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10 cricket rules we wish were real

New_rules 1. No gum chewing on the field of play or in post match interviews.

2. All sledges must end with “no offence”. E.g. “You can’t bat for shit mate, no offence”

3. The word 'batsman' to be replaced with 'bastard' in commentary and on scoreboards etc. E.g. “Here’s Ian Bell, an undoubtedly talented bastard, but not a dominant enough bastard to occupy the crease in the way that the likes of Graham Thorpe did.”

4. Catches by the crowd will count, meaning players would have to be more accurate with their six-hitting by aiming for people who were asleep, old ladies, children under five or Alan Mullally.

5. Park rules apply when lesser nations such as Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and England play against the Aussies. I.e. a jumper placed halfway down the wicket so the crap players don’t have to run as far; if an Aussie hits the ball onto the roof, he’s out; each Aussie must retire at 50 runs; underarm bowling only; etc etc etc.

6. England batsmen apparently always look good in the nets, so runs scored there will count towards match totals if they get out for below 50. All unused nets runs can be carried over to the next Ashes

7. Test Captains can play a joker card at any time when their team is batting, meaning that they get Martin McCague bowling at them for five overs, both ends.

8. Any bowler that bowls more than five no-balls in an innings must spend the rest of that innings wearing a Dunce Hat, even when bowling.

9. A la dodgeball, any fielder hit with the ball on the volley who fails to catch it must leave the field. They may only return when another catch is taken.

10. The ball can only be returned to the wicketkeeper by placing it in his hand gently; anything else will be seen as an act of war and the match will be called off immediately while the heads of state meet to discuss it.

January 7, 2008 in General musings, Top Tens | Permalink | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!


And the bottom step of the stairs leading out of the pavilion should be deemed "the naughty step" and transgressors be dispatched there forthwith. With the exception of Lords where naughty people should be made to sit with the members and be forced to wear a blazer and tie. For the rest of their lives!!

Posted by: mimi | 7 Jan 2008 21:02:40

12. Any cricket player caught talking into a microphone, on or off the field, will be forced to sit through 100 roger federer press interviews in the "Say Nothing" sound proof room.

Posted by: doctorshoot | 7 Jan 2008 21:19:52

David Lloyd did propose a catch in the crowd to be 10 and out (in T20).

Posted by: TheTootingTrumpet | 7 Jan 2008 22:15:46

I think there should be a joker in Twenty20 games so that the batting team plays it at the beginning of an over, and then all runs scored in that over are doubled.

Posted by: Miriam | 8 Jan 2008 02:03:05

Great idea, Miriam!

Posted by: Zeph | 8 Jan 2008 12:20:17

There was a great idea from Kasprowicz who wanted play and misses to be penalised by the batsman removing an item of protective gear of the bowler's choosing.

Posted by: The Sultan | 8 Jan 2008 13:22:23

Sultan - Was Kasper's suggestion used in the last Test requiring Harbhajan, Punter, Bucknor and Benson to play without their brains?

Posted by: The Tooting Trumpet | 8 Jan 2008 15:12:08

Very funny cricket rules. The most popular sports in the world. Many of the more advanced rules & laws can be learned along the way and are not vital to general play.

Posted by: Adrian | 2 Mar 2009 08:50:24

Let this be fitted in there as well..

Geoffrey Boycott cannot insult his MUM..

Posted by: cricketbash | 14 Dec 2011 23:32:48

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