The Googly

Why I don't like... Two Test Series

There's little that can gladden the hearts of followers of the greatest game than to read of a renaissance in West Indian Test cricket. Alas the Queen's Park Oval appeared to be populated with more dancing girls than cricket fans, but that did not stop Ramneresh Sarwan, supported by Shiv Chanderpaul and others reaching their target of 254 to level the Sri Lankan series 1-1. I looked forward avidly to the showdown next week where the spoils would be decided and (possibly) a new dawn at last hailed.

But no. In their infinite wisdom, the ICC's Future Tours programme saw fit to truncate this "series" to two Tests, and so deny us (and the Windies' worldwide followers) the chance to see a positive result. Shame on them.

And in case you think this is a one-off and see the malign hand of the IPL in play, here are some upcoming two / four Test series: Australia in West Indies (four Tests, April 2008); South Africa in England (four Tests, July 2008); Australia in India (four Tests, October 2008); New Zealand in Australia (two Tests, November 2008). I'm afraid there's plenty more such coitus interuptus to come.

[The Tooting Trumpet]   

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 9: Monks storm Test match

December 2003, and England are on their way to an innings and 215 run defeat to Sri Lanka in Colombo.  While England's batting crumpled inside the Sinhalese Sports Club ground there was chaos outside. Buddhist monks charged into the ground in protest of the match continuing depsite the death of top monk the Venerable Gangodavila Soma Thera (Brian to his friends). 

England were no doubt hoping that the holy men might bring some spiritual guidance to the their slowly perishing souls as Murali inflicted his own version of death by a thousand cuts.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 8: Mal Loye fields in a trilby

Mal Loye is seen as many things: unlucky; talented; a bit stroppy at times; but not usually a joker.   This was not the case the the Roses match in 2006 at Old Trafford.

Lancashire were chasing a title (as usual) while Yorkshire were trying to avoid relegation, but the fielding of two under-strength bowling line-ups meant that the batsmen were on top throughout.  As the game ground inexorably to a draw, a result equally useless to both teams, Loye, perhaps as a symbol of the critical state of Lancs' title hopes, fielded the last few overs in a black trilby that he had borrowed from the crowd.  Or perhaps he's just slightly mental.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 7: Seagulls stop play

Sophia Gardens, Cardiff has famously been awarded an Ashes Test for the 2009 drubbing series. We can only hope that there is no repeat of the Hitchcockian scenes that happened at the Glamorgan home in 2003.

In the evening session of a match against Somerset, Robert Croft had just hit his fourth first-class century,  when a 200-strong flock of the world's moodiest bird, the Seagull, settled onto the oval looking for some tea of their own.

Rumour has it they only flew away when Tony Lewis threatened to tell one of his interminable and ultimately dreadful anecdotes.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 6: Warwickshire find themselves in a Blair Witch Project scenario

C&G Trophy, 2005, Warwickshire draw Holland and take a trip to Rotterdam in the first round.  Unfortunately for them, when they reached the city the club ground had recently moved and the coach driver fell victim to the old out of date satnav problem and left the team stranded in a field.  The Bears then had to walk through the woods in the rain until they were picked up and taken to the right place.  Warwickshire won the game by 23 runs.

Thankfully, no over-hyped and underwhelming-to-the-point-of-dreadful film was made of the incident.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 5: Tea break dislocates Mark Ramprakash's toe

Mark Ramprakash is adept at many things: dancing, batting (domestic), cover fielding, plus the odd extra-marital affair from time to time.  A talented man, is there anything he can't do?.

Well, yes actually.  In May 2005, as the UK population went to the polling stations, Ramps was on his way to the Taunton pavilion to fetch a nice cuppa during a rain break.  The dance maestro found the steps much trickier than the ballroom floor and ended up dislocating one of his twinkly toes on the way in.

He managed to stagger out to bat at number seven, scoring a mammoth 11 runs; a mere 90 less than his 2007 average.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 4: Umpire's trousers become sightscreen

We all know that Lasith Malinga is a tricky customer, but back in 2005 in the first Test match against New Zealand he was more tricky than usual, taking nine wickets. 

Stephen Fleming, however, felt the blame lay not in the bowler's performance or the failure of his top order, but in the trousers of the umpires.  Seriously.  Fleming claimed that due to Malinga's trademark low action, the ball was being lost in the dark trousers of umpires Bucknor and Hair; thus disadvantaging the batsmen.

The umps drew the line and stripping off their keks, but did agree to remove their dark ties.  Bucknor went one further by tying a white jumper around his waist as a sort of sight-apron for the distressed batsmen.  No matter, Malinga ended the drawn Test with figures of 9-210 and a man of the match award under his arm.  [Image: Getty]

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 3: three different appeals off same delivery

I've seen some bad shots in my time, but the one played by Middlesex's Simon Cook (right) against Northants' Johann Louw in 2004 takes some beating as it led to three separate appeals at once. 

Cook had the ball rap onto his pad, cue appeal; then cannon onto the bat and spoon up into the air for Graeme Swann to snaffle, cue another appeal; Swann then threw down the stumps with Cook out of his ground, cue yet another appeal.

The umpires conferred, and probably using some variation on scissor-paper-stone, decided that he was caught. [Image: Getty]

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 2: MS Dhoni's parents threatened by eunuchs

April 2005.  Mahendra Singh Dhoni has just smashed his first international century; 148 runs of such eye-watering brutality that he resembled Genghis Khan in a mood as he bludgeoned the bowling to all corners, the bat flashing nearly as much as the red tints in his 80s rock mullet.

His parents however were not having such a good day as that very morning their home was invaded by a  group of eunuchs bestowing blessings and then demanding £600 for the privelege.   Dhoni's dad managed to slip out and get help while his mum gave the bollock-less ones sweets to keep them occupied until the Indian rozzers came to take them away. 

It is a custom in India for eunuchs to be given money on such auspicious occasions, but apparently they have become a bit of a pain in the proverbial of late and the police often get involved.  It's the same everywhere isn't it?  A few idiot eunuchs ruining it for the rest.  [Lee C]

101 Weird Cricket Happenings, No 1: county cricketer is Travolta'd by son

A more stoical (or ugly) county cricketer than Derbyshire's Graeme Welch (right: Getty) you could not find.  Welch is the archetypal county professional: enthusiastic, dedicated, ever diligent in the face of yet another Derbyshire loss; Welsh was Close-like in his endurance and was very rarely injured, at least not on the cricket pitch.  Dancing with his son, however, was a completely different matter.

Getting a touch of the Saturday Night Fever about him in 2004, Welch's son was giving it the full Stayin' Alive upwards finger thrust dance when he jabbed Pop straight in the eye, thus robbing Derbys of one of their most reliable performers for 3 matches.  Could have been worse I suppose, rather than dancing they might have tried mimicking the film's tragic scene on the Brooklyn Bridge.  Small mercies and all that.  [Lee C]

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 8: Mal Loye fields in a trilby

Mal Loye is seen as many things: unlucky; talented; a bit stroppy at times; but not usually a joker.   This was not the case the the Roses match in 2006 at Old Trafford.

Lancashire were chasing a title (as usual) while Yorkshire were trying to avoid relegation, but the fielding of two under-strength bowling line-ups meant that the batsmen were on top throughout.  As the game ground inexorably to a draw, a result equally useless to both teams, Loye, perhaps as a symbol of the critical state of Lancs' title hopes, fielded the last few overs in a black trilby that he had borrowed from the crowd.  Or perhaps he's just slightly mental.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 7: Seagulls stop play

Sophia Gardens, Cardiff has famously been awarded an Ashes Test for the 2009 drubbing series. We can only hope that there is no repeat of the Hitchcockian scenes that happened at the Glamorgan home in 2003.

In the evening session of a match against Somerset, Robert Croft had just hit his fourth first-class century,  when a 200-strong flock of the world's moodiest bird, the Seagull, settled onto the oval looking for some tea of their own.

Rumour has it they only flew away when Tony Lewis threatened to tell one of his interminable and ultimately dreadful anecdotes.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 6: Warwickshire find themselves in a Blair Witch Project scenario

C&G Trophy, 2005, Warwickshire draw Holland and take a trip to Rotterdam in the first round.  Unfortunately for them, when they reached the city the club ground had recently moved and the coach driver fell victim to the old out of date satnav problem and left the team stranded in a field.  The Bears then had to walk through the woods in the rain until they were picked up and taken to the right place.  Warwickshire won the game by 23 runs.

Thankfully, no over-hyped and underwhelming-to-the-point-of-dreadful film was made of the incident.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 5: Tea break dislocates Mark Ramprakash's toe

Mark Ramprakash is adept at many things: dancing, batting (domestic), cover fielding, plus the odd extra-marital affair from time to time.  A talented man, is there anything he can't do?.

Well, yes actually.  In May 2005, as the UK population went to the polling stations, Ramps was on his way to the Taunton pavilion to fetch a nice cuppa during a rain break.  The dance maestro found the steps much trickier than the ballroom floor and ended up dislocating one of his twinkly toes on the way in.

He managed to stagger out to bat at number seven, scoring a mammoth 11 runs; a mere 90 less than his 2007 average.

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 4: Umpire's trousers become sightscreen

We all know that Lasith Malinga is a tricky customer, but back in 2005 in the first Test match against New Zealand he was more tricky than usual, taking nine wickets. 

Stephen Fleming, however, felt the blame lay not in the bowler's performance or the failure of his top order, but in the trousers of the umpires.  Seriously.  Fleming claimed that due to Malinga's trademark low action, the ball was being lost in the dark trousers of umpires Bucknor and Hair; thus disadvantaging the batsmen.

The umps drew the line and stripping off their keks, but did agree to remove their dark ties.  Bucknor went one further by tying a white jumper around his waist as a sort of sight-apron for the distressed batsmen.  No matter, Malinga ended the drawn Test with figures of 9-210 and a man of the match award under his arm.  [Image: Getty]

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 3: three different appeals off same delivery

I've seen some bad shots in my time, but the one played by Middlesex's Simon Cook (right) against Northants' Johann Louw in 2004 takes some beating as it led to three separate appeals at once. 

Cook had the ball rap onto his pad, cue appeal; then cannon onto the bat and spoon up into the air for Graeme Swann to snaffle, cue another appeal; Swann then threw down the stumps with Cook out of his ground, cue yet another appeal.

The umpires conferred, and probably using some variation on scissor-paper-stone, decided that he was caught. [Image: Getty]

101 Weird Cricket Occurences, No 2: MS Dhoni's parents threatened by eunuchs

April 2005.  Mahendra Singh Dhoni has just smashed his first international century; 148 runs of such eye-watering brutality that he resembled Genghis Khan in a mood as he bludgeoned the bowling to all corners, the bat flashing nearly as much as the red tints in his 80s rock mullet.

His parents however were not having such a good day as that very morning their home was invaded by a  group of eunuchs bestowing blessings and then demanding £600 for the privelege.   Dhoni's dad managed to slip out and get help while his mum gave the bollock-less ones sweets to keep them occupied until the Indian rozzers came to take them away. 

It is a custom in India for eunuchs to be given money on such auspicious occasions, but apparently they have become a bit of a pain in the proverbial of late and the police often get involved.  It's the same everywhere isn't it?  A few idiot eunuchs ruining it for the rest.  [Lee C]

101 Weird Cricket Happenings, No 1: county cricketer is Travolta'd by son

A more stoical (or ugly) county cricketer than Derbyshire's Graeme Welch (right: Getty) you could not find.  Welch is the archetypal county professional: enthusiastic, dedicated, ever diligent in the face of yet another Derbyshire loss; Welsh was Close-like in his endurance and was very rarely injured, at least not on the cricket pitch.  Dancing with his son, however, was a completely different matter.

Getting a touch of the Saturday Night Fever about him in 2004, Welch's son was giving it the full Stayin' Alive upwards finger thrust dance when he jabbed Pop straight in the eye, thus robbing Derbys of one of their most reliable performers for 3 matches.  Could have been worse I suppose, rather than dancing they might have tried mimicking the film's tragic scene on the Brooklyn Bridge.  Small mercies and all that.  [Lee C]