Cricket World Cup, dressing room tapes: England, Easter Sunday evening

After an extraordinary series of events over the past few days when we have seen our moles and hobbits chased from the hotel by Duncan Fletcher and Michael Vaughan swearing that they'll "(expletive deleted) kill anyone who leaks", it is miraculous that yet again our heroes have found a way to infiltrate the England dressing-room and gain some insight into how the team is feeling.

With the threats hanging over us, we should take this opportunity to make it clear that none of our reports have been authorised in any way, and we are not in the pay of any press barons. I thank you. We just feel, as all England fans feel, that we are entitled to use whatever underhand means are at our disposal to bring you the information you need.

(much hissing and background noise - gradually the tape becomes clearer)

Michael Vaughan:  that was bad, boys, that was really bad. We're really up against it now, and if it weren't for that freak result with the Bangla boys yesterday, we'd be long gone. I don't know what to say.

Kevin: Hey, Mikey - don't get so down. I did bloody well. I got my ton (slight hissing, probably Flintoff) and f***'s sake, I caught a stonkingly great catch - bugger that it didn't count, but that was just the  umpires getting the rules wrong. You know I did good, and I know that too. I'm a bloody hero, and you can count on me. (Muffled comments only word discernible appears to be "figjam").

Paul C: and me too, I did my bit (except with the bat is heard muttered by more than a few of the lads), and bowled like a good'un. It's not my fault we lost.

Bell: and Mr Captain, Sir, you told me to get a good total, and I've done that. Please can I go back to my room now, I'm not a naughty boy this time.

MV: yeah OK, Ian and Kev, you can go. You've followed the plan, and there's nothing more I need to say to you. Colly - I need you to stay, you're my right-hand man and we've gotta try and do something before we're out, down, and totally gone.

Ravi - You did okay with the bat, but we need more from you for the team. Don't you bowl at all? If you could be a bit more like Colly, we'd have a player in you son.

Fred - The bowling I like, but what is it with those feet batting? Even when you move them, you put them in the wrong place. After all those tapes Duncan made us sit through, you still couldn't pick Hogg. I've seen the dismissal and even I was laughing. Those Press buddies of yours might not be so kind I tell you. (Muffled - gets a bit of heat off me though).

Straussy - I know you want to be like me and everything, but don't play exactly the same shot to exactly the same bowler unless I'm hitting it for four... (well I have hit fours before you know). Big chance Straussy - blew it.

Badger - Sit down. I've still got the headache now and hopefully so has Punter. Can't remember anything you did at all.

Jimmy - Just needed a bit of luck there.

Saj - I'll talk to you privately.... Where's Liam?

Monty - You look tired lad - too many nets maybe? Knowing Duncan, he'll tell you to take the season off. Joking Monty, joking... don't get upset.

God knows who made the rules up for this tournament, but my agent says we're still in it (so you can't book your flight home yet Jamie). We just need to beat... er... whoever we play in the next three games. Probably the Saffers, India and Scotland. Straussy - can you check please and find out where we're going too and for God's sake make sure the driver doesn't go to the old ground first, then insist we use the park and ride.

[The Tooting Trumpet & Mimitig]