The Thunder Downunder: Fishing with Roy

This week an eerie hush fell over the shed. Even the cockatoos were absent from their morning routine of squawking raucously while ripping the verandah rails to shreds. Still, news has filtered through of Shane Warne’s five-for in a losing team at the beautiful Arundel Castle. Also Phil Jaques did his hopes of filling the vacant Australian opening slot no harm, scoring 124 in Worcestershire’s massive record equalling first innings total of 701 for 6 declared. Marcus North scored a fine century and snagged four wickets with his gentle off-breaks in an exciting match at Gloucester, while Victorian captain Craig White scored a ton playing for Somerset in their thrashing of Leicestershire.

In one-day action Brad Hodge continued his run of good form with 119 not out for Lancashire and the ever impressive Warne was influential with ball taking 3 for 30 from his 10 overs in Hampshire’s 2 run win against Kent.

With the off-season shenanigans in full swing and little to report on except roadkill and torrential rain, your nomadic reporter was favoured indeed when his mate Davo popped by the shed for a few cold ones. Not only did Davo have the compassion to fill the fridge but he also brought with him a DVD of a pilot television program made recently in Brisbane with the apposite title of Fishing with Roy.

In a Googly exclusive your Australian correspondent has been fortunate enough to view the show and although Davo reckons it is top secret, I am permitted to share the basic plot and a few of the gags with the good readers of the Thunder Downunder.

It begins on a perfect Queensland morning with a zooming wide-shot of a zinced-lipped Andrew 'Roy' Symonds chatting amicably with a grinning Matthew Hayden as the two big men stroll down a long wharf, tackle box and esky in hand. While boarding a spanking new 7.6 metre executive vessel at a luxurious Gold Coast canal marina, Symonds looked straight to camera and confidently exclaimed, ’G’Day. This morning on Fishing with Roy we're heading out to Stradbroke reef to rustle up some tucker that my mate Matt’s gonna cook-up for us a bit later on.’

The sparkling sunshine sprinkled transient natatorial diamonds as Roy and Haydos wrestled jocularly over the wheel. A friendly argument broke out until Andrew reminded Matt of the sinking of Our Lady. Matthew then reluctantly relinquished his hold on the wheel. Our Lady was Hayden’s 4.8 metre fishing boat that he capsized and sunk on the Stradbroke bar in 1999. That Roy was his passenger at the time and they had to swim for 90 minutes across the treacherous waters of Moreton Bay had not been forgotten. Roy finished the exchange with, ‘Look mate you almost killed us the last time you were skipper.’ Smiling a broad white-lipped grin he continued, ‘And when we swam through that school of pilchard I was secretly hoping a hungry shark mistook you for a fat seal.’

That sorted, Symonds took the wheel and charted the boat towards the Pacific Ocean. Before entering the vast aquatic wilderness Roy slowed the vessel so Matthew could lay a couple of pots in strategic locations along the river. As Matthew talked to camera about rancid flesh being irresistible to crayfish, Roy snuck up behind him as he was laying the last trap and pushed him in the drink while laughing hysterically. It became clear very early on who was the alpha male on this ship.

Cruising out to sea, salty dread ropes blowing across his face, Roy educated on various methods of tying hooks and the appropriate way to maintain your reel. He spoke with genuine excitement about different types of rod and bait selection. He was especially keen to show off his tackle box of home-made lures. His favourite a red, green, purple and white iridescent creation was made from feather of corella, lyrebird and rosella and the wing cuticle of a long dead Christmas Beetle. It was a sight to behold as he twirled it between his forefinger and thumb for the viewers, and his own, kaleidoscopic delight.

Matthew resplendently ridiculous in lime-green board shorts, yellow sponsor’s singlet, florescent orange life-jacket and sandals, reminded about the importance of the laws concerning water safety. With a wide smile he told a few anecdotes and Ricky received a grand bollocking about his comb-over and much deep chucking mirth followed.

Eventually, the fishing began and Roy was pulling them in from port and starboard, stern and bow. His knowledge of nomenclature, piscal anatomy and habitat was impressive. Matt elucidated about the environment, biodiversity and the need to leave something behind for the 2051 Ashes squad. Roy also demanded that he clean the fish. Matthew objected to this chore so Roy looked him square in the eye and said, ‘What’s the show called, mate. Fishing with Roy not Fishing with Boofhead’. With those words ringing in his ears Hayden clinically disemboweled a gasping mackerel with the same fury and ferocity he normally reserves for the new ball.

They enjoyed a beer or two and a chinwag on the return leg with a hilarious exchange of views concerning the poopdeck and touring India with Warnie. After clearing the craypots Roy expertly pulled into the wharf of a palatial Gold Coast mansion. There was much merriment as it was explained that it was Damien Martyn's place and he wasn't expecting them.

Matthew sparked up the red-brick barbeque while Roy sneaked through Marto's back door, camera in one hand, tempestuous snapping lobster in the other, and punk'd him showing his cut shot to a lively Queensland wannabe supermodel. After the initial shock and some coaxing out of the bedroom, a rueful Damien put his disheveled lass in a cab and joined the boys out the back for a feed.

Hayden all spices and sweat, cooked up a storm whilst sucking on a stubby. He displayed with an easy-going charm how to fillet, marinate and cook the meat to perfection. He chopped herb, bulb and seed with the skill, dexterity and soft hands required to play the latest of late-cuts and then dressed the fish with the imagination of a culinary tailor. It was obvious that he was just as comfortable with blade, tongs and fire as he is with willow.

Martyn, wearing loud pink Hawaiian shirt, khaki cargo pants and his ever-shining Hollywood grin, whipped up a tasty salad that his Mum taught him to make while being sledged repeatedly for his earlier dalliance with his amorous anorexic acquaintance.

The show ended with the three of them tucking in at an outdoor table on the patio as a red sun descended into the Darling Downs. Davo’s mail is that the TV executives were impressed and some episodes will be recorded professionally between the Twenty/20 World Cup and the start of the Australian season.

It was a great show for a first effort and a terrific advertisement for the Queensland way of life. It was laidback and the blokey affection Roy and Matt displayed was genuine and heartwarming. Busting Damien Martyn was special and Davo and I agree that Shane Watson attending the hairdresser would be the perfect next target to get Roy'd.

[Nesta Quin] [Image: Getty]