misfiring Harmison this youngster has wasted months of development time at this level.  Time he has instead spent dying his hair.  For shame. GOOD

James Anderson - One decent session of bowling in an series is not good enough.  SHIT

Monty Panesar - Not given much a chance to show what he can do until the closing act at Napier.  As always, did not fail to impress.  Fielding seems to be getting worse, which is a bit strange is it not Mr Moores? GOOD

Matthew Hoggard - Harshly dropped after a poor show in Hamilton,  will be back due to Anderson's total lack of consistency.  I have the feeling it was a fitness issue rather than a loss of class.  SHIT

Steve Harmison - The chief Boycott-baiter was finally dropped after bowling at 27mph for the whole of the Hamilton debacle.  Will there be any way back for him?  Does he really want a way back?  Do we really care?  SHIT