The Thunder Downunder: Sex, Lies and Videotape

The Googly’s editors in their infinite deep-pocketed wisdom have seen fit to belatedly employ an Australian resident to write a weekly column for this ever-growing website’s legion of loyal readers. I would like to think it was because of popular demand or my clever wit and charisma but if the truth was revealed, it was due to my less than respectable grovelling and willingness to be paid a pittance. The weak Australian dollar, Punter’s battle against alopecia and our world champion status probably had a part to play as well.

Each week I am planning to bring all the news, views and quirky events that surround the Australian cricket scene. Might even get around to discussing an actual match or two. In the meantime it is the off-season Downunder, colloquially known as brass-monkey time, and due to the lack of on-field action coupled with it being my debut, it would seem foolish to set the bar too high too early.

So for the first column let's scrape the bottom of the barrel and let me illuminate you - our cherished and curious readers - to some of the more salubrious details of the Craig McDermott sex-tape scandal.

Big Billy McDermott, the ginger haired former opening bowler of the 1980s and early 1990s has described the public knowledge of the theft of a homemade sex tape and subsequent extortion as the “most embarrassing days of my life”. Mrs Mac hasn’t spoken publicly about the ordeal but rumours are circulating that she is far from impressed with her hubby’s impotent - away from the camera at least - behaviour.

McDermott, described in the mainstream media as a millionaire Gold Coast property developer, had his luxury cruiser looted early last year and amongst the booty was the offending steamy video tape.

The thief, a sleazy goatee enthusiast named in court documents as Josef Vigan, managed to extort a reported $AU75,000 from Billy over several months. Unknown to Billy’s porn partner, his wife, McDermott met and paid the alleged criminal on several occasions at suburban locations to prevent the action being released on the internet. Your columnist can only assume that Billy’s performance was not as impressive as some of his 14 five wicket hauls in the baggygreen.

Months after the theft Mrs Mac discovered that the bank balance was a bit light and under what I presume was a heavy hitting verbal attack across the kitchen table, Billy finally informed the missus of his limp response to the blackmailer’s demands. As you would expect she was livid and the next day the Queensland police were informed. A sting was set-up and the offender, with tape in brown paper bag, was reported to have been crash-tackled in the Southport Hungry Jack's carpark a few days later.

The tape that the alleged extortionist was carrying, when played, showed him unwrapping Christmas presents under a flashing plastic pine tree. He appeared before a judge this week and has been bailed to return later on this year in the Brisbane Magistrates Court.

The offending tape is still to be found and I can guarantee the readers that the Googly Oz correspondent has a team of undercover detectives - a few of my less than respectable well-connected mates - searching far and wide to locate it. If found it will be posted and a link provided before you can orgiastically moan, Howzat.

THE GOOGLY’S OZ TEAM OF THE WEEK

Bill Johnston - Died at the age of 85 last Thursday. Wisden cricketer of the year in 1949, Bill was an integral member of Don Bradman’s 1948 Invincibles. A left-arm medium-pace bowler with the newer ball and a canny finger spinner with the old, he played 40 Tests in the baggygreen between 1947 and 1955, taking 160 wickets at 23.91. An intelligent, humble and good-humoured gentleman, Bill will be sadly missed by all who knew him. Rest in peace old Bill, you served your country and family with distinction and set a living example for us all to follow.

The ICC Intercontinental Cup - A fantastic tournament came to an end when Ireland played Canada in the final. Fittingly for a final, Australians were in charge of both teams.

Craig McDermott - An even redder face and 75 grand lighter for being caught with his boat unlocked and his pants down.

Luke Butterworth - Tasmania’s hero of the Pura Cup finally knocked back the offer to play the off-season in England to begin his studies at University. He is studying to be a teacher and would like to work at his alma mater, Bridgewater Public School situated on the rough and tumble side of Hobart Town.

Trent Johnstone - The Wollongong born Irish skipper bowled brilliantly with the new ball against Canada taking 4 for 12 off 10 overs on the first morning to set up the innings and 115 run shellacking.

Jeremy Bray - The former New South Welshman scored a match defining 146 from 152 balls in an aggressive 3 hour innings, scoring 54 more than the entire Canadian team in the first innings of Intercontinental Cup Final played at Grace Road.

Tom Moody - Tipped by the team at the Oz Googly months ago, the prodigal son returns to his native Western Australia to coach his beloved Warriors in their tilt to bring some silverware back to the WACA. The pundits in the rest of media, most of them English, who were certain that he would coach in England can now apologise via our email address. Wishful thinking chaps.

Shane Warne - After the recent Hampshire v Lancashire fixture, the spin king was ambushed with his three children by fans in the carpark. SKW signed every autograph, smiled in every photograph and chatted with the fans for over an hour. Googly spies reveal that halfway through Warnie’s lovefest Freddie Flintoff appeared and jogged straight onto the bus never to reappear, much to his adoring fans, most of them kiddies, disappointment.

John Wright - The former Black Caps opening bat and Indian coach is tipped to take up residence in sunny Brisbane and head the Centre of Excellence replacing the now Australian coach Tim Neilsen. Not a popular decision in the land of the long white cloud but the Aussies at the Googly would like to say, good onya John.

Ron Archer - Sadly another Australian Test player who passed away this week. The younger of Queensland's only baggygreen brothers, Ron played 19 Tests between 1953-56 until a serious knee injury wrecked his career the week before his 23rd birthday. The injury was inflicted when his boot caught in the matting that covered the concrete Karachi pitch in Australia's inaugural Test against Pakistan. It was an avoidable tragedy and he never bowled again. He is survived by wife Margaret and daughters Jacklyn and Jo-Ellen.

Joe Scuderi - The descendent of Innisfail immigrant cane cutters and original inductee to the Australian Cricket Academy arrived in Darwin this week to skipper the Italian side in their gallant quest for qualification to the 2011 World Cup.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"A better team man you couldn't get." The youngest Invincible Neil Harvey pays tribute his old mate and one of Australia’s finest men Bill Johnston after his sad passing this week. Johnston’s death leaves only five remaining squad members of Australia’s greatest team, The 1948 Invincibles. All of us in the Australian Googly sheds concur, and would like to express our sincerest condolences to his family and loved ones.

[Nesta Quin] {Image:Getty}